Tuesday, May 30, 2006

A Day in the Life of an Physician

The Story of an Ivy League Doctor
(academia disenchantment from the patient perspective)

When I was 18, I went to Yale

Praying the whole time that I wouldn’t fail

For my father is a surgeon, and my mother into psych

I’ve been programmed from the very start what I was gonna like.

Well, I worked very hard and I kept my nose clean

Kept busy in anatomy with hearts and eyes and spleens.

I knew that I could I do it- I knew most everything

And I graduated Mag.Cum Laude to get my classes’ ring.

On graduation day, my very first stop

Was a very exclusive clothing shop

They monogrammed my jackets, and pressed my silk screened tie

And off I promptly went to (3 letter medical school acronym) to apply.

My first official night on call, it truly was a blast

Wracked up twenty-two admissions and an old friend from my past

My resident smokes pot, and I really gotta go

There’s just too much to this doctoring I doubt I’ll ever know.

I kept my eyes open, and I kept my mouth shut

As I learn all the hospital scuttlebutt

I learned who has got the hots for whom

And the nurses hate the techies in the Operating Room.

Derm was pretty gross, saw a Basal Carcinoma

To me, it was anything BUT a Fascinoma

Is it Lyme, or Leprosy, its quite hard to tell

One thing is very certain, though- the patient is not well.

Now its off to Endocrine, the type 2's in denial

Are making it quite difficult to keep my pasted smile

The type 1's need new kidneys- theirs are fully shot

Cuz each was diagnosed with D, a diaper-wearing tot.

Let’s go to Ob-gyn, see some cute, small preemies

Is that a sudden gush of blood that’s making me feel squeemy?

Birth is very wonderful, but sick kids sure do holler

I think I’ll find some other way to make my daily dollar.

Cardio was fun, but as I walked through the door

Old ladies had M. I.’s- man, they all hit the floor

The CCU was full, the chiefs said go away

I lasted one full hour on that sunny day in May.

So where’s my special niche- maybe its in psyche

As I’ve been saying all long, as just a little tyke

My mother gave me therapy, I’ll feel your deepest pains

There isn’t anything, in front of me, for you to be ashamed.

But I think I’ll be a cancer doc- play hard life and death

As the patients look in fear to me, when they can’t catch their breath

I’ll supervise the interns, and attend the M and M’s,

All the time while acting that I CARE about them!

Now I have a fancy office on the very first floor

And the patients come from all around, because they need to hear more

The world, it does my bidding, not the other way around

Those nights spent sobbing in the bathroom seem such a distant sound.

( But there’s more to this sad tale

Then my pen can ever tell

Cuz when you’ve passed, and come up top

And really think that you’ve arrived- 360 to the stop

All of life comes down to this- we all must make the choices

But I am here to tell you, that bigger bucks, and razor red Rolls Royces

Will not stop the clock from slamming down your own blunt coffin nail.)

So be sensitive to your patient's needs.

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