Wordless Wednesday: Growing

A Few Good T-Cells

Many people with diabetes (myself included) fight the continual auto-immune wars.

Yes, we're hot (autoimmune) messes. Type 1 diabetes, celiac disease,thyroid
disorders,etc.etc.etc.



I imagine my thyroid cells like champions of yore (perhaps the Spartans and their Battle of
Thermopolae) , defending that pass, down to the last cell. Or perhaps those
t-cells that currently do
battle against my thyroid aren't of the same caliber/brutality as the ones that
finished off my islets. For my thyroid has been dealing with this onslought for
about 14 years now...concurrently with my diagnosis of type 1 diabetes. I've been
off/on Synthroid several times,pregnancy tends to increase the "needing help"
factor,but it keeps a lickin' and keeps on ticken.' My Endo (very much the thyroid
person, she is convinced all T1's are headed for being messed up in that dept.)
keeps watch over it with a wary eye...it's anyone's guess when it will die for
good.) I'm not really worried about it,when it happens, it happens,and its probably
the easiest organ function to self-regulate.(pop a daily pill)


Family Fun Fact: there's an additional autoimmune disease prevalient in my family.
Rheumatoid Arthritis is it's name, and both my Grandma and Mom had/have it.
It's a very genetic disease, and much as I don't like to think about it,it's
probably coming for me. Now that I've A. passed 30 B. survived pregnancy, for the
past couple of months my joints have been stiff/hurting. Ignoring it/doing more
exercises/self-medicating/etc. hasn't really improved the situation, so I went to my
doctor for some screening bloodwork (and checking for anything else, like Lyme
disease). Most of the time it shows up after kids (like 40+), but I think that it'll
probably go after me early(given that I don't intend to have 6 kids and spend the
majority of my 30's pregnant). Pregnancy is a state of immuno-comprimisation, so
that's why I think whatever's going on has waited till now to strike. If I do have
another auto-immune disease,it's going to be tough to deal with(LEAVE ME ALONE,
DISEASE). Diabetes is one of those things that you hope you can live a semi-healthy
long life with,but there's not much comfortable about a progressively debilitating
disease. (Plan B: go ahead and have six kids so that they can take care of me when
I'm too arthritic to care for myself & my husband, being 13 years older then me, may
not still be alive)

I really, really, hope I'm wrong,even Lyme disease sounds like a good alternative.
(easily treatable, end of situation)

The Girl in the Plastic Bubble*

(this is as bubble-ish as I can get us. I'm not a Photo-Shop Pro)


Sometimes it feels like we live our lives in a plastic bubble.


"Don't eat that."

"Exercise."

"Don't live alone."

"Keep your a1c under 6.5, and your risk of complications will be seriously decreased."

"Be sure to floss/brush/get regular checkups/never cut your toenails yourself/don't go barefoot/don't procreate without permission/don't drink more then 2 drinks/blahblahblahblahblah..."

That list goes on. We are, in the eyes of the media, healthcare profession, and the general public...a fragile species,that needs to be sheltered from the big bad world. (that will kill us) Our plastic bubble (of rules and regulations) will keep us safe.


But the thing about plastic bubbles is, you can't stay in them forever. Just like John Travolta's character had the yearning to rebel & go live life on his own terms,(regardless of how scary that was) we have to let diabetes conform to our lives...not the other way around. We can't live in a hospital (above and beyond the fact that you'd not be living very long in there anyway, with the rate of iatragenic infections) and reciting of the mantra "What would my Endo Do?" (in said situation)doesn't always jive with what we want. You've got to balance life with diabetes & keep on keeping on.

Run marathons.


Have babies.


Go be a world-class surgeon. (or firefighter, chef, Indy race car driver, etc.)


I am not a girl in a plastic bubble. I am not "fragile", to be lumped in with a million other PWD you may have come in contact with. I am unique,
on my own journey & not about to take the opinion of your brother's girlfriend's mom's first cousin-once-removed opinion about my disease. And till the day I die, I won't be defined by the lack of a functioning organ.


*(If you've ever seen the movie "The Boy in the Plastic Bubble"...(starring John Travolta)you'll have caught the reference.)

Confessions of a Diabetic Mommy: The Top Eleven

#1 My child is witness to the sprouters, sprayers, gushers, finger pricks, pod changes, dexcom changes,and simeraly gory D-Acts 24 hours a day, seven days a week. At this age it shouldn't be upsetting,but I don't know, I'm probably scarring him for life (and setting him up for many future therapy sessions). I know toddlers definetly don't like seeing blood(I once checked my blood sugar while baby-sitting one and she started screaming, at top volume). He just smiles, and enjoys looking at his momma (probably the only time in his life he'll enjoy doing so).


#2 Our first family vacation will be a Diabetes Conference. (and likely many more) How utterly geek-y and appearingly not-fun is that? (it is actually very fun, but a normal person would probably pity the poor little soul) It's Orlando, it's summer...so there's not just the conference going on.(although he's rather too young to do anything this go-around)


#3 Sometimes, when I'm especially sleep deprived,(or low) I'll ask him "Are we low?", drink a juice box, feed him, and go back to bed. Low=cranky=feed both of us, in my mixed up brain. And if I'm not low, I'll wake up later with a high bg. (he isn't D, or hypoglycemic,and I'm very grateful for that)

#4 Sometimes (when I'm low) I'll drink the juicebox while he screams to be fed...and feel like the world's worst mom. (Dear Passersby: there's a reason I'm staring blankly at my screaming child, I swear there is. Don't judge unless you've been there)


#5 Test strip bottles make excellent rattles.


#6 Pod-y and Dexcom sensors are very tempting to little fingers. (which like to yank and grab anything and everything)They don't get anywhere near his mouth, however.

#7 I still leave test strips at random spots around the house..I need to d-proof the place, before he starts to crawl. (don't want him to be eating test strips!)

#8 Most of his friends will probably be connected to the DOC/D-World (in one way or the other). Eh. (not bad..just weird)

#9 He loves looking at my lighted Dexcom graph...and pretty much anything else with a light.

#10 I've already dipstick-checked several of his super-saturated diapers for ketones/glucose. Neurotic mother that I am, if he is going to get diabetes,I'd rather be knowing sooner rather then later. No, his kidneys just work well (and its summertime). I will not do anything invasive,& I'm not going to make his childhood unlivable, I'm going to let him be a kid. (and I'm also not going to do the Trial Net Study, because that would be even worse)But I am going to be vigilant for the signs.(should they occur,knock wood that they never do)

#11 I've wondered if a PWD had a low while locked in a room with nothing but a breast pump and a glucose meter,could they drink the breast milk (or would the act of extracting it make them even lower) Milk really doesn't have enough carbs to raise one quick enough,but its a rather fascinating concept...that you could save your own life.


I hope we don't screw up our child too badly.

Black

I cannot sleep tonight. That lump of coal,formerly known as my stomach,pitches & rolls like a ship on the high seas. The D-gods are angry,& the skies above are pitch black...interspersed with the ketone strikes of lightening.(coincedentily, so is the weather outside) And Diabetes laughs at my puny attempts at "control."

241. Probably have ketones,but improved over 12 hours ago, as my blood sugar went from 155 to 600+ in a matter of hours. (I'd eaten the routine breakfast of oatmeal & bolused appropriately) But it was a new pod,& not a good one,as I very shortly found out. Being greeted by that HIGH was a freak-out moment of epic proportions,the last time I've had one of those had been at least 6 years. I took a shot,& rechecked an hour later. Still high. I do not know what to do with a number I can't see,so I packed up the Bairn & we went to the ER,which resulted in a 525 bg at triage(I felt stupid,as I was obviously coming down). Cue stomachache. Blood sugar dropped to 404 by time of being seen,IV fluids & Zofran & 10 units later was 202 & discharged with orders to call Endo. tomorrow.(not in DKA)(Wee Bairns dad picked him up & took home,many hours before.Wee Bairn thought it was a very interesting place & charmed everyone he came in contact with.)

I need Zofran,& I need a listening ear(on my blood sugars) & a shoulder to cry on,words can't express how much I hate diabetes right now.It sucks.

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Dblog Week: Hero (II)

Once upon a morning dreary
As I woke up, dragging wearily
Diet Coke was there-for me
And life was all that it should be.

It's not easy having D
Even worse to live with me
Diabetes ups and downs
Tic Tacs,wrappers, Almond Mounds.

Have I ever said that you're my hero?
Crazy, crazy, stupid lows
The one whose arms still hold me tight
Through my blurry, shaky sight.

Bills that stack upon the chair
Frequent doctors, frequent care
There is no break, there is no cure
The way things are, is how they were.

Truly on this ride called life
The highs and lows, the joys and strife
Interwoven with disease
Nothing really comes with ease.

To my wonderful type 3
I pledge to (try to) keep my a1c
Against it's bad effects assuaged
Well preserved,into old age.

Have I ever said that you're my hero
The only one who loves me so
You're everything sweet at 60 mg/dl
As I'm scarfing sugar pills.

(to the hero's in your life...make sure you appreciate them!)

Dblog Week: Saturday Snapshots

Back for the third year, let’s show everyone what life with diabetes looks like! With a nod
to the Diabetes 365 project, let’s grab our cameras again and share some more d-related pictures.
Post as many or as few as you’d like. Feel free to blog your thoughts on or explanations of your pictures,
or leave out the written words and let the pictures speak for themselves.

Coasters.

I don't need no stinkin' control.

Mama, I think you're low.

But sometimes the stars aline.

A better day.

A Rattle!

We CAN eat these.

The Back-up Plan.

Stockpiled.

Yes, it does.

Screen of Death.

Mac-Gyvered.

Can I get a repeat? (on the last 24 hours)

Fondly dubbed "The Cockroach" by my loving spouse.

I love to bungee-jump.

A day in the life.

(don't leave home without it!!)

Dblog Week: I Want You to Know

Today let’s borrow a topic from a #dsma chat held last September. The tweet asked “What is one thing you would tell someone that doesn’t have diabetes about living with diabetes?”. Let’s do a little advocating and post what we wish people knew about diabetes. Have more than one thing you wish people knew? Go ahead and tell us everything.

Diabetes isn't about the destination, it's about the journey. And that journey just happens to coincide with this little thing called life.

It's there when I roll out of bed in the morning.

It's there when I'm running errands.

It's there when we're out with friends at an all-you-can-eat buffet.

It's there when my car breaks down on the highway & I'm down to my last test strip & I haven't eaten in who knows
how long.

It's there on your wedding day.

It's there when you're in labor,and that jello you ate just came back up.

It's there for a big test, a first kiss, a broken heart.

It never goes away. And it never takes a break. And like the wind, it blows wild and free...it does not like containment or predictability & will come back to smack you in the rear each and every chance it gets.

I've lived with it for 13+ years,and I don't know everything. I'll continue to learn and adapt till my dying day, which hopefully won't be because of diabetes, but I can't say for sure that it won't be. Because with this disease,even if you think you have it "controlled", just one bad series of events can kill you. The flu. A bad hypoglycemic event. Running out of supplies in the middle of nowhere.

So if you do have someone in your life with diabetes,I would encourage you to try and be more understanding & supportive. Diabetes is not a "just do this and you'll be fine" disease. It takes a toll, both mentally and physically. No one has diabetes "figured out"...not your doctor, not the diabetes gurus, & not you.(or me) Your diabetes is not my diabetes, and we must manage it different ways..due to the circumstances in our lives. But one thing I know,diabetes should fit into one's life, not the other way around.

Dblog Week: My Dream Device

Today let’s tackle an idea inspired by Bennet of Your Diabetes May Vary. Tell us what your Fantasy Diabetes Device would be? Think of your dream blood glucose checker, delivery system for insulin or other meds, magic carb counter, etc etc etc. The sky is the limit – what would you love to see?





As I closed my eyes,preparing to immerse myself in the deliciousness you see above you, my brain was busy SWAG'ng & calculating & attempting to pull off a decent blood sugar 2 hours out. And then I thought: how great would it be if I had a machine that could magically tell me the carb count of any food on the planet...& how units of insulin(square,dual & over what time frame) I should mainline to pull off that magical straight line on my Dexcom? I'd call it the "Carbomatic". So much of diabetes control is 100% centered around carbs.(& knowing them is half the battle) It might sound like some sort of Artificial pancreas, but diabetes encompasses carbs,exercise,meds,stress,etc...not just carbs. I would love a machine that would figure out my meals for me...the readout would look something like this:

Spaghetti: 66 carbs
You can bolus 6.6 units,5.5 now & 1.1 over 30 minutes
At 1800 hours soothe your screaming baby for 30 minutes or do 15 minutes
Of vigorous walking
Check blood sugars again at 1900 hours.

Because I can be really bad at guessing the carbs in foods,even though I have the basics down it would be nice if it were less of a guessing game.(ah,the joys of playing Russian Roullette with your health)



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Dblog Week: Let's Do It

Yesterday we gave ourselves and our loved ones a big pat on the back for one thing we are great at. Today let’s look at the flip-side. We probably all have one thing we could try to do better. Why not make today the day we start working on it. No judgments, no scolding, just sharing one small thing we can improve so the DOC can cheer us on!

What can I possibly do better with, as it pertains to my diabetes care? Well, there's a never ending list in that regard...but the #1 shortcoming (and the major contributor to my higher a1c) is my propensity to slightly underbolus food. Sometimes a little, sometimes alot. It has its roots in my past experiences of some pretty horrible hypos, some of which would go on all day (and I would require very little insulin or none at all for that day). When 0.1 units of insulin drops you a whopping 90 points (like it did one time),you tend to develop some insulin-phobia. This really doesn't happen anymore,but I still get times when I'm extremely sensitive to insulin. I realize this is an irrational fear, because most of the time that bolus is precisely what I needed to take but you can't always convince yourself of those things. And it drove my Endo very, very up the wall. (over the course of my pregnancy) ("140 is too high. YOU NEED TO TAKE THE WHOLE BOLUS AND BE UNDER 100.") It's also because I never stay 80, I always drop to 50 and have to treat the resulting low. Nowadays, even 180 sounds just fine to me.(treating lows are a major pain in my already busy schedule)

I guess I could compromise with a "to aim for" range of 120-160. (and go back to pre-bolusing) I don't need perfection,but if I take that bolus as I'm supposed to (and check after, to catch any impending lows) it really will result in better control. But as any with mental issue, it's a lot easier said then done. (changing years of hardwired behavior takes professional help, sometimes)

Diabetes Blog Week- One Great Thing

Today's Topic:

Living with diabetes (or caring for someone who lives with it) sure does take a lot of work, and it’s easy to be hard on ourselves if we aren’t “perfect”. But today it’s time to give ourselves some much deserved credit. Tell us about just one diabetes thing you (or your loved one) does spectacularly! Fasting blood sugar checks, oral meds sorted and ready, something always on hand to treat a low, or anything that you do for diabetes. Nothing is too big or too small to celebrate doing well!

(photo courtesy of Flikr-LilyWhitesParty, Creative Commons. Mine is probably twice as big, and 3x as stuffed)

Be Prepared. -Boy Scout Motto


If there's one thing I've learned, in my 13+ years of living with diabetes, is that there is no such thing as being over-prepared (for every possible scenario diabetes can throw at you). It was a lesson learned by flirting with disaster on several occasions,& it has made me into a person who can't just hop into the car with a light little handbag containing the bare essentials.No, I must come prepared for the possibility of Armegeddon (with the handbag containing the following(at the bare minimum):

-2 juice boxes
-roll of glucose tabs/smarties
-PDM (blood glucose meter) case/lancing device
-spare POD, insulin vial/syringe
- 2 or 3 additional test strip vials
- Wallet/cash/change(if I do need to get something else)
-a can of diet coke
-gum
- granola bar, crackers
- cellphone
- earbuds
- water bottle
-coupon organizer
-tube of lotion
-tube of hand sanitizer
-chapstick
- Kleenex
- sometimes my E-reader
-reading glasses
-sunglasses
-various and assorted papers
-medications

As you can imagine, this can get quite heavy to lug around but there is a security in having the stuff with me.(as well as having the honor of being the go-to person that everyone asks for "stuff" that they've forgotten) Even a nasty low can be knocked back into submission without the aid of glucagon, etc. (some of the other stuff is just common sense,such as the extra D-supplies (because if an infusion set or pod can fail, it will fail) One should be prepared for at least several days (D-wise), in my opinion. I don't live in the middle of nowhere (this area is very well populated) but the traffic jams make getting around quite a headache. (at times)

Now I just need to extend that organization to other areas of my life. (like the mess in the basement...sigh)

Dblog Week: A Blog,Bookmarked

It's the 3rd Annual Dblog Week, and as much as I don't care for the new Blogger layout, I can't imagine not participating in this. (I enjoy it that much) Please bear with my horrendous slapped-together-posts. (I blame Blogger plus being on a Mac) I really appreciate Karen putting this all together...it's nice to read other's perspectives,& to put forth my own.


Today's Topic: Find A Friend - Monday 5/14 Link List.
It seems the most popular thing about Diabetes Blog Week is that it helps us find blogs we weren’t reading yet and connect with some new blog friends. With that in mind, let’s kick off Diabetes Blog Week by making some new connections. Think about the d-blogs you read that you think we may not know about and introduce us to one that you love!! Let’s all find a new friend today! (Special thanks to Gina, everybody’s Diabetes BFF, for helping me title this post!)


Ever since discovering it on Six Until Me, I've enjoyed reading BigFoot Child Have Diabetes a blog by a parent of a CWD. It's a different writing style then the traditional blog and the author is hilarious.(I don't read it first thing in the morning, lest I shoot Diet Coke out my nose as I'm feeding the baby)I encourage you to add it to your blog feed (if you haven't already). It puts some humor in my day.


And on that note, you can now see why I'm not the person to pick if you need a glowing eulogy, recommendation, etc. Gushing is not my thing. What I have to say, I'll say once (twice if the situation merits it) and beyond that,I don't think it needs repeating ad nauseum. (quality speaks for itself)It really is a great blog though.


(come back tomorrow for a blog post that isn't quite so pathetic as today's has been)

He Calls Me "Goo-Gah"

And being his mommy is my highest privilege.

Mr. Hypo is (not) Your Friend: A D-Myth, Debunked

If you were dx'd back in the 60's or 70's, you may have had this charming little book entitled "Mr. Hypo is my Friend." It was meant for kids, to get them comfortable with the idea of having very large non-disposable needles inserted into their skin (on a daily basis). Back then, it was no small ordeal (especially for a child). Those needles were called "hypodermic syringes" (hence the title of the book). Unfortuently, I couldn't find any images of said book. (they still might be out there though)Back then, lows were generally referred to as "reactions" (and not so much hypos)...and warm & fuzzy word associations with the idea of a "hypo(dermic) device" were better tolerated. (I don't know of anyone who "loves" having a low blood sugar)

I'm here to tell you that Mr. Hypo, in 2012, is no longer your friend. Hasn't been, for a long time. Mr. Hypo (these days) associates with juice boxes, glucose tabs, hastily scarfed Skittles in the middle of a Target check-out lane, little red glucagon kits, ambulance rides, IV bags of D50, and horrendous hospital bills. And sometimes Mr. Hypo flat-out kills you. It's very sad but it happens, repeatedly, all over the country and the world (sometimes despite every precaution you take to prevent it). It will continue to happen, unless there's a cure for this disease. Yesterday afternoon was my first endocrinologist appt. since December. Going into it, I didn't expect anything great from my a1c...babies have a way of turning diabetes into an afterthought. Regardless, I was just going to bite the bullet & attempt to get back on track. (I also haven't changed my basal rate in two months) I got checked in, weighed/blood pressured/pulsed/bg/a1c'd (with the assistant) as usual, and then a new nurse showed u & confiscated my PDM for download. (this is a new thing...I've always brought in paper logs or if I needed in-depth anylization had to go upstairs to the CDE's office) Interesting. My Endo strongly dislikes the Omnipod reports though so I still brought my handwritten paper logs in (to provide clarification on some points). In marches my Endo,exchange of pleasantries,& we talk about the birth (etc.) and she tells me my a1c (8.1). Expressionless, I deadpan "Oh, yay." (unfortuently, she has no sense of humor & I have to explain that I'm being sarcastic. I'm not really glad that my a1c has gone up so much,but not surprised.) I think she was a bit surprised that my baby wasn't 10 lbs, that his weight was normal. She said I'd know (more) what to expect for the next time & that rather sent strong shivers up my spine.(if there is a next time, its not going to be for several years, if I have anything to do with it) And that's true...I had no control over when the baby was born, but I'd have tried harder (those last few weeks especially) to keep a tighter bg range and B. keep them in till 40 weeks. (if possible) Because my baby could have used that extra week, to get regulating his body temp. down better. Anyway, she made a few tweeks to my basal rate & we talked about starting fenugreek to up my milk production. Fenugreek has some lovely side effects(makes you smell like maple syrup (slap a pancake on me & I'd be appealing enough to eat) and can cause hypoglycemia)but at this point,I've got to do something drastic before it dissapears for good.I want to do the best for my child,and though I know formula feeding isn't the end of the world, breast milk is superior. (no doubt about that) As for it causing hypos, it's like anything else...YMMV. I've been on things in the past that did the same thing (Symlin, Alpha Lipoic Acid) Just gotta monitor frequently. (and put my Dexcom back on...the more safeguards I have, the better) Mr. Hypo is not anyone's friend, but if I'm going to have a better a1c I'm going to have to be getting more of them.

The Mom Files: Guilt 101

As I lay in bed last night,attempting to catch a few winks before the next feeding,it suddenly occurred to me why I strongly disliked the experience of being pregnant.

I never felt like I was creating a life as much as I did that I was destroying one.

And there,in a nutshell, was 38.5 weeks...the whole deal. It wasn't the heartburn,nausea,sciatica,45 lb weight gain, random migraines,shortness of breath,inability to bend over,15 daily trips to the restroom, finger & toe swelling...or the diabetes angle(12+ daily checks,tripled insulin daily dose,skating the edge of constant hypos,1-2 x/week doctor appointments,1-2x/week emailing blood sugar logs)...or the giving up of alcohol,lunch meat,soft cheeses,any painkiller not beginning with a T,hotdogs,80% of daily Diet Coke intake,caffeine....exercise,any truly comfortable sleeping position( I don't remember the last time I slept for 7 straight hours).And that is a relatively "good" uncomplicated pregnancy. (What it would be like to be bed-bound the entire time I just can't imagine) But even that isn't that much of an issue, if you are fairly certain your kid will turn out ok. I never had that assurance,& for the entire pregnancy it was shoved in my face that if something happened,if anything happened,it was probably due to my sub-par a1c. That is why I didn't enjoy my pregnancy..the overwhelming guilt about everything, 24 hours a day. The fact that my baby doesn't seem to have any residual ill effects is nothing short of a miracle(& boy,do I know it..at no point during my pregnancy did I have an acceptable a1c. Better,yes,but not good.)
This much I know, feeling like you are hurting another human being is the worst feeling ever( I know it's not my fault,& that's just the nature of the disease to fluctuate). And post-pregnancy,it just leaves you really ticked off at the disease(even with excellent control,some babies still have low bgs..& the temperature issues were not due to the diabetes but still I'm ticked off at it) Just gotta get all this out...it's the rantings of someone who still can't quite believe what it was actually like.


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A Baby Lullaby

Hush, Little Baby, don't you cry
Daddy's gonna buy you a diamond studded rattle
If that rattle goes and gets stolen
Daddy's gonna pay for your entire private school education
If that education leads to being bored
Daddy's gonna buy you a Nintendo Wii
If that Wii doesn't get you sufficient exercise
Daddy's gonna buy you a BMX
If that BMX results in a broken leg
Daddy's gonna buy you a $15,000 surgery
If that surgery is sucessful
Daddy's gonna buy you a Mercedes Bentz.
If that Mercedez Bentz leads to jail
Daddy's gonna spring & pay your bail.
If, by then, you have a gal
Daddy's gonna pay for the wedding
If that marriage produces kids
Daddy's gonna lose what remaining hairs he has.
(Daddy will also have zero of an estate to bestow)

Kids are expensive,even if one isn't a millionaire...which we're not.(FTR) First kid's always get somewhat spoiled anyway,just by virtue of being the first.

The Check Up

So I went to my 6 week OB-GYN follow up today...while my mom babysat for me. Maneuvering the heavy infant carrier & a diaper bag etc. over a 1/2 mile of hospital terrain,etc. is not a feat I'm up to quite yet. And I was 15 min.late, which means that they couldn't fit me into their jampacked schedule for another hour. Since I've now reached the (advanced)age of 30(seriously,they said so) in addition to the scar check, they did the yearly check exam,etc. I didn't know that 30 was such a big deal(perhaps reproductively it is). The Csection scar is doing ok,still tender to the touch but these things take time to heal. And its been confirmed that,if I wanted to have any more kids it would have to be via Csection. (the reason for the C-Section dictates one's future in that regard) So really,you have to go through labor unsuccessfully before they'll "know" that said birth canal is too narrow,a concept I don't totally understand (why they can't predict that in some way,what with the probable trillions of births since the beginning of time). Some people have gone on to have vaginal births post C-Section, but it's my observations that many people just opt to have another C-Section. I've got nothing against C-Sections,as it pertains to the whole "Nature VS Medicine" thing...the point is,to get the child out,not to have some sort of religious experience,but it is true that docs really don't like you to have a vaginal birth after a section & will tell you that you have to have another C-Section unecessarily. Repeated C-Sections increase ones risk of uterine rupture(etc.) & at some number,(4?)hospitals refuse to do them,the risks are so high. I'll never be Michelle Duggar,but I don't like anyone telling me anything. And I don't think I'd want enough kids for that to even be an issue, but time will tell,in that regard.My problem with C-Sections are,they're painful/take very long to fully recover from,plus the baby doesn't get some "immunity" from the birth process. So what I don't quite understand is if it's physically impossible( I mean,the canal is supposed to accommodate &why it didn't I don't understand) or if the doc is just saying it because that's what OB-GYN's do. I need an impartial party to explain it to me, I guess.( like an L&D nurse)

As addicting as babies are,
I don't plan to repeat the experience for awIhile. Pregnancy was a time of great physical & mental stress & my brain needs healing,as well as my body. I ate,slept,& breathed guilt for 10 months & it didn't magically disappear the minute I delivered. I really appreciate the normal hum/drumness of being not pregnant now,& diabetes wise,my control got much better(funny how that happens,when you're supposed to be in great control DURING,not after). I am much more comfortable with taking huge amounts of insulin/prebolusing then I was pre-pregnancy,& I think that'll work to my advantage on the next a1c. I still have alot of conflicting feelings about said pregnancy..& I know that if I ever have any more,there are things that I'd do very differently. I think that having a baby in the NICU for even a minor reason makes you aware of how much worse things really could have been,& how grateful you are when they get out happy & healthy.And that's what it's all about,even at 3 am when they're crying to be fed & you're dead to the
world but then they smile at you & suddenly the night is not as dark anymore. He's the cutest thing since, well, Sep.1, 1981...
(haha)

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Remembering

Almost three years to the day that thishappens. I don't think about it so much anymore but it's odd timing,that one week in January where tragedy & joy tangle each other in a complicated web of emotions.
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The Story of a Birth: Part 3

Dear JB,

NICU's can be scary places. And it does something to one's heart(read:take out,pulverize,put back into chest) to see one's baby in there. You were so little,(7 lbs is little, in my book)had an IV in one arm and a mass of heart leads under your sleeper tracking your heart rhythm and breathing rate. (both of which are pretty variable in a newborn) And by highly variable, I mean that the respirations can go from 20 to 70 over the course of 2 minutes.(it looked like a CGM on steroids) It took some getting used to, not freaking out over that monitor readout.(or the fact that it went off every 10 minutes just about) But your heartbeat is always steady, and true, (in contrast to some of the other babies, who would throw PVC's really frequently)and that was comforting, in that great time of uncertainty.

On Wednesday of that week, you had your IV removed..after it was clear that you didn't have an infection/blood glucose was holding steady. You didn't much like that,& I can't blame you(IV's aren't fun for anybody). You cried.(and I think I did too) Your two little heels had both been pricked(multiple times) for blood sugars,& I know it was necessary but seeing those little scars just made me hate diabetes all over again for putting you through it.

On Friday, your temperature finally began to come up...so they started turning the temperature down on the incubator/warmer. It was a long, long weekend full of advances/setbacks...to be able to turn the temp down by one degree,the underarm temperature had to measure at least 98.6. If it was 97.5 or below,they had to turn up the temp again.(they measured temp every 4 hours) Your temperature bounced up and down (despite wearing two layers,and 1-2 blankets) so the settings on the warmer simerally bounced up and down and I had doubts that you'd ever be warm enough. But you finally did,and by Monday afternoon you were all the way down to room temperature & ready for the 24 hour crib test (maintaining a 98.6 temp in an open crib for 24 hours).And by Tuesday afternoon,you could be discharged/come home. That was a little bit scary,bringing you home for the first time but the staff assured me that you would likely have no problem with future temp regulation, at that point.

So we took you home,and by that evening my feeling blah's had progressed to chest pain& an 103 degree fever.Fortuantly,my mom was there for the week (two babies to take care of) or I'm not sure I'd still be here. Whatever I had fortuantly wasn't contagious,(chest Xray was negative for pneumonia but the pulse oximetry reading was at 95%,earning me a round with the doctor's office nebulizer and a prescription for antibiotics and albuterol) but put me out of commission for the next 5 days. You,fortuantly, were unaffected...you continued to eat,sleep,poop,and grow. (as it should be) You had your first appointment with the pediatrician & clocked in another 9 oz weight gain. (and thumbs up on the pediatrician,I love her to death) And, as of 2 days ago...you now weigh over 9 lbs. I really hope you can stay healthy for a long,long time because the pediatrician also scared the socks off of me talking about what happens if a baby under 3 months old gets a fever (it is a huge deal),to that end,I've turned into the overprotective,do not want to take you out of the house at all,mother.(trying to protect you from all the nasty germs)

Parenthood is a work in progress...please be patient with us.


Love,

your Mommy

The Story of a Birth: Part 2

Room #317 was seemingly like any other room on the post-partum floor, but with one large, noticeable difference.


Minus the baby. Because a half-hour after moving in, a rechecked blood sugar was a 32 (normal, for a baby, is above 40) and a formula feeding only resulted in a 28, so the baby was whisked off to the NICU for blood sugar observation. (and a subsequent Dextrose IV) I couldn't go anywhere, because I was tied to the bed (literally) with compression leg thingies and that urinary catheter (for the first 24 hours). In my mind, I didn't expect him to be there that long and it was somewhat relieving that they were monitoring him while I could get a few hours of sleep. And sleep was odd, because for the first time in 7 months, I could do it on my back & do so with the aid of painkillers that actually worked. Attempting any sort of movement was just as difficult as during the later part of pregnancy. I was plenty hungry but only got soft liquid-ish stuff for the first 24 hours(per protocol). In the afternoon, they took my IV out & I re-inserted my Ominipod system after another doctor showed up,poked around,and said that she trusted I knew what I was doing in that regard. (not really,but I could see that she didn't, so I figured strict blood sugar management was not a priority anymore) I cut my basals by about 66% across the board,and my bolus ratios by 50-75%. I didn't want to be either too aggressive or too passive,but clearly diabetes was still there, it hadn't gone anywhere.(some people are lucky enough not to need any insulin at all,after delivery) That worked well, for the most part.

The next morning, they removed the urinary catheter/compression thingies and told me to get out of bed. So I got out of bed,took a shower,and crawled right back into bed.(moving was very painful) My parents visited,and we went down to the NICU where they said that although the baby's blood glucose was now normal,his temperature was now too low so he'd have to stay in the NICU to be monitored for that.

Tuesday passed,and Wednesday as well.By Wednesday evening,it became obvious that I was going to be discharged & the baby wouldn't..his temperature just wasn't coming up. To add to this, his bilirubin levels rose (so they did about a day of photo therapy),and his platelet count dropped,so they were concerned about infection & started him on antibiotics. The blood culture from that was negative for infection.(but they tend to give antibiotics when there is any risk at all for infection)

Wednesday,my post-lunch bg was 276 and my OB nurse freaked out, calling in a CDE. This CDE was exceptionally short on bedside manners as well & the resulting conversation was a waste of both mine, and hers, time. I don't think she quite understood the concept of a POD (like an infusion set) going bad. And she sprinkled in too many examples of other patient's "brittle diabetes" horror stories. (I don't like that term,and I don't believe in it)Five minutes in, she answered a phone call from a doctor
(dealing with someone's very high bg)and neither one of them treated the patient with much respect.This lasted for about 15 minutes,during which time she didn't go off/handle it privately...it was all in front of me.
Fun times.(I needed another pain med dose after that conversation) I demonstrated to my nurse how to change a POD, she'd never seen one before.(just regular insulin pumps) And that was pretty neat, because she asked lots of questions/was genuinely interested in it all.(her husband is a type 2)

Thursday was a black,black morning..for I knew that my 4-day stay in Paradise was coming to a close, the insurance company sure wasn't going to let me stay anymore $2000+ days. Things were healing well,& I had no problem moving around/walking at this point, so it meant that I'd be discharged(probably before 10 AM). At 4:30 am, I woke up & started bawling..and that went on through the 5:30 AM vampire blood draw. At 6, Dr. Tired-OB-Of-the-Week-Before showed up.

"Why is your blood glucose so high?!" (my pre,and post lunch bgs had been hanging out in the mid-200's)

I shrugged,trying to hold it all in.

"Because you're eating Crap Food-what is that,Cheetos and Pepsi?" he poked at a lone bag on the bedside table.

Charming doctor.

"That's DIET Pepsi." (thank you very much!!!!and that's not Cheetos, that's a bag of candy, which I'm using for low blood sugars. Not that you care.)

"So how are you doing today?"

I burst into tears.

"What's wrong?"

"My baby's still in the NICU & I just can't go home today."

"He won't be there for long-he just needs a little extra time,the low blood sugars probably set off the temperature issues. He's not seriously ill,he'll be out soon."

(I knew that,but just the fact that he's in the NICU at all has made me a basket case & you're just not getting it, are you? And there's no "OUT" in sight.)

"I'll discharge you later today-not by 10 AM, so you can stay with him longer,ok?"

(yeah,thank goodness for that small favor)

Therapy time over, he moved on to the next victim/patient. And I resumed crying, until at 8:30 AM my nurse showed up, fed me painkillers and hot tea,and had a lovely 3 hour therapy-cry-a-thon session with my post-pregnancy hormones. After that,I was a bit more ready to deal with the situation as I could see that it wouldn't do my baby any good if I didn't get well myself. It still wasn't ok that he was still in the hospital, but I could at least walk out the door myself without constantly sobbing.I still felt like crying(at the drop of hat,and would do so,quite frequently) Other babies crying (on the floor) also made me feel that way. My job was to get better,and their's was to make him better.

At 4:30, I was discharged,my husband & I went down to the NICU...fed him,held him,etc. ate some dinner, and then went home, where I crashed into bed,exhausted beyond exhausted. Coming home (from the hospital) without your baby never feels right.