Change

Twenty dollars and eight-four cents.

That's the cost of diabetes on a daily, preventative basis.(supplies, low treatments, etc,ballpark figure for me...)

I got this bottle in January, as part of our church's fund drive to assist a pregnancy center. Coming off a raw recent emotional high of that very subject I wasn't sure if I could look at it without bawling so I put my spare change in another jar and planned to transfer it to the bottle when the time came.

But something happened in a month and a half. The bottle came to mean more then what could have been. It came to represent what can be.(maybe there's a chance for even me)

Change. I can change, I can do battle with my a1c to knock it down under 7. I can drag myself to the gym on a regular basis, I can stop inhaling junk food for breakfast/lunch/and supper and make it more of the exception, rather then the rule. Its still hard but when I look at that baby bottle sitting on my dresser I'm reminded that it's oh-so-worth-it. I couldn't give up that bottle now for anything, I wrote a check to the pregnancy center. They helped me without even knowing they did so.

It's not to large a price to pay for the rest of one's life...change can be a good thing. Every bit helps.

Choices

When I was a young 'un with diabetes, each and every blood sugar test was an occasion for a complete stress-a-thon. Usually a parent would be watching, and I'd pray that God(or the diabetes gods, whichever one you believe in)would send down a number that would not put my parents in complete freak-out mode. Every number was carved in black and white granite..black with death or white for bright and shiny. In the 45 seconds it took for the number to pop up on Monster Meter I got pretty nervous.

Now I'm older, and wiser- I realize that it's all relative. (unfortunately, I haven't yet convinced myself that this also applies to A1cs.) I've still seeking perfection. Every morning, I have a habit of picking out a different perfume scent for the day(because I am a Bath & Body Works addict and love 'em all)


and similar to that, you've got to pick out the right management for your D that day. Type A personality is not going to get you too far with this highly imperfect disease. You've got to learn to adjust, and adapt, and realize that the awesome control you get when healthy and running marathons is not going to be your lot when you're sick, in pain, and doing your best just to stay afloat. Every day you've got a different sort of D to deal with, and though you may prefer the sweet Rose like lull of a uneventful day, its likely going to be the rough and rocky Water Deep or Trouble. (from my retail days, I'd say that I've smelled most of the perfumes and colognes out there)

Because

Because we seek control, we mutilate our fingers 10 or more(or less) times a day and insert sharp objects into our skin to deliver medication. This may be the 21st century, so is still so much that is archaic about this disease. (like peeing on a test strip)

Because we seek control, a "perfect pregnancy" not only exists, it must exist. The challenges of a normal pregnancy with all the fun of diabetes thrown in. Mentally worrying over every high; every slip up is not only bad for you, its potentially disastrous to the little one you're carrying.

Because we seek control, yearly visits to the eye doc to have painful dilation drops and(potentially) lasers beaming up the the bad vessels in our eyes is the gold standard of good care.

Because we seek control, our exercise routines consist of eating twice as many calories as we burn off, in the attempt to prevent low blood sugars.(or treating them)

Because we seek control, we're up at 3 AM, dealing with a high or low blood sugar.

Because we seek control, a new pair of shoes is judged mainly on it's ability to not cause calluses/infection/subsequent amputations, not it's visible appeal.

Because we seek control, a hospitalization is not the time to turn over your D-care to the experts because most of the time, the experts know even less then you and you'll be even sicker if you did it their way.(Except if your endo is on staff and even then they ignore her orders)

Because we seek control, the "stackable" bolus that we took at 10,12, and 2 has just now hit the fan and we're tanking like a rock and have to start eating again.

Because we seek control, we trust our lives to a liquid that loses potency out of a very delicate temperature range. Freeze or bake, (it's toast) you're toast.

Because we seek control, exercise is twice as important to us then to the non-diabetic. Keeping the bg down, keeping the heart healthy- heart disease is the highest morbidity for the D and you don't have to be old to have a heart attack. You just have to be D.(according to the medical profession)

Because we seek control, we're forced to ride out huge chunks of time in the 80-100 mg/dl spot and be as cranky as heck that we can't overeat and end this feeling of hyponess. Or at least I do. Not that it isn't an excellent bg range, its just when you're used to much higher it makes you feel fairly irratable.

Because we seek control, we drive great distances in search of the perfect endocrinologist.

Because we seek control, denial isn't just a River in Egypt- it's a one-way ticket to Complications City.

Because we seek control, we spend hours of our free time glued to the internet in search of information and support.

Because we seek control, we're a little OCD about the type of meter we use and if it's not the right kind we don't really "trust" it.

Because we seek control, it's not just physical control we must achieve, it's also mental. Not responding in anger to the idiot who asks "Should you be eating that?" is often difficult, if not impossible. Unfortunately, it is an occurrence that will repeat itself thousands of times throughout the life of a PWD and one that you'd suppose you'd eventually get used to and a pro at handling.

Because we seek control, no a1c is truly low enough and if you're over 8, you'd rather not discuss it, especially if the rest of the blog-o-sphere is under 7.

Because we seek control, we chose salad over fries-making the choice not only for ourselves but for the loved ones who want us around a little longer.

Because we seek control, we realize that the state of medical care available today is abysmal for many people and something had better change or we'll all end up with type 2 diabetes, complications galore, and no one to care for anybody.

Because we seek control, sometimes we have to ditch the books(and the subsequent studying for the horrendous test the next day) to go the pump club meeting. We need to know that we are not alone.

Because we seek control, we realize that perfect control really doesn't exist + all we can do is our best. To live, to laugh, and to love-to stick it to the D. Whatever your philosophy, life is a journey, realizing that the D is part of it but not all of it and not something that should own you.