Phases

I have type 1 diabetes, & my islet cells don't work worth two beans.Or do they?

If you were to measure my c-peptide,it would be non-existent, at 0.0 mmol. I know this,because with diabetes research studies,they are always measuring c-peptides...and as mine goes,it is always non-existent.(some long-term type 1's still do retain a slight production) Researchers theorize that producing insulin may have protective powers against the crazy high-low destructive variability(that is type 1, in a nutshell) So much for any protection for me (should that be true)

But there are times,not related to exercise,illness,temperature,or the phase of the moon...when I could swear that my pancreas is doing something.And when it begins,the lows just go on and on and on(seemingly unending).

Last night was such a night. 95 at supper(a zillion carbs of spaghetti), 65 by the end of supper. Bolused half(because of the low),and waited for the pasta factor to just hit en masse. 45 minutes after supper...70.Ate some candy. 30 minutes after that...72. Ate 16 grams glucose tabs. 30 minutes after that...55.And so on,till about 10 pm,when,sick of eating,I cut off my basal rate for an hour,& threw the big guns(chocolate milk) at it.11 pm-76.Cut off my rate for another hour,had another cup of chocolate milk & prayed that it would work because the next step would have been experimenting with mini-glucagon dosing to try to avoid going to the ER. I was scared that it wouldn't work,but 3 hours later I awoke to a lovely 296 which I bolused half of what I normally would(1.5 units) effectively knocking it down to 106 this morning. I think I probably ate around 300 carbs last night,it was absolutely insane.Rarely does my mind go to the "what if this doesn't work?" scenario,& it makes me realize that I have absolutely no plan(aka "panic-free") way of handling something like this(mainly because it very rarely happens) I have had days where I'd have 7-8 lows a day,because of whatever wackiness was going on,but it was a controlled chaos,& I could keep on top of it. There was nothing controlled about last night...never in my life has a bolus of 2.5 units(plus 1.5 basal) done that. People think that insulin production is a wonderful thing, a dream that they'd give anything to see again but I am not so sure,in the context of T1 diabetes it is just a major pain in the butt. You'd have to figure out just how much less insulin you need(and no answers are forthcoming from said pancreas as to how much it's producing). The world of diabetes is not cut and dried(as to what can/will happen),& more then anything, I just want stability. I'd rather take a relatively consistent amount of insulin & have great control then little insulin & be crashing every five seconds.(of course, I'd much rather just not have D in the first place but that's not one of the options)

I hate diabetes.


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Winning The Battle, Losing The War

Prioritizing. It's something that I'm none too good at, and by now, the list of things that I've been meaning to blog about is so long that I'll never in a million years catch up so why even try?

And plus, I've been having serious disenchantment with my blog platform. After 5+ years, it just seems so incredibly basic and blah(which was good in the beginning,but now it's overly simplistic). I know next to nothing about developing a website,but there has to be better platforms out there. Change needs to come. As emotionally attached as I am to "The D-Log Cabin", even that may have to go. There are posts in here that I'm sure are none-to-complimentary(too many names) toward certain parties,and I have to think that one day,some online stalker playing "Connect-the-Blogs" could play havoc with that. I try not to put too much private info on my blog but I'm not sure I've been terribly successful in that.

Most of my energy,emotional & physical, seems to be consumed by the diabetes these days...and it seems like I don't have enough energy to blog. It's not that it's hard(to dash off a 20 minute post), it's just that,given the choice, I'd rather collapse into bed. I hope that changes,but that's the reality for right now...winning the D-Battle, seriously losing/behind on every other part of my crazy/ busy life.


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The Runaway

It's been missing for two full days. I know it isn't in the car(checked) or house (for with the number of lows I've had, I'd have heard the alarm,the battery was fully charged)

Where is it? Where was the last place that I went that it might've fallen out of my pocket? Let's try the doctor's office.

"Excuse me,but did I leave a medical device there on Wed.?"

"Yes,it's here. We were wondering who's it was."

Success, relief. How I didn't realize that sooner is anyone's guess.




I'm not a parent,but I think I know exactly how it must feel to get your kid back safe & sound..a little bit angry ("Bad, BAD Dexcom!") a whole lot scared, and a whole lot relieved. The day I leave a device like that in an airport is the day I NEVER see it again. Everything is getting labeled/phone numbered,against the day that it does happen again.

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The DiabetiThon

The road stretches straight ahead
Miles and miles, off into the darkness
and yet it seems so oddly familiar
like an endless loop
for I am no hero,& I have been here before
drop-by-drop,counting the gallons lost
hole-by-hole, playing Connect-the-Dots with the scars
Diabetes: 5000 Me:0
seeking to lessen the damage
in this Diabeti-Marathon
I run to live
and my prize is being alive
for in this race,there is more taking then giving
kidneys
heart
eyesight
every other complication under the sun
Am I doing this right?
no one can tell
Although confirming my failures is easily done
and yet I think at least I'm 75/25
and good for many more rounds around the track
but the monotony is stifling
and I am tired to my core
day in,day out
it never ends
Can a human being live this way?
I want to believe in a cure
but the passage of time
jades the most enthusiastic of people
so I settle for survival
and I wait for the sun to come up
the diet coke to kick in
And then I see that I'm not the only one running this race.


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The Problem With 80

The problem with 80,they say
Is more, that it stays not that way.
It soon starts to drop
And more eating of glop
Is repeated oft times in a day.

I personally have no problem with an 80, or even upper 70's, but as it creeps down into the lower 70's it gets into my cranky zone & I start feeling low. My Endo can't understand this ("You aren't low. You're just too high most of the time.") implying that I should just suck it up & embrace it for all it's worth,& one day it won't feel so bad.

My Endo does NOT have diabetes. I can't tell my body to love a 71,(which,with the strip margarin of error is probably more like 64) and when I'm dropping, I feel it. And with anything in the 70's, the odds are 100% that I will drop(be it on basal alone) Yeah,my blood sugars are quite a bit more stable these days and my goal is to be near 100,but I don't know if I'll ever be comfortable with upper 60's/lower 70's. I'm glad that I feel my lows(quite well) but numbers like that seem to me to be flirting with fate.(raises hand,been there,got the tshirt)

Yeah, me and the Endo have an oil and water relationship these days..I sometimes think she wants me dead. I don't intend to go from a low though,and as previously mentioned,I think she's from the Land of Textbookidemia & isn't really listening to my point of things(hypos KILL too). I mean, I've only been doing this for 12.5 years(longer then she's been practicing) I think the fact that I don't eat the kitchen sink (treating with the minimal amount of carbs) shows that I have improved in that regard.

Anyone else have an exasperating Endo?(She's good,she's just driving up the wall)


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A Story of a Great Doc

There are bad doctors. There are so-so doctors. There are good doctors. And lastly, there are exceptional doctors,the ones that you will never,ever,ever forget.

This is the story of an exceptional doctor.


It was the best of times,it was the worst of times. It was many years ago,and my health was non-existent with a storm of puzzling,vague,weird symptoms that made my life non-livable 24/7/365. It's hard to get into what that was like,
for it was no kind of a life at all. There were doctors(and more doctors),and tests,and weird abnormalities that did not fit any specific disorder. It was a long,depressing process...and guess what,I was told that I was depressed.(which I was,by that point,but it made me mad to be told it was all "in my head") After the World's Worst Seizure,(and a subsequent workup at Big University) no one told me it was all "in my head" anymore,but answers weren't exactly forthcoming either.And then I went to an ENT(quite possibly,the only specialty I hadn't seen,by that point) I had all these symptoms that were being treated,and no "big picture."

It wasn't hard to like him,this young,charismatic doc with a boundless sense of optimism. He had a plan,& that plan involved figuring out WHY I was as dizzy as a drunken sailor 24 hours a day.After several tests,it was discovered that my eyes/ears didn't track well with my equilibrium & so I underwent "balance training" to try and fix that. What did I have to lose,my brain was on the fritz anyway.Eventually,things got better in that regard(as well as the rest of the health drama) but I think the best thing he gave me was the renewed sense that I was right,& not nuts,no matter what the medical profession did/did not find.A couple years after that,he took out my tonsils and since then,he's been my allergist doc.(all is status quo in that regard too,my allergies haven't been that bad this year) I don't think he ever once chewed me out about anything D-related,(in direct contrast to any other doc I've ever had)which makes him an extremely rare HCP.

Diagnostic Skillz...he's got it.

Bedside manner...he's got it.

Surgical prowess...he's got it.

Cuteness...he's got that too,& let's be honest,anything that goes easy on the eyes is conducive to the healing process. (even for married folk,though that's where it stops)Everybody likes him, he's that kind of a person.

There are good doctors,in every specialty,and when you meet one...you will know it forever.They go above & beyond the Hippocratic Oath,& make the world a better place.They make medicine what it is meant to be. And I think that whatever your definition of a great doc is,there are probably elements of most of the above in it.


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Pictured

Pollen and Puddles




(contents of purse.80% Diabetes Related.No wonder my arm sprang Neuropathic issues on me.(cruel,cruel irony,if diabetes itself doesn't do it carting around all the supplies will)




(fast-forward, please)




(Now Pause!)




(mail treasures...must do book review soon)




The dreaded SoxPox, which is 100% lethal.(attempting to "cure" it...is futile, it gets tossed.)

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iPhone

Beautiful Things

I'm well aware that I flunked out of #Dblogweek, but I'm still going to do this final post as a sort of combination of the last three posts that I missed.Awesome things plus Snapshots plus deep and profound thoughts.

#1 Friday was the final day of nursing school..and the big Nursing Convocation.Passed my final exam with an 88(and how that happened,I dunno,because it was so hard I was only sure about 65% of it),earning me a B for the course(and an A&B for the other courses). It felt quite odd to be done,and smooshed into an auditorium with hundreds of other 1st,2nd,3rd,and 4th Semester students. But it felt good too,for as hard as 2nd Semester is reported to be,with the first semester under our belts we can take on the world now.It almost felt like we should be tossing hats up in the air(along with the graduating class),we made it.(stupid,I know,but it feels like I've been in school forever!) And then(after the various awards,etc.) there was cake,and punch,and a subsequent spiking of bgs to undesirable levels...goodbye,school!

2. Blood sugars can be beautiful. Unfortunately, the effects of Tylenol upon a Dexcom sensor are disastrous,& the effects on consecutive days makes you wonder why you're even bothering. So I'm not going to show you a nice,flat, Dexcom line(because quite frankly, I don't have any) but stable blood sugars are a wonderful thing.(not that I even have that,but I'm trying)

3. My last a1c was down by 0.2.And considering that the "cheat" one I had done(my Endo never knew about) was up by a good 1.1, I consider the fact that I dropped that sucker a good 1.3 in a month's time nothing short of miraculous.Nursing school is the dearth of good control.

4. Summertime,summertime...so much to do,& so little time!Two major trips next month,& I'm sure August will be here before I know it.And September.
(yikes,I'm old) My to-do list is a mile long,& I hope to make a sizable dent in it.

5. All of you awesome people in the diabetes blog'o'sphere (and offline,online). It was great reading (some of) the #dblogweek posts.(what I could get to)

6.











(and the best is yet to come!)

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Just Ten?

Ten things I hate about you, Diabetes - Thursday 5/12: Having a positive attitude is important . . . but let’s face it, diabetes isn’t all sunshine and roses (or glitter and unicorns, for that matter). So today let’s vent by listing ten things about diabetes that we hate. Make them funny, make them sarcastic, make them serious, make them anything you want them to be!!

I don't subscribe to the theory that hating something means that it has dominance over you, that it's "won". And while I try not to be that person who goes around saying "I hate diabetes!" with every breath, I wouldn't also say that I love it..yeah,it has some good points, but the fact is, I do hate it. I guess, for me,hating it makes me want to fight that much more to make sure it doesn't win. So here are ten of the things I hate about this disease...

1. I hate how, after coasting along (per Dexcom) at a nice, stable blood sugar all
evening, within twenty minutes of me falling asleep my liver commences to hard-core partying and dumping out glucose,spiking me to 250+ (which I don't wake up for until 4-6 hours after the fact). Wake up with a parched throat and not knowing what the heck just happened(pump failure? or just good 'ole Dawn Phenomenon?) This is a re-occuring theme, no matter what time I go to bed.(9,11 or 1)

2. I hate the little "wave" the Dexcom does all night,dipping either above or below the High/Low alert and going off every ten minutes...not great, when you just want to sleep. What's it taunting me to do, throw it in the drawer and ignore it?

3. I hate low blood sugars, and how they knock you out of commission (no matter how hard you're trying to act that they didn't).

4. I hate that I just can't exercise, without mathematical calculations on the order of a Phd.(and eating as many calories as Michael Phelp's) I'm pretty sure I'd exercise more, if it weren't for you.

5. I hate that I just can't jump in the car and go somewhere...I have too much "essential" stuff that must be packed.

6. I hate how many young,(and older) innocent lives you've claimed...it saddens me so much.

7. I hate that ignorance about you is so widespread,even among the medical community. How can we fight/prevent/cure something so misunderstood?

8. I hate getting Real Person Sick and watching the diabetes control go completely off the deep end. And I hate ketones. (though I have no problem with drinking vast amounts of Diet Coke, at any hour of the day or night.)

9. I hate the scars (from years of guillotine lancing devices)on my fingertips...I don't think my fingers are as sensitive as they should be,and I worry I won't be as good a nurse, because of it.

10. I hate how much it costs.(pure and simple) So much for trying to save money..even if you wanted to, things are always popping up that make it impossible to do so. I can think of much better ways to be spending it all.


Come back tomorrow, for a cheerier post.

#Dbloopers: The One that Never Was

Diabetes bloopers - Wednesday 5/11: Whether you or your loved one are newly diagnosed or have been dealing with diabetes for a while, you probably realize that things can (and will) go wrong. But sometimes the things that go wrong aren’t stressful - instead sometimes they are downright funny! Go ahead and share your Diabetes Blooper - your “I can’t believe I did that" moment - your big “D-oh” - and let’s all have a good laugh together!!

When I was a teenager, & still going to the pediatric diabetes clinic of Major University Hospital, I looked forward to receiving their periodic "progress reports" post appointment. These Reports would be mini-summaries of everything that had been reviewed at said appointment,and more importantly,would contain The A1c & of course I was dying to know that. It would always take them 3-5 weeks to get The Reports sent out.(hundreds of kids seen each in clinic,you can see why it took so long) There were no instant a1c analyzers in those days, & waiting(for it to show up in the mailbox) was a burden that had to be born.


So anyway, on that spring day in June(2001), when said report finally did arrive(1 month later), I ripped open the envelope in eagerness, wanting to see what my a1c(post pump-start) would be. I flipped to the last page, where "10.2" greeted me (in all it's glory).

"WhaaaaaaaaaTTT?" I muttered crossly, & pitched the paper to the floor. "No way!!!"

(I've had bad a1c's before,but nowhere close to 10+!)

Picked it back up, to see whatever "love notes"(such as,noncompliant teenager refuses to obey instructions) had been written about me.


Read.

Read some more.

Each report was completely anonymous, & written in the 3rd person...much like a medical record. (no names) But when I got to the 2nd page, & read "he" the lightbulb went off for me...this wasn't my report. They'd mixed mine up with someone else's. Thank goodness, because I sure didn't want to be the owner of that a1c.


So I picked up the phone,& called about it.


"Yes, we must have mixed it up. Can you please disregard it(too late,I've read it) and send it back to us...your a1c was 7.4."

"Oh yes,yes, yesssss! I got in The 7.5 Club!" I danced around the room,impervious to what the secretary was thinking about me(at that point in time) I didn't care, I was a D-Star!

The 7.5 club was all the people who had gotten under a 7.5, and their names(while not being inscribed in bronze, were still recorded in the quarterly diabetes magazine...and out of hundreds of patients, there were probably only 100 who made it in there. A select few were in there every time, & they were like the straight A students that annoy the stuffing out of you,they're so perfect) It was my goal in life to get into the 7.5 club...and I'd managed to do so before I had to move on from the pediatric clinic.(I was already too old,& needed to cut the ties before hitting 20) Thanks to pumping,I'd done it.(I would not get that low again in a long,long time)

So this wasn't my particular "D-Blooper," but it was the one that had the happiest ending.(I never loved a mistake MORE then I did at that moment,nothing like going from despair to euphoria in 2.5 seconds)

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A Letter To My 17-Year-Old Self

Letter writing day - Tuesday 5/10: In February the Wego Blog Carnival asked participants to write letters to their condition. You can write a letter to diabetes if you’d like, but we can also take it one step further. How about writing a letter to a fictional (or not so fictional) endocrinologist telling the doctor what you love (or not) about them. How about a letter to a pretend (or again, not so pretend) meter or pump company telling them of the device of your dreams? Maybe you’d like to write a letter to your child with diabetes. Or a letter from your adult self to the d-child you were. Whomever you choose as a recipient, today is the day to tell them what you are feeling.

Dear Self,

I'll cut right to the chase,you feel like your life has just come to a complete and irreversible end.Your eyesight is tanked,your chosen career path is now "off limits", and your new medical regimen feels like the cruelest,strictest imposition ever imposed. (you are a freak,who the heck has "snack time" at the age of 17?)Not to mention,you're still scared out of your mind whenever a "236" flashes across the screen of your monster Accucheck Advantage,envisioning all the complications it will bring.(those feelings will pass,you are not doomed to a certain death with bgs like that...sometimes,such numbers are unavoidable)

Those feelings will get better with time...& you will choose another career path,filled with the shoes of some of the finest individuals to walk this Earth.

Trust your gut,self. Doctors and CDE's will disappoint...they don't know it all.You're going to find out that while the management responsibility is largely yours alone, the burden needs to be shared.Strike that-MUST BE SHARED. Are you listening? Go out & scour the Internet,do what you have to do to get that support.(if nothing local) Because without it,you shall feel like the Worst PWD on Earth.(and very likely will have this confirmed by medical providers) You aren't that,self, no one is.You need to feel that you are not alone. You'll meet incredible role models(and 1 or two ax murderers/esses with diabetes, and you'll feel that you aren't so much the quirk of the town. Millions of PWD live with these challanges,all over the world.

You'll learn that "Diet" is not necessarily a four letter word and you'll learn to hate OJ and Kendall alcohol swabs,forever.

You'll stumble to find how diabetes can possibly fit in a romantic relationship and you'll learn that in the one that was meant to be,it was never an issue anyway.

You'll become an aunt(x 9) ,& you'll say goodbye to the only grandparent you ever knew.

You'll hear many,many lectures and you'll learn to tune them out(the ones inside your head/heart are not that easy to get rid of)

You'll have a few 600+ blood sugars,and you'll stare stupidly at the meter(having forgotten how to drive,you'll mainline 5 units to the gut & wait till you come down to 598 before magically,you can semi-remember enough to get home through the hyperglycemic haze)

You'll pass out,vomit on strangers,& ride in ambulances as both a patient and an EMT.

You'll total two cars and drive an $100,000 fire engine(murdering orange cones left AND right).

You'll participate on Jeopardy & jump off great heights on Fear Factor.(simulating skydiving).

You'll go to Europe and Hawaii & get more of a global perspective.

You'll vote in three Presidential elections & become forever a political junkie.

You'll finally enter nursing school...and feel a bit overdue when the youngest member of the class is ten years your junior.

You'll have other health issues...whether from crappy genetics or Murphy's Law,who knows.(they will put the diabetes in perspective)

You'll learn about the workings of the Health Care System...on both ends.

You'll learn that thinking about mortality,is not an issue to be put on the back burner for the later years.(as you come face to face with it on more then one occasion)

You'll throw your meter at the wall,gorge yourself on carbohydrates,leave your infusion set in for 15 days,& rebel against the powers that be...on more then one occasion. And at the end of the day,you will realize that the problems you perceive that diabetes has caused you are minuscule to the problems of trying to survive,in a 3rd World Country,without the means to treat it. Public mortification does not last forever.(& also,the Universe has it's own problems...& is not revolving around you) And while your at it,self,do something good for someone else every once in awhile.(it will also help lessen the crappyness of said disease) Plus,it's the Golden Rule.

To thine own self be true Self...always and forever.It's a good life,self,now go out & live it.

-An
Older You
(who still wants a cure,like,yesterday)

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#Dblog Week- You Say Potato, I Say Carb Bomb..

Admiring our differences - Monday 5/9: We are all diabetes bloggers, but we come from many different perspectives. Last year, Diabetes Blog Week opened my eyes to all of the different kinds of blogs (and bloggers) out there – Type 1s, Type 2s, LADAs, parents of kids with diabetes, spouses of adults with diabetes and so on. Today let’s talk about how great it is to learn from the perspectives of those unlike us! Have you learned new things from your T2 friends? Are D-Parents your heroes? Do LADA blogs give you insight to another diagnosis story? Do T1s who’ve lived well with diabetes since childhood give you hope? Pick a type of blogger who is different from you and tell us why they inspire you - why you admire them - why it’s great that we are all the same but different!!


Living with diabetes is difficult, on every level. Type 1's, Type 2's, Parents of Kids with diabetes, spouses...neither of these roles is easy. But,in my humble opinion,having diabetes is easier then having a child with diabetes. I read alot of inspirational blogs & I'm in awe of parents who manage 2,3 sets of diabetes(or even their own) while I can barely manage my own. They find the courage from their children(and within themselves).People like Meri and Trev and many, many others..they're just incredible. I mean, just being a parent is hard, much less of a kid with diabetes. They're also part of the few that really GET how hard diabetes really is. And even though I do not get how hard that is,(to be a parent of a CWD) I would say that it humbles me (and amazes me) that kind of selfless love.(one night of 4-5 hours of sleep does me in, much less constantly) Your children will thank you, one day. And even though there's ten million ways of "managing" diabetes (specific to the individual themselves),the way certain foods have a disastrous post-postprandial effect (upon the PWD's blood sugars) is just one example of the bonds that all (or most) of us share.(type 2, type 1, LADA, parent of CWD, spouse, etc.)


Viva la difference!

Countdown

I had a horrible night, a night(or rather,weekend) of nonstop horribly high blood glucoses. Most in the mid 300's,and the rest in the 200's. Changed pump setup,took five million injections...no impact. I know I have ketones,& quite frankly despite living off non-caloric liquids I still feel like if I started to vomit, I wouldn't stop. So,at 7:30 this morning, I switched to yet another vial...waiting to see if an injection of that actually did any good on my 298 blood sugar. It was like magic,an hour later I was 218 so I ate a very light snack,changed out,& bolused for that. Nerves were high anyway...it was the morning of Student Evaluations & we met at the Barnes & Noble (coffee nook)to get it done. I was number 5/7,so there was plenty of time to think the worst. So my clinical instructor told me my presentation grade(51/60,which was better then I thought) & her form on me as a whole(I need to talk more,which was kind of irritating,just because I don't run my mouth 24/7 it's some sort of character flaw?it's just not me,it doesn't mean I don't talk enough.I think I went above & beyond the call of duty in that regard) Told me I was very honest(which I take to be a good thing) & overall, I was a good student. So that went ok...all things considering. Blood Sugar post anxiety-trip was 176,& I promptly went out & stepped on the freshly-painted curb,smearing my tennis shoe in a bright yellow blob.(There were no signs,just some guy telling me after the fact what I'd just done.Lovely) Stomach still feels like a bundle of worms,& throat is still dry as the Sahara but I hope that at least I can get back to some semblance of control.(at least it's under 200)

Now to study for final exams.


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Thoughts from the Fifth and Sixth Week

1. I used to think that the idea of ME,non-conventionist of the D-world,becoming a CDE was absolutely never going to happen.How could I ever tell a patient something that 3/4 of the time I never did myself? And then, I got out into the real world & realized that I have the equivalent of a PhD in all things diabetes. I'm not just saying that,I've been pumped & primed & have been to 10 zillion research events(etc.) since Day 1. And while I may never be that Role Model, I have more then just book knowledge...I don't look at a patient & label them "noncompliant" even if there is something clearly going on. I look at them & see an internal battle to stay in control of something,& I see a medical professional that doesn't have the time or patience to delve into the mysteries of the diabetic psyche or what's really going on here.And I fume when I read the words "noncompliant" or "uncontrolled" when to boot,there's been no documentation of a visit with a mental health professional or a CDE.I guess the vast majority of docs/nurses will just never understand,there is so much more to diabetes then avoiding sugar/taking shots.Even type 2,(and how the Sam's Hill is it NIDDM when the patient does take Lantus at night?yeah,I'd say that insulin is required)most of them get shoddy or no education & it's no wonder ignorance/stupidity runs rampant all over the world. I may never be a CDE,but it is my responsibility to care/advocate for better D-care for my patient(when the occasion warrants it).There's just so much wrong that sometimes it feels like I'm just a speck of sand on the seashore,ignorance is going to be around long after I'm gone.

2. I came out of the D-Closet & confessed that yes,that it was my pump. It didn't kill me to do so.(& my two classmates aren't the D-Police)

3. 3/4 the class flunked the week before's (Monday's) exam,which made me feel better about the 82 I got...and thought was pretty bad. It was hard,but not that hard.(I've been a solid B in all four tests)

4.Last Clinical was last Wed. It was bittersweet, I'm not feeling ready to move on to the madness of the 2nd Semester. I know I have been babied/coddled in this one.
---------
1. Professor "Coordinator of the First Semester Yearlings" will be following us into the 2nd Semester. (to coordinate us there,too) I dunno,but I think it would be better to have all new teachers...& especially where her teaching is concerned. It's through, but it can get so dry and boring that you just want to run screaming from the room after 45 minutes.(much less 3 hours) She'll be teaching Obstetrics.
2. I didn't do well on my client presentation..it was too short by 2 minutes(I couldn't get my YouTube video working), the slide references weren't quoted right, and my nursing DX was all wrong. I dont know if I got the minimum 45/60 required points, but my fears of failing out of the course have been allayed somewhat as I am told that I only have to make 282 total points to pass( I'm at 225 right now). I can get up to 60 for the presentation,& up to 50 with the final exam. So I could totally fail this & still do well on the final, I have wiggle room.Thankful for that,because I don't want to repeat this thing!(the other two courses I got an A and B in but this is the main course,serving mortification & guts on a daily basis. Also,lots of $$'s.
3. In an unprecedented move of unexpected sweetness, one of the other students brought SF applesauce today. Yeah,SF does not equal carb free but it does equal less carbs...and applesauce is applesauce,fairly harmless on the gut. I was actually touched that she was thinking of me (when she made that decision for the whole group)
4. Tomorrow, we go to the Senior Center & see how the healthy older adult lives.(in contrast to the morbidly obese, COPD,nursing home inhabitants)
5.


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Uno de Mayo

I have nothing profound to say..absolutely nothing. An Endo appointment looms (larger then life, 2 pm sharp, tomorrow), diabetes is doing its own rollarcoaster ride from Rootabaga,and I'm up to my eyeballs in school stuff. There are no coherent thoughts left in my head. (or in the universe)

But, in these most trying of times,hope still lives on...for peace-loving people, everywhere. (and tyrants get what they deserve, although this conflict is far from over.)

The Night Bill Monroe Came to Town

Ronald Reagan was our president
A diet coke would run you twenty-five cent
I was just a kid, hair flaxen-brown
On the night Bill Monroe came to town.

The Golden Girls were reigning on tv
(Not that it was something I could see)
Bluegrass was the hit, the biggest sound
On the night Bill Monroe came to town.

Momma scrubbed my face, and packed us in the van
Yeah, we were all going-the whole entire clan
Once all the shoes and socks had all been found
On the night Bill Monroe came to town.

Five hundred people screaming in the gym
The passion in their voices no mere whim
To let it out, in yet another round
On the night Bill Monroe came to town.

On and on went Billy and his band
"Dark Hollow" "Feudin' Banjo's" "Freeborn Man"
We're getting up, we're getting wild, we're getting down
On the night Bill Monroe came to town.

Thronging fans besiged him, to get his autograph
That a little kid could get one, was more then crazy daft
From that mass of people hanging 'round
On the night Bill Monroe came to town.

Cheeks and arms and papers, all were signed and blessed
With the pen of Bill Monroe, his official scrawing crest
It was still a night of being quite profound
I won't forget the night he came to town.

Ten Years Pumping: A Pictorial Odyssey

On this date in history, my life changed, for the better.

(yes, it sounds cliche-ish, but its all true. I hated the imposed schedule of the 2-shot-a-day regimen. I was about 35 lbs overweight because all I ever did was feed the insulin.Pumping helped me to lose most of that.)













If I had to pick a favorite, well, I wouldn't. (they all have their good points, except perhaps that mid 80's Disetronic) But one thing I know, I don't think I'd ever go back to a Medtronic pump.(they & I had a major falling out,& I don't think much of their products.Your opinion may vary,& I respect that)I want to do a more detailed vlog about the differences.(when I have the time)

But today, is a day for cupcakes & ice cream, to celebrate the freedom that the pump brings.Diabetes is so much easier with a pump.

Thoughts From the 3rd-4th Week

1.One week,you're on top of the game-the next,you do something unspeakable (or non-HIPAA compatible) & on top of feeling horrible about it,you then get to tell your instructor,the shadowing Masters Degree student,& the RN charge nurse.(the patient is fine) You then get to fill out your very first Incident Report on why the thing you did was a bad idea & burst into tears,well,just because the situation is not awkward enough.Mistakes happen,I know that(it's the sheer amount of authority figures that sent me over the edge). Live & learn.(I haven't been kicked out of the program yet,so that's a positive.)

2. I got to see a cataract operation(video from a guest lecturing ophthalmologist) as well as ten zillion pictures of the Diabetic Eye. It was both fascinating and made me want to throw up,as it seems that the winning combination of diabetes,nearsightedness,cataract surgeries,strabismus surgery,and optic neuritis spells a
near certain dearth for my left eye.(glaucoma,retinal detachment,macular degeneration,pick your poison)I really would like to keep it 'round as long as possible.(renewed vow to get myself to the optho this summer) I think that the clouding on my L.lens has progressed,I don't see as well at night(it seems to have really gone to town in the past 2 years...is it something about that 10 year post-surgeries mark? I think lasaring is in the cards for the near future which is kind of scary to think about. I hope it doesn't A.hurt or B. have any other visual side effects.I've known the day would come that I'd need lasar,it's just hard to remain calm when its an eye(s) you're talking about.

3.150 years ago last week,the Civil War began. iTunes has an incredible app called The Civil War Today which gives you a daily update through the 4 years of war. (it's an iPad app though) It's in newspaper format,& has video clips,journal accounts,quotes,trivia,photographs, etc. & really makes it come alive...it's a pretty cool app.If you love history and have an iPad,I suggest you check it out!

4.Cancelled my Endo appt,rescheduled for May 3.Hopefully my a1c won't be so off-the-charts high by then.

5. Freestyle strips without the Butterfly are becoming next to impossible to try and find. The bad thing is,both kinds have the same UPC so it's impossible for a pharmacy to know what they're getting.It's largely hit & miss trying to obtain any.(at all)
---------------------------
1.In the Event of a Fire Alarm,make darn sure you grab your meter & sugar,because you won't get back in that building for a good 45 minutes. This is not a time to go low.
2. Working in a nursing home is like working in the psych ward..one day everything is "normal", the next, the patient is wheeling all over the cafeteria,& attempting to slug you when you try to prevent disaster from occurring. (while the rest of the population looks on) I guess it's not that bad when the patient is not physically capable of hurting anything,but it was just so,so,so bizarre & the Easter Bunny was not exactly helping me in what I was expected to do in said situation.(me & Easter Bunny in room full of patients,& I couldn't leave because I was monitoring somebody else) HELPPP.(just about ready to be committed to a mental institution myself,I was not supposed to be monitoring the whole entire room) Next time, a little help, Easter Bunny?
3. Forget tiredness, I've progressed to dead. But next week,there is no homework/care plans due(Monday,Test 4) and Wed/Thurs we'll be caring for two patients EACH & then,that's the end to clinicals. Following week,we have our big Patient Presentations & the week after that,evaluations & the cumulative Final Exam and the big Nursing Convocation Dept. "party" and then it's all done! (time flies when you're having fun) I need it to be summer.
4. You may cross "morbidly obese patients" and "chemo/radiation patients" off the list of future career choices.Someone needs to do it,it just won't be me. I can't even find a pulse(anywhere) let alone formulate a good plan. I feel like whatever skills I may have acquired up to this point have not gotten me really far (in terms of a morbidly obese individual)
5.One week & 12 hours till the royal wedding! (I'm sure you're all just dying NOT to know)

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YouTube: A Royal Wedding

Love this clip...(and yes, I will be waking up at 5 AM (April 29) to watch the real thing!)

Circle of Trust

Trust. It's a tricky thing,and for a PWD,the question of ultimate trust boils down to a little red box.



In 12 years, I had only asked the question of ultimate trust one time (to a non-family member-family members have given me some,& my husband does know how to give one) It was directed to my then-EMT boyfriend(my blood sugar was under 10 mg/dl, & I was hysterically convinced that I would soon die) and he said no.Who knows why...nerves,perhaps.Or the legality of the situation.It did not matter,I was both annoyed(to the nth degree) and scared & crushed,that question of trust had been thrown back into my face & ultimately,that helped in the breakup.If you cannot trust someone completely,you have no business being together.(and I used to be an EMT & in my section of the universe,heck yes they give them.I know he knew how)

So when I asked my clinical instructor if she would be willing to administer "the shot", it was with a great deal of fear & trepidation. She said yes.(she's an ER nurse,heck yeah she knows what to do in an emergency) I ran through the basics,& what I'd be like(in such a situation). But then a dept wide email circulated RE school policy in such a situation & it was advised just to call 911,not to get involved.

Crushed,that's what I was. I dunno why it feels so important that I have someone on my side,but it felt like that trust I'd just given out for the 2nd time in 12.5 years didn't mean squat,again.Of course my clinical instructor was sympathetic but she couldn't go against dept policy. So back I went to talk to the dept head,& she said in actuality,the instructor could do as they wished-call 911 or give the shot/call 911,the schools liability insurance would cover either way. I wouldn't ever sue but there is liability insurance for everything,these days.

I am relieved..so,so relieved. I thought the school really didn't care if I lived or died,& I don't have the attitude that it's anyone's responsibility to do this..only someone I think would care enough to do so. When my clinical instructor said sure,I thought that to be the case.(she's pretty great) I have worked a retail job & in 7.5 years,never trusted anyone there (even good friends) with that burden.(said person has to be somewhat knowledgeable about medical matters) I think part of the deal here lately has to do with the lability of my blood sugars,& my desire to stay closer to 100 then to the 250's of yesteryears. A blood sugar monitor is also not always handy..like it was at my old job. You can't very well crack the meter open in the middle of a procedure.(plus you have to wash your hands a billion times a day)

I hope to never need it(on the job)but it's so wonderful to have that piece of mind.(Bgs have been all over the map lately & it may come to pass,that I need one) I need to feel safe,& more then anything else,this decision has greatly influenced that. I don't think I'm going to be having this conversation with all my clinical professors but in this rotation,I never needed that reassurance more.(nursing home in the middle of nowhere)

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