I Believe- therefore, I DO

Remember this?

Time flies, when you’re having fun. (And seriously, its been fun. I love blogging, whether or not it does anything for anyone else, it does for me)

Went to primary care doc’s for another script (although I’ve been studiously putting off not going, couldn’t avoid it). I need the refill RX.

“So how are you doing?” he asks, as he enters the room.
“Fine.”
“Really?”
“Uh, no, but that’s what everyone is supposed to say before they launch into the reason they came there in the first place. It’s the polite thing to do.”
“I’m a doctor- I don’t care. You can say whatever you want, ok?”
“I’ll keep that in mind, thanks.”
“And how’s the diabetes?”
“Really good.”
“How good is good?”
“It’s been pretty stable for awhile.”
“Last a1c?”
“I don’t know yet, its been a couple of weeks and I haven’t got the results yet.”
“And your numbers?”
“Mostly between 100-200.” (Now)
“Your last a1c was-“ flipping though the chart. “Pretty high. Who do you see over at X?”
“Dr. K.”
“I’m going to find out the results of your last one.”
Proceed to call over there and find out the results, in less then 5 minutes. (To my utter amazement, it must be a doctor thing, it would take me 10 years to get someone to call me back)
“Have her call me- this kid doesn’t need strokes, heart attacks, and amputations down the road.”
List 3 separate numbers as contact info. I am kind of worried- its not like my endo doesn’t do a good job or that I ever said anything negative about her. What’s she going to think? It is entirely, 100% my fault about my a1c. She’s a good endo-she attempts war on the basal rates + everything. Its not her fault I’m a hopeless case.
Hang up, turn around.
“You haven’t gone down.”
“I kind of figured.”

Push glasses up, scoot over.
“You know, you’re too young to have diabetes complications. I am seriously worried about you.”
“I try.”(put passion into voice)
“Is there anything going on?”

“You mean, besides life? I’ve been working 60 hour weeks-its not like diabetes is a huge priority right now.”
“It needs to be.”
“I know.”
“Did I ever tell you about the guy in South Carolina?”
“No.”
“Oh, I thought I had.”
Pause.
“What about the guy in South Carolina? Someone you knew?”
“During my residency.”
“Tell me the story, then.”
“He developed diabetes at 17. Started losing his vision at 25. Had two heart attacks, a stroke, kidney failure, went 80% blind, and had an amputation. Frequently ran blood sugars in the 300-500 range and spent much of the time in the hospital from DKA. He said diabetes wasn’t going to prevent him from living his life but he essentially ignored it and it cost him his life. Most of it happened when he was 30-32. Two years-in and out of the hospital-and he died.”
“I’m not saying this to make you feel bad.”
“I know.”
“It’s just- you remind me so much of the path he was taking. I don’t want this to happen to you.”
Resist urge to tell him that I DON’T run blood sugars in the 300-500 range. Just the 200.
“And I’ve got another patient, she got diabetes around 15 + has worked hard all the years to keep her blood sugars down. Checking her blood sugars before every meal, etc. She just had her 20th year eye checkup-and there are NO signs of diabetic eye disease. Had two healthy pregnancies too.”
“That’s nice. Am I the highest a1c in your practice?”
“Yes.”
“I don’t know why some patients have more motivation then others. I wish I could help you find your motivation.”
Pause.
“It’s partly a genetics game, you know.”
“Yes, but its mostly blood sugars.”
“Well, if I get my a1c down, you know you can work miracles on anybody.”
“Not necessarily.”
“Just about.”
“I want you to.”
“I want me to too. It’s just impossible, to stay motivated for that period of time.”
“Three weeks- I want to see you back in here.”
“That might help.”
(That was the condensed version, it lasted about 15 minutes)
Discuss rx matters.
Walk out to desk.
“You’re the last appointment of the day,” the nurse informs me.
Look at clock. 4:35.
“You mean, I could have gone on with the sermon for another 30 minutes?” he says jokingly.
“That’s ok. I’ve heard quite a few sermons in my life, and that was certainly long enough.”
Check out.

Why is it so hard to stay motivated? Why? And why do I feel like a failure, every single time I go there...