Tuesday, May 12, 2015
Keeping it to Yo'self: Dblog Week Day #2
Many of us share lots of aspects of our diabetes lives online for the world to see. What are some of the aspects of diabetes that you choose to keep private from the internet? Or from your family and friends? Why is it important to keep it to yourself? (This is not an attempt to get you out of your comfort zone. There is no need to elaborate or tell personal stories related to these aspects. Simply let us know what kinds of stories we will never hear you tell, and why you won't tell them.) (Thank you Scott E of Rolling in the D for this topic.)
Good rule of thumb: if something could potentially damage the reputation (or otherwise) of another human being, then you have no business sharing it on the 'net. So, about that non-existant reputation that I have...well, I hope its fairly intact. You won't ever see drunk photos on here because there are (thankfully) none, but sometimes I wonder if I've kept my blog really that pristine clean.
I try. I try not to post anything embarressing to those that I care about. And there are things I don't share, because I've promised my husband I would not do so. Its for his comfort and peace of mind, because sometimes I have a hard time not oversharing. I don't have a problem telling you my a1c, or any other number. But the one thing that I rarely share, and its more of the case that I just never felt that anyone else could have this issue to the extent that I do..is my fear of hypoglycemia. It strikes hard, and it strikes fast, and although the last time I ended up on the side of a dextrose drip has been years I still think that it may kill me someday. So what does this mean? It means that I usually under dose, and deal with hyperglycemia just so that I won't have to deal with the low. (when 1 unit plus exercise can drop you over 100 points you just aren't that fond of going by the CDE/Endo's recamondation) I really, really, really, really want to stay alive for my family. And yes, I have a Dexcom, and a pump, and can adjust things and test, treat, as needed. But if you've ever gone from 70 to 33 in 15 minutes (requiring glucagon), had lows that took over 120 carbohydrates to treat, seen numbers under 20, or shook semi-conscous in the arms of an EMT you cannot forget that. I think its kind of a post-traumatic situation that you can't ever just feel ok about. I don't under-dose to lose weight, I under dose to stay alive. My endo does not understand this,given my access to modern technology. ("You have a Dexcom. You don't have to flip out. Take the recommended dose.")
So I struggle, and probably will until there's some sort of Artificial Pancreas that's better at this numbers game then I am. I'm not sure if there are any mental health professionals out there that understand either, I tried that too. They didn't understand the complex relationship with the medication that is never consistent in its dose age needs. I don't know what the answer is,but every day is a struggle between what I know should be done, and not wanting to deal with the resulting hypoglycemia.