Wednesday, January 21, 2009

Jolt

When they called the first time, it was beyond belief, drop-you-dead in your tracks unbelievable. And I didn't believe it, I used the word "impossible" twice in the resulting dialogue.

And then they called the second time, and the emotions of time #1 rose and plummeted to the deepest depths. I didn't say "that's impossible." I didn't say much of anything, because the rollarcoaster ride was just too much.

I am angry. Angry at diabetes. Angry that I can't just have a normal life and have kids, have a career, have a life.

I had a miscarriage last week. Not that I was aware of it, by the time I knew I was
I'd been whammied by abdominal pains/period(check, for 2.5 weeks late) and a few days later, well, I wasn't.(plummeted hcg levels) Yes, I use birth control. (for years, people) That apparently, doesn't always work(why NOW?) and add diabetes and what chance did anything have of making it. I know my diabetes isn't in good enough control for a baby. So why do these things happen? Seems like a pwd can't do anything without risk. I've got so many mixed up emotions, I don't know how you're supposed to deal with something like this. I didn't want to be pregnant but when I learned I was I would have continued it. It's something that never occured to me..that you could get pregnant on bc. Maybe my control caused it, maybe it was something else. Really, I'm not sure I could survive a D pregnancy but I'd do my best.(I do want to be a parent someday but I always thought it'd be by adoption)

All I know is, I need to do better on my D-control. That, or get my tubes tied.
(apologies for the graphicness of the post)

7 comments:

Minnesota Nice said...

OMG Heidi. Yes that was a max jolt.
I am sorry - sorry for the need to question whether it might be the db. Shoot.
Feel better soon.

Major Bedhead said...

Oh, I'm so sorry to hear this. I know it's difficult not to, but try not to blame it only on the diabetes. The statistics say that about 1 in 4 pregnancies end in miscarriage and much of the time, there's no definable reason for it. I had one 5 years ago and my doctors couldn't tell me why. Sometimes it just does happen. It really sucks, no matter what the reason. Just be gentle with yourself.

Kassie said...

an unexpected pregnancy, or miscarriage, brings a torrent of feelings anyway - throw in the fears and concerns of diabetes that is not in perfect control and you just don't have a chance to process it 'normally'. I get that this sucks in and of itself, but the extra layer of diabetes makes it even tougher. You're in my thoughts.

Penny said...

Sorry Heidi. Thinking about you... (((hug)))

Colleen said...

Oh Heidi, I am so sorry. You're in my thoughts and prayers. Please be sure to give yourself some time to heal. It's important.

Scott K. Johnson said...

Oh Heidi, I am so sorry to hear that. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

Cara said...

I'm so sorry to hear about this. It is one of my biggest fears, personally. I'm keeping you in my prayers.
And as for birth control, I think it's over rated. My best friend got pregnant on birth control, another friend got pregnant TWICE on birth control, and a co-worker of mine also got pregnant TWICE on birth control.
My cubicle at work is surrounded in pictures of babies that were not supposed to happen.
That being said, your diabetes probably had nothing to do with it. It does happen with or without diabetes. Prayers are being sent your way.
Let me know if I can do anything for you.