Where the River Runs Deep

Yesterday,I dropped out of nursing school.

It's been one steamroller of a ride,& it's only the third week out of eight. And I guess I should explain that nothing,nothing went right in those days...starting with The Low in Lab & culminating in the Peak De Triumphe anxiety attack on Tuesday over paperwork,for which I gained a Plan For Success in Professional Behavior as well as a Plan For Success in the paperwork that I'd done wrong. I hyperventilated & ended up on the floor,thinking I would fail clinical because I was getting a plan for success (for paperwork)& it took an hour to get me up off the floor. (I got extremely dizzy & thought I was going to black out) Not a really awesome moment in my life,& I can say that's never happened before either. (Blood Sugar:365 by the end of that) That gained me a meeting with the head prof & my clinical instructor as they delivered the Plans For Success & discussed my unacceptable behavior. Before that meeting, (in the time between Tues.afternoon and Wed.afternoon), I'd decided that it was probably best if I dropped out, because there was no absolute way the further deluge of paperwork that missing Wed.clinical plus the 5 (mini)papers & 30 min.presentation due Thurs. morning I could get that all done. And my toddler was sick with an ear infection,the babysitter didn't want him back until he was acting more normal(didn't have a fever,but I digress)& that was more time spent not being able to get work done running to doctors offices & pharmacies. I need like 48 hours in a day. I'd had it with the entire mess of profs & I could see that at this rate, failure was imminent & as I still had the opportunity to drop with a Withdrawal Passing grade(thanks to a decent grade on the first exam), I took it.
So Friday, I finished matters up with withdrawal..you have to do an Exit Interview,discussing what you plan to do different the next time around & factors that led to your demise. I received a not-so-nice little copy of Med Surg I's Plan For Successes (3)and areas of Clinical Probation(3)...that was not a great course for me...& this courses Plans For Successes(2). I guess the only good thing about that is that I know exactly where I stand now & what I have to work on to avoid at all costs. I asked the head prof if I'd get a Plan For Success if I broke one of the rules while I had a low blood sugar, & she said it depended on how low I was. I said low blood sugars at any hypo level could affect behavior & she said that it all depended on the circumstances then. She then went on to talk about the low I had in lab, & whether I was being honest with my doc if I were to have frequent lows,and blah blah blah. (As to my ability to function in clinical) Grand. I'm getting the impression that if I so much as tell anyone I'm having a low, I'll be A.kicked out of clinical and B.suspended from the program. In their eyes,there is no such thing as a mild low. This is discrimination, no doubt about it,but whether its ever going to be an issue is unknown. In this course, I would say heck yes,it would be..but I know profs to which a mild low would not be a huge deal. A major anything has to be reported,& I guess I'm lucky not to have gotten a Plan For Success for my low blood sugar.(& that feels all wrong to say..seriously?like that was all my fault...) My head prof was definitely suggesting that it could happen. I'm now all kinds of confused and angry that that could even be an issue,in today's world of supposed "disability and accommodations." And I still have that matter of being switched to another clinical site,& new prof, because of the D.(did that ever hurt) I reregistered to retake the course in the fall. (Fresh,clean slate..& all of that.Almost.)

Then I went to drop my class at the registration,& was pleasantly surprised that there was no bill remaining. I wish I could have gotten a refund,but at this point,it's considered a Withdrawal,not a Drop. I know that I may be coming back to much the same issues in the fall, & I know that right now, I need a Lawyer, a Therapist, and some other resources as well to help get this mess sorted out for me.

In Ex Evictus, Maeror

Dear Clinical Student,

I'll be short & blunt.. I don't want you in my group. And when the reason for this finally becomes known, I won't be anywhere near you. You'll be in a meeting with the nursing Dept. head and the head of the Med Surg II course when you find out,& the vitriol will suck the breath out of you,but I don't care.
Why don't I want you?

I heard about your low. I don't want to have anything to do with your "unstable medical condition", in fact, I refuse to. The clinical site refuses to to, which means your going somewhere else. Your head instructor and head of the nursing dept. may tell you whatever they want, they can tell you that this site really isn't best for your needs to carry stuff in,they can tell you that it's better this way. I don't care. And when they've finished telling you this,& you walk out in a daze to go & cry in your clinical advisors office..that might be the end of it. I really don't care, I don't HAVE diabetes & I just don't want to deal with you & any low drama. I also don't have any desire to talk to you to really see if this will be an issue. So go,go & do your thing.

Sincerely,

Your Ex-Prof

One flew over the Cuckoo's Nest

It's been one of those weeks...where the diabetes hasn't played nicely with life. It's the first week of Med Surg II(aka Mental Health) & it's been somewhat of a perfect storm.

Monday morning saw 5 inches of fresh snow so some things were delayed to later in the week. There was Orientation (Monday), a simulation (real patient aka paramedic instructor) Tuesday, a math exam & neurobiology lecture on Wednesday, & a Therapeutic Communication & a Central Line Care labs on Thursday. TC went fine but about 20 minutes into the other lab my stomach started rolling & I started to get extremely dizzy & I thought I was going low but I didn't want to start off a chain reaction of "where are you going questions" so I sat there,hoping it would go away. (Because you know,lows just spontaneously disappear when you will them away)Heart racing & jitteriness soon joined the list & I started sweating profusely but I still couldn't move. The instructor stopped speaking, looked at me and asked if I was ok & that was all I needed to burst out crying,have an excuse to get out of there,head to the restroom,swig juice & check my bg.(I hadn't brought my (replacement) Dex with me that day) It was 22 & I felt very much like staying on the floor,however long it took. After probably 30 minutes my instructor (& several other students)came looking for me. Low symptoms were in full force,with a low of this nature I always shake like I'm freezing to death & cry(for absolutely no good reason). So, this instructor's first impression of me was that of a hysterically crying,shaky,confused PWD.(yes,she will be my clinical instructor in the hospital in several weeks) She assured me that it was all ok & made me eat chocolate kisses( I have zero problem doing that) until my bg read 203. The rest of my body took some time to get over the adrenalin surge from heck,& my blood pressure skyrocket to 140/90,pulse 120 as the stress shot it up. Eventually (with the assistance of blankets,fluids,& time) the shakes went away,the BP went down & the bg went up to 260 & we went back to the lab where she finished the lecture for the other students & I finished recovering & went home to take a nap. I really don't remember anything from that lecture, & I didn't try.(post low) I think she was freaked out & now considers me "brittle". I've never had a low of this nature hit in class(or clinical) before, I should have been wearing my Dexcom & had something in my pocket to discreetly treat & it all wouldn't have happened.

Friday morning, I awoke to an email from the head instructor informing me that because of my low in lab, I needed to be seen by a physician and have a form filled out that my D was stable enough to go to clinical. This needed to be done before I go to clinical(in other words,today). Classes began at 9, & I managed to acquire an appt for 3 pm with my primary care office (I still had to miss the last class of the day). So that's all done & the form is ready for Monday. I am a little annoyed that I can't even have a low blood sugar (probably even mild,this wasn't,but still) this is MASSIVE overreaction on their parts.

So that's been my life this week. I also had to get my newly found but non-functional Dex replaced & I have yet to actually send it back,though I got the replacement.(I wasn't wearing the Dex when I had the low, I'd forgotten to bring the reciever) Mental Health rotations will be very challenging, I'm not allowed to bring anything in except the basics(hence why I had to get permission for my D-crap,yep,bringing syringes (etc) into a Rehab facility is a real situation. No coffee,tea,Diet Coke allowed.(for staff or residents) We (my group)are there 3x a week, it's going to be really,really rough days without my caffeine.


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Lost

Last night at a D-meetup,I lost my beloved Dexcom.

I tweeted about it, & while the DOC still has its angels,it also has its "other" individuals. News Flash: not every PWD is your best friend forever. Someone said that they wish they had a Dexcom to lose in a bar..not the therapeutic response of the day. Whatever that means.(insinuating that I'm a rich,spoiled PWD?) I'm over their response, I'm moving on.(you don't know me OR my situation)I don't have $1300 to drop on a new one. I hope someone turns it in, I've called the restaurant & I went back & searched the parking lot..nothing. Hopefully they will turn it in when they realize its a medical device. (At this point, I hold out hope) This is the first time that I've actually lost a valuable piece of medical equipment(or had it stolen), for real.(& I'm 99% furious at myself and 1% furious at the person who took it)

A JDRF Summit

Several Saturdays ago,I left the toddler with my hubby for the day & drove to Bethesda for the JDRF Summit. I was kind of nervous,as Daddy DayCare tends to be alot more lenient then Mommy DayCare(basically,he doesn't freak out over every time the kid has something happen to him) so I only called home 5 times just to make sure everyone was still alive back there. They were all fine.(me,not so much) Despite that,I did have a pretty good time at the Summit...there were a few D vendors & I got to play with the new Omnipod PDM.

The PDMs are basically the same size..the difference,of course,lies in the home screen of the newer one(personalised with name that you have to confirm every time you turn it on) & the (meal)IOB addition. Still no basal IOB,which I think is stupid.(I need that,I'm sensitive to insulin) And the much smaller pods. (which they gave me a sample of, but somehow I lost)They said that existing customers will start getting new PDMs within 3 weeks. I refused to order new pods until they come out, so I'm now on my backup Animas Ping.(My copay for them (the pods) is pretty high,& I don't want to get stuck with a bunch of old pods) Oh well.(tubed pumps are ok short term)

They had various speakers...first the Artificial Pancreas team from the University of Virginia & some biochemist PHD from Duke. (I was much more interested in the former) Nicole Johnson,former Miss America,was the moderator. It was very interesting,by the end of the year the AP should be ready for "home" studies. (They've done it in an outpatient setting already)They've got a system called DIA that integrates CGM data & sends it to a smartphone,which can give you color coded signals(red,yellow,& green-much like traffic lights)as to how likely your bg is going to go either high or low.(&the time frame) At this phase,the "smart" part of the AP can take over & correct but I'm guessing its heavily monitored (like every 5 minutes monitored).
There are three components of the AP & they are doing pretty good with the meals part,but the exercise part still has to have more testing done.
Had lunch,that was a pretty nice spread of salads,sandwiches,& 3 kinds of brownie/cookies. I went over & said hi to the AP study endocrinologist.(we go wayyyy back..I think to 2003. Haven't seen her since 2007 though)
After lunch,it was more DRI-type lectures.(immune system tricking,drugs in development) & that was pretty interesting. There was a panel discussion at the very end,& I went back to my car to charge up my phone a bit. Came back, & most everyone had left by then but the UVA study coordinator said they'd probably be ready in May,for the next phase of the study.(I personally am chomping at the bit to try THE LATEST STUFF so I just about had a happy heart attack at this news. I haven't gotten to do anything at this level of coolness since 2007) But you hate to seem annoying with emails,so I don't.(not like they can speed things up)
Then another PWD,(that I met at another D event)her friend,& I went to the bar.
I rarely drink,the reason for this has less to do with diabetes & more to do with the fact that substances have an exaggerated effect in my body. 1 Tylenol or iboprofen generally will handle aches and pains just fine..even insulin I'm pretty sensitive to.Thus,1 drink (feels like three)will generally snow me under quite well.(yep,that's my limit) Plus, I was driving,so I ordered a very expensive Diet Pepsi instead.It is,however,nice to sit at a bar & have real adult conversations & have that power to order a drink,should I want to. And getting to talk to another T1's for a couple hours is pretty awesome,any day of the week. By 6:45, I figured I should be heading home & I missed my baby like c.r.a.z.y. & wondered how things were really going,at home. Bg was (still nutso high) 223, so I skipped dinner,skipped going to pick up cupcakes.(original plan..since I have a gift card & the place is 3 miles away) I didn't want to get lost in the dark trying to find the place.
By the time I got home,ate something,kissed my "MaMAAAA"ing baby,put him to bed & collapsed into bed,my blood sugar decided to go in the opposite direction & had to be treated with 45 carbs before it decided to go on the up and up. Then I slept for 11 hours straight.

All in all,a fun,totally exhausting day.


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Victories

********

I have a love-hate relationship with this particular series of posters in my Endo's office. (as in, I love to hate them) I realize that the purpose of it is to empower you to do better, but when I look at it, I see an unattainable goal (unless I'm A. pregnant or B. dead)


Anyhoo....as much as I have really,really come to dislike the Verio meter, and as much as I came into this appointment expecting double-digits a1cs & a thyroid level off the charts due to said "noncomplience" issues & my own slew of stress highs relating to nursing school, my a1c actually came back 0.5 lower then it was the last time & my thyroid results are now normal. Oddly though, we didn't spent any time at all talking about my a1c. (perhaps she's given up trying to ever get me back to under 7) I told her about the whacky spells I get that I think are related to the generic form of the thyroid med(happening every couple days..I get shaky, weak,dizzy, heart races, and feel really horrible) and these happen at any and every time of day, regardless of blood sugar & she said she could switch me to the brand name Synthroid (to see if that fixes it). I can't very well stop taking it (well, for any length of time...oddly enough,if I don't take the pill that day it does not happen). And I hate the Verio meter because it seems like the highs are way off base(if I correct 1.5 units for a 322 with no IOB I will still be scraping the 60's 2 hours later, which is just stupid and unexplainable. I don't think I'm really that high.) True, the Verio reads high, and I guess I can thank it for dropping my a1c 0.5 but I want a meter I can trust, a meter that will give me readings that are consistent with the way I feel. So, once I use up my 3 month supply of Verio strips I am going back to the Freestyle. I'm currently using my old green Ping pump, as the new Omnipod system/pods have STILL NOT SHIPPED. Being back on a tubed pump is a little weird, but I haven't had a single set issue & its actually nice to not be using up so much real estate.(as one does with the Omnipod) Kidney tests came back ok, all is status quo with the magnesium levels. (I'm glad of that, as the big 15 anniversary approaches, one starts to worry more about whether kidney complications are going to be rearing their ugly head) I had a mild low seizure in February(mild, because I didn't have to go to the hospital..I became cognizant fairly quickly) & she said they'd prefer to know about that if it ever happened again. Haven't had a seizure in years,so the next day was pretty exhausting. All in all, it was a good appointment.


I passed Pediatrics-final grade "B". (thank you to everyone who believed in me) Coming into the final exam, I had a 74.2 average (you need a 75 to pass the course) I went over that final exam 6 times to make sure that I'd gotten everything I could get right, right. It was more then a little bit stressful for the next 24 hours, because I really,really,really did not want to fail nursing school. (those 24 hours were basically one big panic attack) But I got an 84, so I passed. (its weird how much empthasis is placed on the tests...you can get a 76 overall average and still get a B for the course) Each question is like gold, each question has the potential to either fail you or keep you in the course. (or the program, as the case may be) 4 questions kept me in the program. And it's so, so nice to have a "Spring Break" week before the insanity of Med Surg II(aka Psychiatry) begins.



The baby is walking. Well, kind of. He (death)grabs onto my shirt or pants and I drag him all over the house, until he gets tired and plops back down on the floor. He certainly could walk by himself if he wanted to, & he'll walk pushing the walker we have for him, but I think he's still scared of going solo, and that's why he won't do it. (yet) It's a little bit concerning, as kids are supposed to be walking solo by at least 15 months (which he'll be next month), but I think he will get there by a couple of weeks. He's going through a "I hate ALL vegetables" phrase & screams bloody murder anytime you attempt to feed him any.(seriously, kid, you cannot live on fruit...much as you might like to) It's difficult to know how to discipline a 14 mo (if they get hungry enough,yeah they might eat it except he just won't,he spits it out & he doesn't understand why he can't have what he wants). I'm hoping he gets out of this phase REALLY QUICKLY. And then you try to find healthy ways of disguising veggies but he's smart enough to know they don't look anything like fruit, and he refuses to eat it. Sigh.


Yay, Spring! I'm so ready to get over this doom/gloom/rainy cold miserable weather.(we've had very little snow...perhaps because we're so near the Bay, it's not quite cold enough to turn to snow)

That "C" Word

The Cure is Coming.





Yes, yes, boys and girls...this according to the Diabetes Research Institute. Your days of blood tests & swag carb counts and wonky levels are numbered, according to one in-the-know blogger.


When I heard the "possible" news, I was briefly intrueged. Not because I knew it was a "cure" per say, but because I wanted to hear if their idea made any more sense then all the other ideas out there. Because, in 15 years, I've heard alot of "this is it, this is the CURE!!" hype & yes, I've actually believed that it could lead to the cure. Islet Cells. Some sort of Pancreas Wonder Pills. The Glucowatch. (& others) All promising ideas that fizzled out within a few years. I have always believed that there would be an eventual cure, even though I was fortuanate enough NOT to be fed the "5 Year Plan" at my diagnosis. The intern was a straight shooter, told me I'd have it forever, and I assumed that I would, that it could never be cured. And then I got out of the hospital, out into a world where EVERYONE was trying to cure my incurable diabetes.


It's still here. I'm still here. (despite wild take-out swings on both of us) And I've made my peace with diabetes, I don't need a cure. (not that I don't want one, I just don't need one to be happy in life) I realize that I write all this from the point of view of a person who can afford the meds/etc.needed to have a healthy life, who never had to choose between affording test strips or paying the electricity bill. I'm an adult with type 1 diabetes,and I've had a pretty good life. If diabetes affected my child, or another loved one,I would not be nearly as blase about curing it.

I'd want a cure, yesterday. And therein lies the reason to my non-reaction to this news. I cannot imagine what it must be like to live with someone with this disease, to have your partner or your child have it, to worry about them every day. There are nights that (while I'm complaining about my blood sugars) my husband tells me "Please don't die on me" & I get to see a perspective from the other side. I'm certainly doing my best not to die for a good, good long while..but as a general rule, I don't do much worrying about complications. (apparently I'm still stuck in an adolescent invincibility complex)

And this latest idea, for reasons mentioned elsewhere in the D-blogosphere, certainly sounds nothing like a "cure." It sounds like a really good idea that may or may not pan out. (Get back to me in 20 or so years) Yeah,the same ole, same ole. But what I take issue with is with a blogger, who certainly knows the effect THIS news would likely have on a community that feels so passionately about a cure,went ahead and did anyway...got everyone's hopes up only to be shattered the next day. He certainly feels passionately that this will be the next cure,but that's no excuse for toying with the emotions of hundreds (perhaps thousands of people). And that is what feels so, so wrong. I respect the DRI and the work that they are doing, but they won't be getting anymore of my monetary donations.

In the Trenches

You are a very young teenager,newly dx'd with type 1 diabetes...freshman year of high school. You're at that age where you act like it doesn't matter,it's no big deal & yeah talking about it?not gonna happen.(Not that anyone has any idea of how to go about this) Your mother passed away from T1 diabetes,soon after giving birth. The family dynamics is a complete cataclysmic shroud of mystery. Time heals many wounds,but there are some it does not. Perhaps your family is involved emotionally with your care,perhaps not but the practitioner treating your D is definitely not,because insulin changes are minuscule & insufficient for an adolescent.

This is school nursing,in the trenches. So many things that you can't do a thing about...so many unfair things in this world.(as it is for many things but some situations really get to you.) Virtually every school has type 1 students,& the school nurse has to work with whatever plan has been set in place,even if that plan really isn't working.

*this blog post is HIPAA complient-name,age, & sex of individual not being stated*


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Tsunami

I don't know what to say.

Failure is crash wave over me right now,& I can't breathe. Or think. The problem is the nursing school tests..they are so,so hard & I'm not doing well. 72,67. There are two more tests to go & I have to pull off a 76 average. I want to believe that I can, I study myself into a coma, ask my profs for help.
Not helping. I am so scared that I will fail...& then what? I've never done anything career-wise with my life that I could be proud of, & I wanted this..so badly. Yeah I guess there are plenty of other things but you don't get 3/4 of the way through a program to just fail,without taking things majorly hard. I cannot let myself think about failure, much less deal with that whole can of worms.(prematurely)

All I can do is breathe, & try to find my way back to the top. Focus on the next test, & try to understand everything that could possibly be on it.


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They Cometh

"Do you know how very,very lucky you are?" my instructor gushed. "This is a wonderful opportunity to influence the nursing school process."

Luck,admittedly, is not the first thing that came to my mind.(more like:no absolute WAY am I getting involved in this) And what is this?you ask? "That" is upcoming visit by the National (RN) Accreditation Committee, slated to drop into town Tues/Wed of next week. One day at the hospital,one day at the college. They are here,to check up on our program/interview students & faculty,& basically ensure that we are learning what we are supposed to be learning. They come around every 8 years,hence the "lucky" part. (its a 2 year program)If you are at the hospital,they attach themselves like leeches & follow you into patients rooms,etc.(no pressure,right?) They are a million times worse then the Joint Commission.(that also comes around periodically to harass people)
Fortuently, I will not be at the hospital while they are there...unfortuently,my instructor has to be at the college for interviews so she is cutting short the hospital day & the whole clinical group has to go back to the college to participate in the interviews. UGH. I have no desire to be involved in the program process, these interviews consist of questions like "How do you feel the college has equipped you in meeting the core competencies?" (Uh what-thr only thing I feel equipped for is the ability to get through a 2.5 hour lecture) Questions that actually involve studying(prior to) what the heck they are talking about so that you don't look like a complete idiot. As you can imagine,our instructors A. want us to be enthusiastically involved and B.want us to say good things about the program to make them look good. Now yes,there are a lot of good things about this program but there are things that aren't that I might want to say too. I'm not sure that they want to listen to me complain about the program though. And I am not the mover & the shaker that they should be talking to.(there's one of those sitting in the front row every day)

Mandatory interviews..oh boy. Scary,gut-wrenching, mind-numbing,interviews. I hope the questions aren't hard.

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Gray Days

It's been a rough 1.2 weeks. Begun,of course, with a sore throat & a mild cough,moved to the runny nose, followed by the 101 degree fevers & the addition of some hard core throat pain, losing my taste on Super Bowl Sunday,(I did not go to the party & how sad is that,when the whole of Baltimore was stark Raven mad?Methinks it may never happen again ) The cough set in & Sunday night I probably got two hours of sleep. Monday I went to the doc & they gave me codeine syrup & an antibiotic for my "sinus infection." Sinus infection-really? Yep,within a day my head felt like a literal bomb & the discharge turned a disgusting color. Fever went away,the cough/pressure/pain continued. I don't know if it's a particular nasty bug,or a side effect of the codeine but then came the retching diaries. Cough-cough-cough-retch-retch-cough-breathe. My backup Zofran helped a lot in that regard, but I think I should have a lot more of it in hand. The appetite is at a big fat zero,since eating solids forces my throat into a coughing/retching paramoxeam.(I guess I need to lose some weight,but not like this) So I've been living off juice,yogurt, Boost,Gatorade,pudding,applesauce. It's not that bad when you can't taste but man, I crave real food. Blood sugars are anyone's guess,& since I've taken so much Tylenol my CGM is kind of useless(little processor chip=blown). At nights,when the coughing doesn't stop & I feel like my lungs are going to explode I question whether I can go on,should I drop out of this nursing school course,rest up & try again? I've spent alot of time in bed this week,have not studied at all, barely survived my hospital day & community health 1/2 day & shown up late to 2 lectures, failed a math exam(my "failure" was the result of stupid rounding rules, I got the right answers but still failed the thing) Kept telling myself that this is the worst of it & better days are around the corner.I would have dropped out from necessity if I'd had to be in the hospital,(impossible to make up missed days)but here I am,hopelessly disorganised me,fighting to stay alive.(& afloat)

TGIF.(tomorrow) I have a weekend to do some studying for the first test,& to feel a tad bit better.(& today has been slightly better, I can breathe through my nose again) The J-baby & the hubby got mild colds/coughs,nothing like I got.(& I'm glad of that,but my hubby always claims its because he takes Zicam so religiously at the first hint of anything respiratory,while I think it's just good luck on his part,& being a Mommy Germ Magnet on my part)


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Once, We Were Juniors

The 3rd Semester.

Pediatrics, Med Surg II.2 8-week courses, but in reality, it feels like years since we were scared little nursing school"freshies." We have survived Nursing 120, 121,122,OB, Medical Surgical I.(some of us more then once) After Medical Surgical, any and all courses may just feel like a breath of fresh air. We have a swagger in our step & a new-found confidence that really,really was not there last semester. IV's do not scare us, dying simulator modules have taught us lessons best left un-repeated on actual patients. One day(very soon), some of us may yet walk across that stage & be "pinned" into that profession that each of us strives for. We struggle across the spectrum, we see friends fail out & wonder if it will be us. We have babies & surgeries & family emergencies & personal difficulties. We stay up late,get up early, eat insane amounts of chocolate,pray that our clinical instructors will be rational human beings & beat ourselves (mentally) up for not picking the other (right) answer on the impossibly hard exams. We cry with our patients & for our patients & for ourselves & about that 5 letter word of a clinical instructor. Yet some things scare us still..chief among them being released one day to practice solo,sans instructor hand-holding.

And yet, time marches on & one day, even junior-Dom will seem like such a distant memory.

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The Fear

When I was 14, my immune system started down its deep,dark path toward permanent dysfunction. It started with a bump,a small red itchy bump that turned into dozens & dozens of bumps in a raised rash that marched up my left arm, across the left side of my chest,down my left armpit & across my back. And then those bumps swelled up,with a yellowish disgusting gunk..to the point of bursting. At that point,convinced that I had cancer, I told my parents & they took me to the doctor.

The diagnosis was immeadiete & straightforward.

"You have the shingles."

Isn't that something older people get? Well,yes, but anyone who has had the good old fashioned chicken pox can go on to get the shingles. Babies can get the shingles. Rare of course,but entirely possible. Of course,being an 80's child I'd done the chicken pox party thing & gotten chicken pox at the age of 6, no big deal. Only my immune system thought it was a HUGE DEAL & up popped the shingles,all these years later.

So, they gave me this antiviral med & told me NOT TO TOUCH MY FACE & basically,it took several months of the most intense itching pain I have ever known for it to subside(& a year for the scars to clear). Every night, I'd wake up screaming from the searing,all over body pain.(usually dreaming something gruesome) But it did get better,eventually.

And then diabetes came to call. I was 16 years old when the symptoms began, & it would be 6 months before it would put my very sick self in the hospital.

I tend to think all these pieces are related,& the shingles was just the icing on the proverbial cake. I am from a family of 6 kids, & I am the only one to get the shingles/and diabetes. None of my siblings or their kids have had them. For me,getting chicken pox led to even worse things.

"Would you like to get your child the chicken pox vaccine today?"

I know that vaccines do NOT lead to getting the disease,but the varicella immunization is a live vaccination,meaning that they can get a mild form of the disease . Although no where near as serious as the full blown disease, it's still mighty uncomfortable for the kiddo.

He's 12 months old, & although I certainly believe in getting a kid vaccinated for the major stuff I said no to this. I don't think 12 months is old enough to handle it.(& what if he has my crappy genetics?) I want him to have a long,healthy life,& I don't want diabetes to mar any part of it;& if he should get diabetes, I don't want to get it as a small child(& if that means no "questionable" vaccines while really young,so be it.

"No."

The pediatrician looked up,surprised. (as previously mentioned, he's gotten all his previous immunizations) "You realize that we'll keep asking you about this(specific immunization every visit)

Yes I realize that, but I also think that this vaccination is relatively "new" on the market & I have an obligation to my child to do what I think is best for him, even if you do think I'm a radical,conspiracy-theorist nutjob of a parent. I do want what's best for him..even if you can't see it.


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48 Questions

1. WERE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE?
No. My parents were disagreeing over what to name me, and "Heidi" won out over Genevieve and Mary.

2. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CRIED?
Two days ago,as I was watching the 2nd-to-last-EVER episode of "Private Practice." I shall miss that show.

3. DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING?
Yeah. It is uniquely mine...a mix of printing,cursive,and a self-improvement course I had to take in the 90's.

4. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE LUNCH MEAT?
Honey Ham..yum! But I'll eat anything.

5. DO YOU HAVE KIDS?
Yes, & he's the world's cutest toddler. (formerly the world's cutest baby) He is smart, opininated, and knows exactly what he wants in life. And he's a hugger.

6. IF YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSON, WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS WITH YOU?
Probably not. I am shy,and an introvert. I have a few good friends but I am not the life of the party. But if you are my friend,I think I am a good one.

7. DO YOU USE SARCASM A LOT?
Yes.

8. DO YOU STILL HAVE YOUR TONSILS?
No. I had them out in 2009 because I kept getting strep throat. It was a level of pain that I never want to experience again, but I'm glad that I got them out.

9. WOULD YOU BUNGEE JUMP?
No. I am not a fan of heights.

10. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE CEREAL?
Sunbelt Granola...or Lucky Charms!

11. DO YOU UNTIE YOUR SHOES WHEN YOU TAKE THEM OFF?
No. I'm too lazy.

12. DO YOU THINK YOU ARE STRONG?
When I have to be. I think that physically, I'm a wimp.

13. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE ICE CREAM?
Butter pecan.

14. WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ABOUT PEOPLE?
Their face.

15. RED OR PINK?
Red. I'm not a girly-girl.

16. WHAT IS THE LEAST FAVORITE THING ABOUT YOURSELF?
I'm too naive,& I wish I were better at assessing people/situations.

17. WHO DO YOU MISS THE MOST?
My grandma(mom's mom), she passed away in 2001.

18. WHAT IS THE TECHNIQUE THAT YOU NEED TO WORK ON THE MOST?
Getting myself & the kid out of the house on time.(to get wherever we're going)

19. WHAT COLOR SHOES ARE YOU WEARING?
I'm wearing brown boots.
20. WHAT WAS THE LAST THING YOU ATE?
Peanuts. I love any kind of nut.
21. WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW?
Nothing.

22. IF YOU WERE A CRAYON, WHAT COLOR WOULD YOU BE?
Burnt Sienna. I'm a pretty plain,non-stand-outish, person.

23. FAVORITE SMELLS?
-the hand sanatizers in Target bathrooms.
-Bath and Body Works hand soaps
-baking bread!

24. HOW IMPORTANT ARE YOUR POLITICAL VIEWS TO YOU?
Very important. If you (are a citizen,&) don't cast a vote, you don't have any right to complain about how the country is going to the dogs.

25. MOUNTAIN HIDEAWAY OR BEACH HOUSE?
Beach house. LOVE THE BEACH.

26. FAVORITE SPORTS TO WATCH?
Football, but I don't watch a whole lot of sports..got other stuff to do with my life.

27. HAIR COLOR?
Brownish-gold.

28. EYE COLOR?
Blue-ish grey.

29. DO YOU WEAR CONTACTS?
Nope, I wear reading glasses.

30. FAVORITE FOOD?
Anything cooked by someone else. I don't really like to cook.

31. SCARY MOVIES OR HAPPY ENDINGS?
Happy Endings. And I'll cry over it.(inevetibly)

32. LAST MOVIE YOU WATCHED?
Breaking Dawn.(part II) #vampirelove

33. WHAT COLOR SHIRT ARE YOU WEARING?
blue/white

34. SUMMER OR WINTER?
Fall...and then summer.

35. FAVORITE DESSERT?
Pecan pie.

36. STRENGTH TRAINING OR CARDIO?
I'm in need of both.

37. COMPUTER OR TELEVISION?
Computer.

38. WHAT BOOK ARE YOU READING NOW?
Lady Almina & the Real Downton Abbey. I am obsessed with British nobility.

39. WHAT IS ON YOUR MOUSE PAD?
It's a lake scene with a snow-capped mountain in the background.

40. FAVORITE SOUND?
the fizz of a diet coke can

41. FAVORITE GENRE OF MUSIC?
I don't really have a favorite, I listen to most anything.

42. WHAT IS THE FARTHEST YOU HAVE BEEN FROM HOME?
Hawaii I guess. In the opposite direction, the UK/Denmark.

43. DO YOU HAVE A SPECIAL TALENT?
I can balance 25 checkers on the edge of another checker.

44. WHERE WERE YOU BORN?
Harrisonburg, Virginia.

45. WHERE ARE YOU LIVING NOW?
Maryland.

46. WHAT COLOR IS YOUR HOUSE?
Puke yellow.

47. WHAT COLOR IS YOUR CAR?
Rust. It used to be gold...but time marches on.

48. DO YOU LIKE ANSWERING 48 QUESTIONS?
Sure, they were thought-provoking questions.

The Toddler Years

Babies are like potato chips.



It's hard to stop at just 1. My baby just had his first birthday recently...and hugely enjoyed smearing his cake all over himself,& me. Babies are sweet,sweet,sweet & after some time has passed..& they grow older, you start to get all nostalgic about the all too fleeting days of babyhood & you want that back. You've pretty much blocked out the hell that a diabetic pregnancy entails.(& plus,my kid has slept through the night since 3 months old..he's a good baby) Plus,you make rationalizing arguments that the kid needs a sibling,& we need a mini-van anyway... darn you,biological clock,do you not know that diabetes & pregnancy is not a friendly combination? The average number of kids for women with D is 2.4, I think I read somewhere. And each pregnancy is like a Kate Middleton-sized event...highly scrutinized by at least a dozen people.

No, we are not planning on having another one anytime soon. But time is blurring the line "never again!" to "maybe again."

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Silence

Close your eyes
listen to the silence
the fizz of the Diet Coke can
the tiny,slumbering puffs from a sleeping babe
the BEEEEP of a Dexcom
the space heater,roaring
the scraping of ice
the ploploplop of marshmallows
the sweat,the sweat
the slurrrrrrp of a juice box
the dropping of a meter
A 911 call
Jackboots in the hallway
the shriek of an ambulance
retching violently
Silence and Diabetes
Are not compatible.


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Dear DOC

I know you. We may live 2 or 15,000 miles apart...& may have never met, but I know you. We share playlists on Spotify,coo over baby/dog pictures on Instagram, share our A1C results on Facebook, tweet about the minutiae of our everyday lives on Twitter,entertain each other on YouTube & tell each other what to make for dinner via Pinterest. A conversation begun on one medium is continued on the next. Though we crisscross the globe, we are all connected via that disease we share...namely, diabetes. We are teachers,business people,entrepreneurs, librarians, doctors,nurses, a thousand different professions. We are parents,lovers, siblings,children,grandparents,aunts/uncles.We might have the same insulin pump,meter,pen,CGM,insulin,mode of blood sugar management.We swap 'Betes tips with or without the approval of our health care providers. We are soldiers on the front line of the diabetes wars, and the tools/weapons at our disposal are improving,year by year.(and yet,innocent people still are dying) We tell each other the stuff our families may get sick of hearing..there is always a listening,non-judgemental ear to hear us out. We give each other supplies (in hard times), because we care about each other. We see each other at our best, and at the worst, when the a1c is 6.0 and when it's 11.0. Cities on the map aren't just strange places anymore..they hold very awesome PWD(& those who support them ). We run marathons,write books,chase toddlers, climb mountains, pursue careers, & bolus that piece of chocolate cake into euroglycemic perfection.

Some might say I don't know you,& yet I say that I do. Thank you for being there.


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Towards 2013: A Bullet List

Ah, 2013. A New Year...full of hopes & resolutions. Some people do 'em,some don't. I do, because I like to attempt to improve my personal habits..even if I fail.(to try & to fail is to better to have never tried at all) I want 2013 to be my year..& I want it to be others too. Here are some of my hopes for the coming year.
1. I want to get my thyroid back in whack (still hypo)& my health back.( whatever that was) I've had recent issues with heartburn & difficulty swallowing, for which I just had an EGD done(biopsy results pending,normal appearing mucosa, a medium sized hiatal hernia)Diabetes related gastroparesis is,of course,a possibility.(next step if biopsies are normal are motility studies) Apparently hiatal hernias are pretty common in the general population & not the cause of my swallowing problems.(& not operable unless they are huge)
Every afternoon, from 3-7 pm I'm plagued with low blood sugars(requiring about 4-5 good sized juice boxes) & I'd really like 2013 not to be in a hypoglycemic stupor, staring at the baby & wondering if his first word(beyond mama/dada/nana) will be "lo!" I'd like to lose some weight, but mostly I'd just like to be healthy & functional.
2. I want to purge my diabetes supply closet & either use, or give away, most of my insulin pump supplies. (Believe it or not,that stuff does have an expiration date) It's not doing me any good just sitting in there, & I'm too in love with my Omnipod to go back. So the supplies must go. I'm also giving away my 7+ & several non-expired sensors,whenever I find someone in dire straits who doesn't have any insurance (or limited) to give it to. I would prefer to actually semi-"know/have met"the person,hence the reason I didn't ship them off a long time ago to someone (nameless)on Facebook.I will keep a box or so of supplies, as backup to my Animas in case my Omnipod dies.I feel guilty how much D-crap I've got,sometimes.
3. Speaking of Omnipod...I'm very much looking forward to their upgrade arriving.(rumor has it,in late February) Their redesigned PDM & much smaller pods look totally sweeeeeet.
4. School wise, I want to finish nursing school. I feel like that is a big "?", with so many health issues as of late, but it would be such an amazing accomplishment for 2013. It's also going to be my "Sweet 15" betes versary & what better excuse for a celebratory party can you have?(the non-D people need a valid reason to come) I want this year to be a period, not a question mark,in my life.
5. And in the personal habits category, I am going to start keeping a record of all my expenses. I'm so unorganized that I usually have no idea where I put a particular receipt, or just how much I spent on Diet Coke or diapers last year. I'm going to get a ledger & start keeping records.
6. D-meetups... I hope to have a few of these as well. (Friends for Life,etc.) Always a highlight in my year.
7. And the last one, circumstances permitting, I'd really like to be in the outpatient trials of the Artificial Pancreas going on this year. It's been a few years since I was involved. The research coordinator said there's a strong possibility that another phase will open up this year,& I'm on the list of people they'd contact so cross fingers that it happens. I NEED A MACHINE TO RELIEVE ME OF MY PANCRE-OTING DUTIES. (it would also be kinda nice to spend an entire 2 days in some hotel bed,watching TV, & have a little break from parenting as well. Judge me as you will.)

What are some of your hopes & resolutions?


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Towards 2013 (Part 1)

We're here in California,doing the semi-annual Christmas w/the other side. The day of travelling to get out here was nothing,if not interesting. The shuttle guy came 1/2 hour early, so we were rushing to finalize getting everything & everyone out of the house & the car seat installed in the shuttle van. And then we drove about a mile way & just SAT there waiting, for about 45 minutes.( he wasn't due to pick them up for another hour,but thought they'd be ready) They weren't, so we just sat there till he decided to go pick up the other passenger about 10 minutes away,& then come back. It was about 1 hr & 50 min.before our flight was scheduled to take off,& we still weren't enroute to the airport. The other family had a infant as well, so that van was pretty packed. Got to the airport with about an hour to go,rushed through security (it's kind of nice to have a baby,because they don't make me go through the scanner or patdown) ,& had just enough time to grab a sandwich from McD's & do a bathroom run before it was time to board. The baby did his hyperactive squirm/twist/bounce/grab/drop/scream for about 40 minutes then fell asleep for about 45 (layed out on both of ours laps) then woke up as we landed in Charlotte,NC. Had a wet diaper which soaked through his pants & mine,so when we got off the plane it was off to do damage control on that. And then it was literally time to board the next flight to LA..didn't have time to grab a meal for the plane. This plane ride was pure horribleness as he screamed for about 4 hrs(of the 5.5). Nothing appeased him,he wanted to get down & play. I suppose the only good thing about it was that someone switched seats with me so that at least the hubby & I could sit together..it was a 2 person job. Various well-meaning people would stop by,ooh and ah,& tell me my darling angel would fall asleep soon. (Just stop...you do not know this child) Gahhhh,nope. I did not use Benadryl,but I will on the flight back. Eventually,we got into LA(fun fact: my ears hurt like heck & my too-short-to-reach-the-floor legs were about to fall off) found the rental car place,drove around for what seemed like hours to get to our hotel in the Valley(East Coast Time: 1:30 AM) while the baby woke back up & started screaming & my earnest husband bought me a Gatorade(not diet:bg 3 hours later was 398) & it was just not a fun trip out here.
We're here though,& my husband's mom is enjoying seeing her grandchild again. I am thoroughly sick of people dishing out baby advice though.
Merry Christmas,one & all! (Should I not post again for several days) It is nice to actually see the sun again...in MD you don't.

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The Dream

Last night (or rather, this morning), immeadiently proceeding my "fell asleep in clinicals, got kicked out of nursing school" nightmare...I dreamed The Dream. You know, the one where we all get cured & all that jazz. I don't often dream The Dream (but when I do, it never comes courtesy of a needle) & what triggered it, no one ever knows. (maybe because I've been thinking so much about diabetes lately, my 14th diaversary was on Monday) Here's how The Dream went down.

We're outside of a stadium, waiting for something to happen. Suddenly a group of reporters (& quite possibly, every type 1 in the world) made a mad dash for the stadium,because there was going to be some huge announcement. It was pandomonium. People were crying, laughing, screaming, hugging each other(while oddly, trying to stampede each other to death to be first in line) & it was like the end of a war..it just gave you the warm fuzzies all over. And then they played the video of how the Artificial Pancreas had been perfected enough to be THE REAL DEAL... a cure, a perfect cure. It was a joyous dream, & the fact that I didn't quite make it to getting one didn't matter (my Dexcom alarmed,waking me up & reminding me that my blood sugar had just gone over the high mark & I'd better do something about it NOW) & upon waking up,I still could savored that feeling for the briefest of moments. Then I got to thinking, when there ever is a cure that's probably how it will go down. (I don't necessarily think the AP will be it though) Only there will also be sadness, for the people who didn't live to see that cure.

For now, these moments are just dreams...but one day, they will be reality.

A Letter from my Son: Dear Santa

Dear Santa,

I've been a good boy this year, truly I have. I was born, I ate/slept/pooped/grew into a whopping 20(!)+ lbs. I learned to crawl and to say "Mama" "Dada" and as of yet indistinguishable "gaaaa's" which clearly mean something, Mommy & Daddy just don't know yet.(parents are SO.CLUELESS...sigh) So this year, I've narrated a short Christmas wish list (forgive me, I don't know how to type just yet so Mommy is writing this)

#1

A big box, something like the above. This is one of my favorite "toys",because I can knock it down & chase it all over the kitchen floor, while Mommy is cooking supper. The actual blocks, eh they are so blahhhhhh in my baby world.

#2 A dolly with long, curly, golden hair. I've almost pulled all of Mommy's out by this point, and I need something else to yank on.

#3 A Bell. I totally dig the noises they make. Or pretty much anything dangerous or that makes noise, I am a fan of.

#4 A Cat Cage...so they can't take a swipe at me, every time I touch their tail(s) etc. They don't seem to like small humans like me. (what's up with that, we are AWESOME...)

And one last thing, Santa. I will leave you a plate of chocolate chip cookies (carb count: 29.7 carbs per piece) & your case of diet coke outside on the porch, otherwise Daddy or Mommy might get into them.


Yours Truly,

drools and hugs

the J-baby

Thankful

...for the little(& not so little) things in life...



- A snazzy new G4 Dexcom, which even though I had to drive 15 miles (to a store)because FedEx refused to drop it off without someone being present, is still a good thing. Opinion still being formed, but I think it's going to be really awesome for my (lack of) diabetes control.



Slapped a sensor on last night,after charging the receiver for three hours. Well,"slapped" being a rather mild version of what actually went down...more like flubbed attempt #1 (wasted sensor=scream at the sky)& taped the heck out of sensor #2, because if I didn't, they never stay in. I have learned that while inserting a sensor,if it hurts severely to pull back the needle/tape & try somewhere else,or it will turn into a blood bath. Mild pain means the goings still good. So,after poking around on my left thigh for 2-3 spots I finally found a good spot & stuck it in. Two hours after insertion,it was ready for calibration.(from there,it swung up & down all night..seems to be stabler today) Initial thoughts:it gets back on track MUCH faster then the Dex 7 (when calibrated). I love it's sleek,iPod-esque physique...& hate the case it came in.(useless snaps everywhere)



New boots. I've never been much of a boots person,but these were on sale for a mere $22 at Kmart & hot diggity,are they awesome. Perhaps they won't last a long time but they are comfy with that bit of flair & make me look much more fashion conscious then I actually am. I can't stop wearing 'em.



- For tissues,Tylenol, cough drops, & a hubby who will help out with the kiddo when I'm dying. Colds never really die in the household with a young child..they just get recycled and come back a month later. (see also,kids are still normal acting even when they are sick. Which is both good,& bad)


- A certain little guy is now starting to stand, & to pull himself up on stuff.(much to my relief, as he's been slightly delayed in reaching that milestone) And he now says "Mama" which totally wraps me around his little finger & makes me his slave for life. I could never get tired of hearing that, I don't think. It's usually in the context of wanting food(he loves to eat). In a couple of weeks, he may be able to get his helmet off(depending on the results of the head scan.)

And I'm thankful for all the normal stuff...friends,family, etc.I'm not thankful for diabetes, but I'm thankful for the fabulous folks that make up the DOC & I hope you & yours have a great holiday/weekend!


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Forgotten Afternoon

Apparently it involved glucose tabs, candy, & a rebound right up to where I was trying to get down from in the first place..cannot wait to get that G4...especially since I left my Dex 7 at my SIL's house & have been CGM-less for 5 days now. 2.5 hours of my life just blurred by. #WipeOutHypo

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First

It was his first Halloween.

And in a way, mine too. Because my upbringing was such, that Halloween wasn't/isn't/shouldn't be ever celebrated..I never went trick-or-treating,etc. as a kid.(some may see that as deprivation but what you've never done, you don't miss.) When you've been taught something & consequently, never done something your entire life, change comes hard. (doing something you've always been taught is wrong feels like committing some horrible,horrible sin akin to murder) You've got to rethink things for yourself, & 98% of America isn't any help (as they've always done it too, Christians included). And basically I've come to a somewhat unsettled self-acceptance that for us, personally,some aspects of Halloween are harmless, (and this is not a reflection on what you, personally,think about it) & this includes trick-or-treating. It's basically kids & candy,and I don't see a problem with that. (although I take issue with the parts that are at odds with Christianity)I won't let him dress up as something that we feel to be wrong, & that's that. (my husband did go trick-or-treating as a kid,but both of us are in agreement on this matter. Anyway, I don't have any experience in this..but I dressed him up in a baby Ravens jersey, socks,onesie/pants/ his helmet/undereye black tape thingies (that all football players seem to wear), got a pail,and prepared to hit the neighborhood about 6:30'ish. Hurricane Sandy was kind to us, power stayed on and no trees smashed up our house/street so other then being damp/chilly, it was ok conditions.

Unfortuently, my blood sugars decided they didn't want to play nicely,& 2 minutes out of the house I started feeling low. Drank a juice box. (still low) Walked around the neighborhood,talking to the neighbors & showing off the cute bebe...still felt low, drank another juice box. Shot up to 250. When you are trick-or-treating with an infant,you get a bunch of blank stares & "Can he eat this?" as people try to figure out what is safe to give him (much like trick-or-treating with a child with diabetes, or celiac). The answer to that question is: "Everything's fine." (because Mommy/Daddy will be eating it all anyway). I guess we're all just moochers...but this is a first experience, not really all that interested in the candy anyway. (if people choose to give it, they should know whats the likely scenario as to how it will be consumed) 20 minutes later, walked back to the house...and yet another up-and-coming-potential low popped up on my meter(79). Hubby went to go do early voting,and I drank another juice box/ate some candy/drank another juice box/fed another bottle/changed-put baby to bed/checked blood sugar again (220)/checked blood sugar 1.5 hours later (130)/crashed into bed. Fun times in 'betesville that night. (however, I did include as part of the Big Blue Test, so somewhere, someone benefited from my bizarro blood sugar evening. He took it well,no major meltdowns beyond the initial being scared of the dark bit. (which dissapated after I held him for awhile)

(candy haul!)

(football fun!)

Bulleted: Zombie Freebie & To Do Lists

- Home Depot's promotional Zombie Game gets you a $5,$10, and $15 coupons. (off of a $5+, $10+, and $15+ purchases respectively.) Yeah, your brain will be zombie-fied by the end of it..(tip: sign up for the lawn and garden club, you'll earn points twice as fast) but at max,it should only take an hour for you to get all the coupons. Anything "Lawn and Garden" isk at HD applies. (such as laundry/soap detergent,paper towels, toilet paper,cleaning supplies,tools, etc.) You can only use one coupon per purchase, but you can do multiple transactions. An hour for $30 of free stuff is worth it, in my book.


-And speaking of Zombie Brains, I'm still trying to un-zombie-fy mine from that whirlwind Medical-Surgical Nursing school course..so glad that's over. I get a breather before going back for Pediatrics, and I intend to put that time to good use. (first on the agenda:get my health back on track. Finally went to get my thyroid levels rechecked(something I should have done a month ago),I've put my Dexcom back on (on that note, I cannot WAIT for the new upgrade...they are sending me one free, even though I got a new system on August 25 & I thought I'd have to pay $399 for the upgrade),I'm trying to eat right & get my blood glucose levels out of the average of upper 200's. (nursing school is pure,un-adulturated,constant high blood sugar grade stress) Today, I'm going to my new nephrologist (I've seen him once before, in August),because of my Bartter's Syndrome & need for periodic magnesium infusions I had to get a new doc. (my old nephrologist retired) He's great,but he's a real stickler for patient appointments & TIMELY periodic updates. (as in every 3-4 months) He made that pretty clear at appt.#1 and there's no way I want to be fired by him, because finding a doctor who really understands that yes, I need that much magnesium mainlined via IV is practically impossible. (many docs will still try to tell you that you can just take it all orally) However, since my new doc knows my old doc & had all my records right there it would be pretty hard to say that, no, you don't need it. I also intend to get the house organized,have a yard sale, make several ambitious craft-sy Christmas gifts,and organize a first birthday party for one very cute little boy...so glad I've got the time to do it now! (maybe I'll even do NaPoBloMoMo..because I'm crazy like that)

(riding a pumpkin,on our weekend trip to a farm/pumpkin patch in NJ!)

No D-Day: The Poop, The Scoop, & The Endless Loop

(just a few of the things that I have learned from being a mom)


#1 Baby poop comes in all colors of the rainbow.Its almost artistic...in a totally disgusting kind of way.(and that's probably all you want to hear about that)

#2 This should be #1...as it's the most important baby fact ever-WASH YOUR HANDS, PEOPLE. Being in nursing school, you have to get into the habit of washing your hands A. when entering the patient room B. when exiting the patient room C.anytime you think your hands are dirty D. before any sort of procedure and E. whenever you think your instructor is watching you out of the corner of your eye. There are hand washing spies, whose sole job is to lurk around & take polls of the rate of handwashing compliance. (which they post, for all the world to see) In the hospital,the biggest cause of nonsocomial infections(communicable) is not washing your hands, and it is a very,very, big deal. Since I wash my hands a zillion times a day anyway, as I'm always cleaning up poop/pee/spitup/drool & other "unmentionable" tasks...I am used to doing this. But it really turns you into an OCD freak. ("Ackkk! a speck of dirt, need to wash my hands STAT!")

#3 Plan for the worst,when you leave the house...there is no such thing as being over prepared.

#4 Babies gravitate toward the most dangerous item in the room. ("Electrical cords-those look like fun, let's go chew on them!") Cat just puked? let's go check it it out! Small piece of plastic wrap on the floor-why not put it in our mouth and freak Momma out! Seriously,safe toys are NO FUN. (in their world) Which is why I find myself trying to think up exciting, non-dangerous toys but to a teething, ravenous,crawling 9-month-old, there really is no such thing as a safe toy. Even rattles they stick the stick end in their mouth & its just like (Agggghhhhhhhh) trying to prevent them from injury. Double incentive toward keeping those floors vacuumed. (complete cleanliness was never this much of a need, before)

#5 Every baby should probably have a helmet...at the rate they bang their head on things. Glad that mine is already wearing one. (does double duty)

#6 Holy wow, do they grow. (and eat...constantly) At 9 months old, my little dude is 20 lbs & what feels like half the length of his crib already. (and has five teeth) He isn't very chunky, which concerns me (it seems like babies should have some sort of fat reserve) but the pediatrician assures me that he's within normal limits. (pardon my mommy brain, we always find "something" to worry about)Growing + happy=healthy baby, so I just need to chill out.

#7 Their first words will be "Da-da"...which they will repeat for hours on end,seemingly endlessly. (to the delight of the dad, and the consternation of the mom.)

#8 Babyhood is all too fleeting...& then I can learn all about parenting a toddler!

From the Files of a Nursing Student: Blue

It was kind of a lax weekend, and by "lax"...I mean that there were no looming tests on Monday. Not that this means that they're giving us a breather, because there's a paper due today. (fortunately for me, I have one from the previous attempt at this course, that was never graded & in my eyes, legit for round #2) Hubby is away on a business trip for 9 days, so it's me & the baby. Baby plus keeping up with this place (cats, laundry, etc.) has me so busy I'm really grateful that there isn't another test till next Monday.

Four weeks down. Four to go. On Thursday, after I took my hubby to the airport & ran to the grocery store & went home, a brief GI virus sidelined me for the rest of the day & I wasn't sure that I could drag myself around on Friday,but I felt marginally better by then. Took my cardio test & sat through 5 hours of GI lectures. I did very,very badly on the cardio test (but my average is still ok...still there's no excuse for it). I think it was a combo of feeling sub-par plus not being able to "think" it out plus total brain deadness on the math questions. I studied, I REALLY studied. Cardio is supposed to be the worst test though (other then the final) so I just need to concentrate on getting stellar grades for the 2 tests before the final. My mom is coming up to help me out for a few days this week, so that will be really helpful. (try lifesaving...she cooks me food,cleans,shops,helps with the baby. I don't know how she does it all,but she had six kids so I'm sure this is just minimal compared to back in the day) That comes with its own particular brand of stress,as she's of the opinion that the first few years of a child's life should be exclusively day-care free..let's just say that we disagree on that point. I don't think I'm emotionally scarring my child for life,& I do my best for my baby.(and I enjoy doing it,he's a good baby) He is happy,healthy, & loves people(everyone..not just his momma)in some respects I feel like the interaction is good for him as well.


Four weeks to go. (have I said that yet?feels like I've been in this course for-ev-er. At the end of this course, there's a break until Jan. because of a weird quirk in what course plan,cannot take a 3rd semester course right after a 2nd semester) I've discovered why the hospital freaks the sams hill out whenever there's a glucose value like say, 53 (or 284)...those values require follow up by the nurse & possible notification of the doctor. And if you're a tired OB, a blood glucose of 284 is likely to majorly annoy you.(especially if you have no clue how swing-ish a type 1's blood glucose can be, post-pregnancy(or pretty much any time) Their goal is to
ensure that there are no surgery complications and discharge you as soon as possible. (and diabetes kind of throws a wrench in that process)
I really think they go overkill on it,as a type 1 I do not need to see a diabetes educator every time my blood glucose goes outside of the range...but it's all very much CYA. But you've got to remember that the vast majority of PWD are type 2...and have stabl-er blood glucoses then type 1's. They often do well on sliding scales,& have residual insulin production to keep their bgs lower. However, that doesn't help me in figuring out what type they are if they are older,perhaps overweight,already have some complications,and are exclusively on insulin but were just diagnosed. (because that info isn't in the charts)Doesn't this information MATTER? (well,it does to me...apparently not to anyone else) Couldn't they try type 2 meds, or has there been any screening bloodwork for antibodies,and shouldn't they get education on counting carbs etc.etc.etc...when it comes to diabetes, I wish I had a clearer clinical picture then the one I get.


A FB friend of mine passed away last night, she was 31 years old, type 1, and had just had surgery. (we used to chat on a diabetes chat) It's so sad when things like this happen out of the blue,& the family is left to grieve. (so much of that around the DOC lately) 31 is too young to die. 40 is too young to die. Please keep those families in your thoughts & prayers. I guess I've just been going through a mini-midlife crises, one in which I've been learning (in depth) about hospitals (and the million & one things that can go wrong post surgery...clots & DVT's, heart attacks, strokes,etc) and being in my 30's, it's been a jolting realization that yes, young people have these problems too...especially PWD. Waiting till I'm 45 & in the CCU with a massive MI isn't going to do me any good,I really need to start improving my diet & exercise NOW. (regardless of cholesterol, people have heart attacks from other things) And women, especially young women, do not have a good prognosis post-heart attack. I don't want to leave behind my family just yet, I want my baby to have a mother & my hubby to have a wife. (for a good long while) Life doesn't feel very fair sometimes but its a heck of a lot fairer then to die of a complication, too young. That complication isn't always "D" related...blood clots can be a complication of any surgery, regardless of the diabetes. You can do your best to lead a healthy life with D..but things can still happen, outside of your control. I just wish there was a cure for diabetes though,because it breaks my heart every time I see a blue candle.

The Nursing School Diaries: Day #2

It was all about the choices.
Choice A: turn around,go home,whisk my forgotten iBaby off the charger, & speed madly towards the hospital,praying that the traffic gods would be kind to me & that I'd be able to get to the right (yes,top) floor of the deserted parking garage (yes,they particularly hate students,they make us park as far away as humanly possible) & my butt across the grounds to the 5th floor of Obscure Building X before 6:45 am. Forgetting your phone is a crime punishable by death...because you need your phone to look up the 1,001 things you don't know.(thing is...you have to sneak off to the bathroom to do it,because should someone see you & think you are "texting" you are in big,serious trouble) Yes,our instructors encourage us to sneak off to the bathroom to do "questionable" practices. (or,should we need to text/find them...because the unit is so darn huge) Being late also means a Plan for Success..but if your instructor is lax on the "lateness" definition(or,is late herself,which some are) sometimes you just gotta take that risk & turn around,grab your phone,& go back. So forgetting your phone is a definite no-no while being slightly late just might be forgivable.

Such was the position I found myself in, one morning this week. I made it to the hospital by 6:40 & rushed over to the assigned meeting place,making sure I hadn't forgotten my backpack/purse/food/car lockup/permit displayed...& was there before my instructor, so everything was great.It was a busy day,as we acclimated to the computer system/healthcare setting/patient load etc...but by 9:30 I figured it was time to check my bg & grab a bite to eat.

Yep,I'd forgotten my PDM/meter/backup insulin vials/syringes in my car. I was also starving to death,but with no way to check my bg/bolus I didn't dare eat. Figured I needed something though so I ate a banana. There is a fate worse then ketoacidosis, & it's called "Plan for Success"...I didn't dare tell my instructor that my meter was out in my car,lest she write me up for not being prepared. In the meantime, my Dex crept up steadily towards 300 & I tried to just focus on making it to lunch,when I could go out & grab my meter/bolus myself into euro glycemic bliss once more.

12:30 came,I went out & checked..only 267. Felt more like 500,what with ketones slugging away through my circulation but I corrected,bolused for lunch,walked back to the rest of the group, & tanked up on fluids.(my insulin was fried..good thing my infusion pod was perfectly ok or I probably would have been in DKA)
Made it through the day,picked up the baby, spent the evening attempting to get my blood sugars straight & the ketones cleared. It's hard when you can't take care of yourself because no one else is allowed to do "X"...no slack cut unless you are dying.(& in that case, you'd be "relieved" of your clinical duties." I clearly have much to learn..in this crazy juggling (school,diabetes,family)life.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

The Day the Thyroid Died

August 16, 2012.

"You're so hypothyroid I'm surprised you're still standing."

Coming from my Endo, I suppose that is high praise.(or something) I don't get a choice about the "functioning" bit...the baby has to eat, life has to go on (regardless of how I'd rather just stay in bed all day. But the funny thing is, I am relieved...relieved that there is a cause for my utter exhaustion/weight gain(yeah, 10 lbs)/digestive woes/highly labile blood sugars). You don't really want to mention these symptoms unless there is a cause,but when she started questioning me about them, yep I pretty much have most of those symptoms. It's kind of like before you're diagnosed with diabetes..feeling crappy feels like the way you've always felt, and you can't imagine feeling better.

Oh, and my a1c is 8.6. I think it's been about 8 years since I've had an a1c of that (non) caliber...pass me a gold star. (kidding) That's not entirely accurate, it's falsely elevated (from my hypothyroidism), a fact that I find a marginal bit of comfort in. ("Hey, I bet my a1c is really under 7...right?") My insurance company isn't covering in-office a1c's any more(the Endo office has just been doing them, and writing off the cost) but the Endo's office is now laying the law down..and I have to get them at the lab, the week prior to the visit. (in the future) So the fact that I paid $54.67 (out of pocket) to find out an horrendously crappy a1c is kind of amusing. I actually feel like of passe about that number..even if it really was 8.6,I'm not upset over it. I know things will get better, & when I have enough energy I can actually get them better.

So I started on Levothyroxine (50 mcg/a fairly low dose), and in a few weeks, will have thyroid levels rechecked.(and go from there-will probably have to get the dose adjusted upwards) I am feeling slightly more energetic,and I'm hoping as my body gets re-TSH-ized I can resume feeling like a human being.

I'm also going to try out the One Touch Verio...got freebie one at the Friends for Life conference and liked it, enough to the point where I'll order a three month test strip supply & see what it does for my control. I feel like the Freestyle does a pretty good job with mirroring my actual bg/symptoms feelings but people say the freestyle reads too low. I like the pattern spotting of the Verio, but I'm not wild about how much off it is (compared to the Freestyle). Getting used to it may be an insurmountable challenge. (I'm going to give it at least 3 months). (I'm not the only one with doubts about switching) I love my pod, and I don't want to switch to the Tandem (regardless of how cool it was...pod trumps all) but I also don't want to switch to the regular One Touch strips (when their new PDM comes out). I'll just test on another meter/enter that number into my PDM...I hate when the pump companies force you to change strips.(to be pump compatible) One Touch strips have not been as accurate as Freestyle...in my experience. (Yours may vary) Of course, One Touch Gold (for the Verio) may be an entirely different beast then the regular One Touch strips. And it may actually be a good thing for my a1c...the Verio strips tend to read high(er) then the Freestyle.

On, towards better days.

Nursing School: Take III

Yep, here I go again. Now with an adorable,active (almost crawling) little 7 month old...life doesn't slow down for anything.

The course in question is Medical Surgical (part 1)...and it's my third attempt. (the first attempt was a "drop out on the first day of class" affair and the 2nd,I thought I would be all SuperWomanish and do it all. Didn't work out like that & the icy,bitter shards of what went down is something I still can't talk about, even to my blog)

Third attempt. Last attempt. If I fail again,I'm out of the program. I believe that I can do this, but most of it will definitely be a mental journey (as I face some of the same individuals who did their very darnedest to make sure that I failed). Because I'm not an idiot,it wasn't the coursework that got me. There is one thing that I learned through this though,and that is that "trust" is not something to be given out lightly...I am too naive. Not all instructors are there because they want you to succeed. (Some are there just to collect a paycheck) Trust is mine,trust is not something I have to automatically give to you just because you have a string of credentials behind your name. These are lessons burned into my soul, trial by fire...still fresh from the experience.

Anyway...back to the whole "registering for school" deal. To be able to get accommodations, (aka taking tests in the testing center/being able to have food/glucose available/being able to treat highs, lows as needed) I have to go through the office of Disability Accommodations. I have to have said accommodations, or I'd get suspended for eating/suspected texting/etc. (the joys of diabetes, nu?it is is almost not worth the trouble & I wish I could just hide that I have it) So, right before the start of the new semester, I request a "renewal of accommodations" packet (through the school website) and then go to pick it up from their office. Inside that packet are three separate forms..each form is in triplicate. (white, yellow, pink)

Form #1 I take to the testing center, they sign, I sign, and they keep the yellow copy. I keep the pink copy, and return the white copy to the DSS office.

Form #2 is an instructor "memorandum" (more specifically,listing the exact accommodations needed(eat/drink in class, monitor bg,medical supplies present,1.5x time) to remind them that they have a student taking tests in the testing center, and they have to drop off a test there. (so I can take them) Instructor will sign, I will sign, they will keep the yellow copy, I will keep pink, and the white copy goes back to the DSS office.

Form #3 is the official course form/memorandum for the teacher's file. The instructor signs, I sign, and they keep the yellow copy, I keep the pink, and the white copy goes back to the DSS office.

The testing center is on the opposite side of the campus, which means that I'm usually missing half an hour(or more) of the lectures. Not that I mind, but while everyone else gets to take their test/go to lecture in the same place, I get to run around everywhere attempting to keep on track with everyone else. Yeah, this "Special Treatment" thing is not all fun and games. The lectures I could repeat in my sleep (by this point),and I'm hoping they'll use the same tests (the answers I think I'll have remembered) so that that part at least will be stress-free.

It's entirely possible to be a good mom/go to school at the same time...and I want this degree. I've been working towards this for 11+ years,and if it's not to be, it won't be because I didn't give it my all.

August Update

Life Update : Massively busy, full steam ahead.

I guess its been said (many, many times before) but babies tend to suck time out of the day like nothing else. 99% of your time goes to feeding, diapering, changing, cleaning, & making these small human beings healthy & happy.(and with some children, the "making happy" clause requires almost constant interaction) With the other 1% of your time, you attempt to do all the other tasks that life requires(feeding,laundering,etc.etc.one spouse),occasionally sleeping,and shoveling food into your mouth to keep going and that kind of leaves 0% of your time for other stuff...like say, blogging, or having a social life. (and diabetes care? Forgetaboutit)

And I'm going to be honest here,I have no clue how these people with 12+ kids do it (or parents of multiples). I feel like I'm living on the verge of meltdown...too many tasks,not enough energy to do it all.(yes, the spouse does help out but even with that its living life on the edge) I know it won't be this way forever,but right now I have next to no energy or motivation to do beyond the basics. Part of the issue may be my thyroid, which is doing its own version of mimicking a CGM (fluctuating between too high, and too low) sucking what energy I did have right down the black hole. My Endo calls this fluctuation "postpartum thyroiditis" and feels that it will burn itself out, in a few months. (in the meantime,just deal with it, princess.(my words...not hers. She's just giving it time, because most cases do eventually become more stable,aka go to hypo permanately)

Anyway,blood sugar wise all these fluctuating hormones haven't been too much of a disaster...my average has been pretty decent. I can't be assured of a better a1c, but I'm spending much less time at both hyper and hypo glycemia so all in all, I'm pretty happy with my D-management. (regardless of what this week's a1c will be) I just want life to settle down, the baby to become less demanding and to settle this thyroid mess so I can get back to feeling like a human being again. And maybe, just maybe,I will get more organized & want to get more fit (aka lose 10 extra baby lbs). If anti-depressant drugs are also involved in the process, I'm cool with that.(anyone who isn't depressed post-pregnancy has got to already be taking anti-depressants, what with what's involved)

Cross fingers.

7 Month Letter

Dear J-Baby,

Today you are 7 months old...and the theme for this past month has been "have arms/legs, will roll." Rolling is something you already do quite well,gone are the days of putting you on the bed unsupervised. Yes, you've fallen off=massive Mommy guilt (babies are faster then the speed of light)& so its down to the floor for you. Incedentily, you don't stay on the floor blanket either...prefering to roll around to all corners of the room, seeking the most dangerous,dirty objects to attempt to put in your mouth/tip over/etc.(hence the need for constant supervision)You don't crawl yet, but you're scootching yourself up on your knees and doing a little belly flop with a great sigh of exasperation. (it's coming,perhaps not fast enough for you, though)

This past month, you've acquired two bottom teeth...and a helmet, to correct your plagiocephaly (head asymmetry). Despite having physical therapy for a few months, the head asymmetry is pretty severe (& getting worse) which for some babies, is the case. The helmet has to be worn 23 hours a day (for about 12 weeks).(to shape the growth of the skull) In this hot weather, its not a pleasant experience & causes alot of sweating/deep red facial skin rashes. To the untrained eye, it doesn't cast your parents in a very favoriable light.(I swear we have not been scourging our child with hot irons) I'm going to ask about something we can do to prevent/clear up those patches (although they said it is normal,I'm not sure as to what degree they were talking about).

You are the best little baby ever..and the most social one. (basically, if you aren't around people 24/7 you're very unhappy) You like your rice cereal & applesauce (greenbeansauce was not a hit & gave you diarrhea),& for now, that's the extent of your solid food experience. For the first year, we've decided to go gluten-free (because the guilt parade doesn't quite end after pregnancy,& many T1 parents opt for that to further decrease their kids chances of developing an autoimmune illness.) Well,your parents don't agree that there should be ANY guilt involved,because as we all know T1 diabetes is a strange beast(striking both breastfed,and formula fed,individuals randomly), & ditto that with celiac disease but for now,the most current research says "this may be benificial to your kiddo" so we're going to roll with it. Both your mommy & your daddy were fed lots of strange things as infants...and somehow managed to survive.(such as onions...my dad thought it was fun to watch the faces that we'd make) You crack yourself (and everyone around you)up...you're a very funny baby. (destined to be the next Jay Leno, perhaps?) You can kind of say the word "hello" (hi-yo), which in your mind, is associated with food. (Hello?Hello??Feed me now, Mommy) You also grab at the spoon, the bottle, and the bowl...to assist (dump food all over) in the feeding process. (you aren't quite ready to feed yourself yet)

You're a whopping 16 lbs & a jumble of arms and legs, most of which are in constant kicking/flailing/swimming motion...and you're working at sitting up, unassisted. (your back muscles aren't quite strong enough yet, since you're dealing with the added weight of the helmet)

You're pretty incredible,& you just keep getting more so!

Love,

Your Mommy

Hypo at Midnight

Fingers
dance along the console
Grabbing
rolls of glucose tabs
Popping
Into open mouths
Waiting (&waiting)
to relieve the shakes
to relieve the shakes.

This is how it was
This is how it is
This is how it must be

Until there's a cure.
Until there's a cure.
Until there's a cure.
(will I see a cure?)

Hypos
Flirting with disaster
Numbness
Spreading over body
Panic
Emptying the fridge
Rebound
Into stratosphere.

This is diabetes.
This is "control"
This is what it's like.

Better
Relatively steady
Always
Just a unit
Away
From the unknown

People have died
People die
People will die
(how is this controllable?)

wishing
For a day
no
Highs or lows
eating
Everything I want
being
What's considered normal

For me
For my diabetes friends
For my friends & family
For anyone who has ever been touched by diabetes,in any way,shape or form.

CURE.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Project: Organization D-Junk

I've fallen in love with the greatest personal organizer...ever.




Found it at Michaels(crafting supply store in the US). I'm sure variations exist in any hardwear/craft store..but I like this particular one because its just perfect for my D-needs.If you're like me, & your bedside stand is a confusing jumble of used test strips,candy wrappers, and other D-(& one low can create that in a hurry)... Then you'll recognize the need to have something to maintain order from the chaos. This fits that need...perfectly.

It's a 8" x 6" x 6" stand up organizer..the perfect size for a nightstand (or dresser).



It has 1 large central space..the perfect size for a bottle of glucose tabs (&/or a can of Diet Coke...)



Just off the central compartment, two smaller compartments can house your D-supplies quite comfortably. (I have my PDM/strips/lancing device in one..and a spare pod/insulin vial/syringe on the other side. They don't get mixed up,and I can deal with each situation separately.I don't have to worry about spilling Diet Coke into a sea of used test strips already covering my phone.









There are 4 side (2 in each side)pockets..great for tucking a roll of glucose tabs or pack of candy into. (or an empty canister,to dispose of used test strips)




Or even a CGM receiver. (no more searching the room because you aren't sure where that shrieking is coming from)



Finally, there is another (open) pouch off the one side...and a velcroed pouch off the other.(perfect for anything else you might need...like a phone(to tweet those early morning "Diabetes Sux!?!" messages...) or a pack of breath mints...or a small pack of tissues after reading an especially emotional blog post...






And the stand-up handle is awesome..it could almost be a purse or murse.(there is a paisley inside print,but the one I got is a pretty solid black on the outside & tape could be placed,to obscure what is showing,if that offended you. It also came in purple/pink at the craft store. Neither of those is a favorite color of mine,so I went with the black. Although the inside print is hardly noticeable.) It's very portable,very trip-friendly, and I think I'll be going back to get several of these. (at $6.99, a reasonable price,IMO)

(as always,no one paid me to write this..the opinions expressed therein are my own & I paid for said product out of my own pocket.)

What do you use to keep your D-stuff organized?
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Scare Yourself Every Day: The D-Chronicles

I'm not sure what I was expecting...something like the above, perhaps. (it didn't look like that at all)

Anyhow, I came, I saw,I signed 3 consent forms & was duly eye dilated(R) up. Was taken back to a separate waiting room where two other patients joined me as the baby made shrieking noises to pass the time. Dr. S(paghettio),my ever so buyount opthamologist came to take us over to the lasaring room (where I parked the baby stroller in the corner),& put my head on the device rest.

Click. Click. Click. SNAPPPP. It wasn't painful to the eye, but the frequency was horribly unpleasant to my ears.

"This can't possibly be painful," said Dr. Spaghettio, noting the look of deep consternation on my face.

SNAPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP.


"Not painful to the eye..it just sounds horrible."

SNAPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP.

(I think that was my brain-this is not a pleasant experience.)


"There is no way this can be painful!" Dr. S. continued to insist.

(whatever, dude. I don't think you've ever had a lasar zapping around inside your eye

before.)

SNAPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP. (IS IT OVER YET?!?)


"A few more zaps...you have a huge pupil." (why thank you)

SNAPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP.

It was only a few minutes of this, yet felt like lightyears.

"All done! See you in a month."

"Great." I get up from the chair, locate my baby and my sunglasses, and roll on out
of there. "I hope that's done it."

Later that day....

(painkiller time. I'm not sure where he got the idea that said lasaring is never
painful,maybe because he's never had a patient under the age of 40 to go through this. Perhaps older people have a higher tolerance to pain then younger folks.)


It seems to have been somewhat effective...I'm hoping a few more days & it'll be as good as the left eye. Anyhow, I can now cross that one off my Reverse Bucket List. (I'm sure it won't be the last time a lasar goes zapping around in there).