The Day the Thyroid Died

August 16, 2012.

"You're so hypothyroid I'm surprised you're still standing."

Coming from my Endo, I suppose that is high praise.(or something) I don't get a choice about the "functioning" bit...the baby has to eat, life has to go on (regardless of how I'd rather just stay in bed all day. But the funny thing is, I am relieved...relieved that there is a cause for my utter exhaustion/weight gain(yeah, 10 lbs)/digestive woes/highly labile blood sugars). You don't really want to mention these symptoms unless there is a cause,but when she started questioning me about them, yep I pretty much have most of those symptoms. It's kind of like before you're diagnosed with diabetes..feeling crappy feels like the way you've always felt, and you can't imagine feeling better.

Oh, and my a1c is 8.6. I think it's been about 8 years since I've had an a1c of that (non) caliber...pass me a gold star. (kidding) That's not entirely accurate, it's falsely elevated (from my hypothyroidism), a fact that I find a marginal bit of comfort in. ("Hey, I bet my a1c is really under 7...right?") My insurance company isn't covering in-office a1c's any more(the Endo office has just been doing them, and writing off the cost) but the Endo's office is now laying the law down..and I have to get them at the lab, the week prior to the visit. (in the future) So the fact that I paid $54.67 (out of pocket) to find out an horrendously crappy a1c is kind of amusing. I actually feel like of passe about that number..even if it really was 8.6,I'm not upset over it. I know things will get better, & when I have enough energy I can actually get them better.

So I started on Levothyroxine (50 mcg/a fairly low dose), and in a few weeks, will have thyroid levels rechecked.(and go from there-will probably have to get the dose adjusted upwards) I am feeling slightly more energetic,and I'm hoping as my body gets re-TSH-ized I can resume feeling like a human being.

I'm also going to try out the One Touch Verio...got freebie one at the Friends for Life conference and liked it, enough to the point where I'll order a three month test strip supply & see what it does for my control. I feel like the Freestyle does a pretty good job with mirroring my actual bg/symptoms feelings but people say the freestyle reads too low. I like the pattern spotting of the Verio, but I'm not wild about how much off it is (compared to the Freestyle). Getting used to it may be an insurmountable challenge. (I'm going to give it at least 3 months). (I'm not the only one with doubts about switching) I love my pod, and I don't want to switch to the Tandem (regardless of how cool it was...pod trumps all) but I also don't want to switch to the regular One Touch strips (when their new PDM comes out). I'll just test on another meter/enter that number into my PDM...I hate when the pump companies force you to change strips.(to be pump compatible) One Touch strips have not been as accurate as Freestyle...in my experience. (Yours may vary) Of course, One Touch Gold (for the Verio) may be an entirely different beast then the regular One Touch strips. And it may actually be a good thing for my a1c...the Verio strips tend to read high(er) then the Freestyle.

On, towards better days.

Nursing School: Take III

Yep, here I go again. Now with an adorable,active (almost crawling) little 7 month old...life doesn't slow down for anything.

The course in question is Medical Surgical (part 1)...and it's my third attempt. (the first attempt was a "drop out on the first day of class" affair and the 2nd,I thought I would be all SuperWomanish and do it all. Didn't work out like that & the icy,bitter shards of what went down is something I still can't talk about, even to my blog)

Third attempt. Last attempt. If I fail again,I'm out of the program. I believe that I can do this, but most of it will definitely be a mental journey (as I face some of the same individuals who did their very darnedest to make sure that I failed). Because I'm not an idiot,it wasn't the coursework that got me. There is one thing that I learned through this though,and that is that "trust" is not something to be given out lightly...I am too naive. Not all instructors are there because they want you to succeed. (Some are there just to collect a paycheck) Trust is mine,trust is not something I have to automatically give to you just because you have a string of credentials behind your name. These are lessons burned into my soul, trial by fire...still fresh from the experience.

Anyway...back to the whole "registering for school" deal. To be able to get accommodations, (aka taking tests in the testing center/being able to have food/glucose available/being able to treat highs, lows as needed) I have to go through the office of Disability Accommodations. I have to have said accommodations, or I'd get suspended for eating/suspected texting/etc. (the joys of diabetes, nu?it is is almost not worth the trouble & I wish I could just hide that I have it) So, right before the start of the new semester, I request a "renewal of accommodations" packet (through the school website) and then go to pick it up from their office. Inside that packet are three separate forms..each form is in triplicate. (white, yellow, pink)

Form #1 I take to the testing center, they sign, I sign, and they keep the yellow copy. I keep the pink copy, and return the white copy to the DSS office.

Form #2 is an instructor "memorandum" (more specifically,listing the exact accommodations needed(eat/drink in class, monitor bg,medical supplies present,1.5x time) to remind them that they have a student taking tests in the testing center, and they have to drop off a test there. (so I can take them) Instructor will sign, I will sign, they will keep the yellow copy, I will keep pink, and the white copy goes back to the DSS office.

Form #3 is the official course form/memorandum for the teacher's file. The instructor signs, I sign, and they keep the yellow copy, I keep the pink, and the white copy goes back to the DSS office.

The testing center is on the opposite side of the campus, which means that I'm usually missing half an hour(or more) of the lectures. Not that I mind, but while everyone else gets to take their test/go to lecture in the same place, I get to run around everywhere attempting to keep on track with everyone else. Yeah, this "Special Treatment" thing is not all fun and games. The lectures I could repeat in my sleep (by this point),and I'm hoping they'll use the same tests (the answers I think I'll have remembered) so that that part at least will be stress-free.

It's entirely possible to be a good mom/go to school at the same time...and I want this degree. I've been working towards this for 11+ years,and if it's not to be, it won't be because I didn't give it my all.

August Update

Life Update : Massively busy, full steam ahead.

I guess its been said (many, many times before) but babies tend to suck time out of the day like nothing else. 99% of your time goes to feeding, diapering, changing, cleaning, & making these small human beings healthy & happy.(and with some children, the "making happy" clause requires almost constant interaction) With the other 1% of your time, you attempt to do all the other tasks that life requires(feeding,laundering,etc.etc.one spouse),occasionally sleeping,and shoveling food into your mouth to keep going and that kind of leaves 0% of your time for other stuff...like say, blogging, or having a social life. (and diabetes care? Forgetaboutit)

And I'm going to be honest here,I have no clue how these people with 12+ kids do it (or parents of multiples). I feel like I'm living on the verge of meltdown...too many tasks,not enough energy to do it all.(yes, the spouse does help out but even with that its living life on the edge) I know it won't be this way forever,but right now I have next to no energy or motivation to do beyond the basics. Part of the issue may be my thyroid, which is doing its own version of mimicking a CGM (fluctuating between too high, and too low) sucking what energy I did have right down the black hole. My Endo calls this fluctuation "postpartum thyroiditis" and feels that it will burn itself out, in a few months. (in the meantime,just deal with it, princess.(my words...not hers. She's just giving it time, because most cases do eventually become more stable,aka go to hypo permanately)

Anyway,blood sugar wise all these fluctuating hormones haven't been too much of a disaster...my average has been pretty decent. I can't be assured of a better a1c, but I'm spending much less time at both hyper and hypo glycemia so all in all, I'm pretty happy with my D-management. (regardless of what this week's a1c will be) I just want life to settle down, the baby to become less demanding and to settle this thyroid mess so I can get back to feeling like a human being again. And maybe, just maybe,I will get more organized & want to get more fit (aka lose 10 extra baby lbs). If anti-depressant drugs are also involved in the process, I'm cool with that.(anyone who isn't depressed post-pregnancy has got to already be taking anti-depressants, what with what's involved)

Cross fingers.

7 Month Letter

Dear J-Baby,

Today you are 7 months old...and the theme for this past month has been "have arms/legs, will roll." Rolling is something you already do quite well,gone are the days of putting you on the bed unsupervised. Yes, you've fallen off=massive Mommy guilt (babies are faster then the speed of light)& so its down to the floor for you. Incedentily, you don't stay on the floor blanket either...prefering to roll around to all corners of the room, seeking the most dangerous,dirty objects to attempt to put in your mouth/tip over/etc.(hence the need for constant supervision)You don't crawl yet, but you're scootching yourself up on your knees and doing a little belly flop with a great sigh of exasperation. (it's coming,perhaps not fast enough for you, though)

This past month, you've acquired two bottom teeth...and a helmet, to correct your plagiocephaly (head asymmetry). Despite having physical therapy for a few months, the head asymmetry is pretty severe (& getting worse) which for some babies, is the case. The helmet has to be worn 23 hours a day (for about 12 weeks).(to shape the growth of the skull) In this hot weather, its not a pleasant experience & causes alot of sweating/deep red facial skin rashes. To the untrained eye, it doesn't cast your parents in a very favoriable light.(I swear we have not been scourging our child with hot irons) I'm going to ask about something we can do to prevent/clear up those patches (although they said it is normal,I'm not sure as to what degree they were talking about).

You are the best little baby ever..and the most social one. (basically, if you aren't around people 24/7 you're very unhappy) You like your rice cereal & applesauce (greenbeansauce was not a hit & gave you diarrhea),& for now, that's the extent of your solid food experience. For the first year, we've decided to go gluten-free (because the guilt parade doesn't quite end after pregnancy,& many T1 parents opt for that to further decrease their kids chances of developing an autoimmune illness.) Well,your parents don't agree that there should be ANY guilt involved,because as we all know T1 diabetes is a strange beast(striking both breastfed,and formula fed,individuals randomly), & ditto that with celiac disease but for now,the most current research says "this may be benificial to your kiddo" so we're going to roll with it. Both your mommy & your daddy were fed lots of strange things as infants...and somehow managed to survive.(such as onions...my dad thought it was fun to watch the faces that we'd make) You crack yourself (and everyone around you)up...you're a very funny baby. (destined to be the next Jay Leno, perhaps?) You can kind of say the word "hello" (hi-yo), which in your mind, is associated with food. (Hello?Hello??Feed me now, Mommy) You also grab at the spoon, the bottle, and the bowl...to assist (dump food all over) in the feeding process. (you aren't quite ready to feed yourself yet)

You're a whopping 16 lbs & a jumble of arms and legs, most of which are in constant kicking/flailing/swimming motion...and you're working at sitting up, unassisted. (your back muscles aren't quite strong enough yet, since you're dealing with the added weight of the helmet)

You're pretty incredible,& you just keep getting more so!

Love,

Your Mommy

Hypo at Midnight

Fingers
dance along the console
Grabbing
rolls of glucose tabs
Popping
Into open mouths
Waiting (&waiting)
to relieve the shakes
to relieve the shakes.

This is how it was
This is how it is
This is how it must be

Until there's a cure.
Until there's a cure.
Until there's a cure.
(will I see a cure?)

Hypos
Flirting with disaster
Numbness
Spreading over body
Panic
Emptying the fridge
Rebound
Into stratosphere.

This is diabetes.
This is "control"
This is what it's like.

Better
Relatively steady
Always
Just a unit
Away
From the unknown

People have died
People die
People will die
(how is this controllable?)

wishing
For a day
no
Highs or lows
eating
Everything I want
being
What's considered normal

For me
For my diabetes friends
For my friends & family
For anyone who has ever been touched by diabetes,in any way,shape or form.

CURE.

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