Over a Kansas Rainbow

I love Kansas, I really do. And there's a kind of tenacious toughness to the Midwesterners that's really quite admirable.

But...

I don't love being in the middle of nowhere with no cell service,no phone service,& the nearest "help" one mile away. Heck,even the walkie talkies don't work. At night, the wolves howl their symphonies & you really try not to worry about what the heck you'd do if a wild animal burst into the cabin(stab them with the glucagon needle?) or if the tornado siren went off. To say nothing of having a diabetes emergency(nearest hospital: 25 miles away) or an emergency of some other kind. I was not cut out to be Pioneer Girl.

But....

It is rustically beautiful. Flowing streams, an elaborately decked-out "Lodge", nice views, and a hot tub on the premises...plus a relative(hubby's) who is really just as nice and accommodating as can be. I will just have to woman up & bear the 5 days of no Internet, or well,anything. Hubby's relatives really want to see the J-baby.(I would love to do a Kansas meetup but that all depends on whether Hubby wants to,he isn't overly thrilled about D-meetups)

I will (likely) survive. I can do this. And maybe we will all end up having an excellent time.(toddler tempers pending)

Posted with Blogsy

15 Months

This is my angelic child. He is (now)15.5 months old, bright, funny, cheerful. He loves reading books & splashing in the bathtub. He has a short fuse & his yet primary way of communication(for anything) is yelling at the top of his lungs. And for the most part, he's healthy.(seasonal allergies notwithstanding)

But... He isn't walking yet. He'll pull himself around all over everything in Creation, but has no interest in taking independent steps. (when forced to do so, he does the stop,drop, and laugh at Mommy) Otherwise, if he wants to get something that can't be gotten via holding on, he will crawl.(he can crawl faster then I can walk) And when you go to the Pediatrician's, & they frown & start asking you all these other questions about his development & start planting seeds of doubt as to whether something is seriously wrong...At this age, every normal child is at least walking. She took a look at his hips,his gait, & said it looked normal but if he doesn't begin to walk soon, they will want to get an X-ray & perhaps see a pediatric neurologist although in every other developmental area, he is normal so she doubted that it was some weird neurological deadly disease that could be causing this.(I will not Google. I will NOT Google.)

"Kids just develop differently."

Which I know, but it's not exactly turning the worry off in my brain. You can't just ignore something, hope it's nothing,& find out later that it was a HUGE something.

Enter referrel to Infant & Toddlers Program.(some sort of state funded program for developmental assessment/treatment of developmental issues) Called them, gave them some basic info & the case worker set up an assessment for Tuesday. I'm hoping they can shed some light on whether this is a medical problem or a psychological one, & what can be done to fix it.(or where to go from here,because I'm at a loss)

 

Posted with Blogsy

Choosing This, Not That

This:

Not:

 

This:

 

(mostly not...) That:

This:

Not:

(the child is a perpetual ray of sunshine,so my collection of "angry baby" photos is very slim. This one is probably from a year ago.)

This:

Not:

This:

Not: (the W...)

This:

Not:

This:

Not:

This:

Not:

And always, always,more of this!!!!

 

Posted with Blogsy

Pledge(d)

Long, long ago, when I was a young un' in 4-H...every meeting would begin with the solemn pledge. Which I will probably remember till my dying day, given that I recited it hundreds, if not a thousand, times over those 7 years. It went:

I pledge:

My head to clearer thinking

My heart to greater loyalty

My hands to larger service

My health to better living, for my club, my community, my country, and my world.

Nursing kinda has a pledge like that as well. It's called the Florence Nightengale pledge, as it's kinda like a Hippocratic oath for nurses. You don't get to say it unless you are a graduate/or actual RN. Florence Nightengale,as you probably know, was the founder of modern nursing & the whole shebang...she was quite the remarkable person. In first semester, we learned all about Florence & the history of nursing & all the legal stuff.(aka:how to not get sued)

"First, do no harm."

"Honesty. Veracity. Benevolence. Nonmalifecence." (learn to spell...)

"What would Florence do?" was the theme of that particular course. I grew to rather disliking Florence, for her intrusion into 21st century nursing. Florence,however,is still important. (quirky teachers non-withstanding)

I solemnly pledge myself before God and in the presence of this assembly, to pass my life in purity and to practice my profession faithfully. I will abstain from whatever is deleterious and mischievous, and will not take or knowingly administer any harmful drug. I will do all in my power to maintain and elevate the standard of my profession, and will hold in confidence all personal matters committed to my keeping and all family affairs coming to my knowledge in the practice of my calling. With loyalty will I endeavor to aid the physician in his work, and devote myself to the welfare of those committed to my care.

I'm pretty sure Florence wouldn't have put up with the legal mumbo-jumbo that passes as being a good nurse today. She was a person who took matters into her own hands,to get the best care for her patients. But it's 2013, & you've got to toe the line if you want to retain a nursing lisence. I went & talked to a prof today(who is really awesome,& probably the straightest shooter in the whole program) & she told me that yep,nurses can't legally make that assessment that a patient is "ok"..it has to be done by a doctor. So if I'm that patient with a low blood sugar in clinical,even if I treat it & appear ok,if I make a mistake & kill a patient or pass out in the hallway legally it's their mess too. And there is the fact that some clinical profs actually do care about you & want you to feel better. But mostly,it's all legal. So,I guess I've got no recourse but to run 200+ if I really want to avoid lows. The instant I A.tell someone I need to treat or B.appear/am low C.eat glucose tabs & someone sees I'm low it's game over in clinical. I hardly think this is preparing me for the real world, I'm acquainted with managing D on the job without killing myself or another party. At least,it was the opinion of the prof that I'd be better off temporarily high & I am tending to agree with her. Classroom is slightly different, it's ok to be low & treat there since there are 20 other students (as long as you don't pass out). Lab is like clinical..low=nono. She cleared up the confusion I had on that matter.(as well as a few others. It's nice when someone tells you exactly why faculty does what they do,even if that reason is completely asinine.) Plus she fed me diet beverages and cookies, & that's always a huge morale booster in my book. It's nice to have someone(in real life) rooting for you.(besides all the people that live in your computer,which I do appreciate ALL of you.Thank you.)

 

Posted with Blogsy

For Want of a CGM

For want of a nail the shoe was lost. (CGM/blood sugar)
For want of a shoe the horse was lost. (blood sugar/class)
For want of a horse the rider was lost. (class/student)
For want of a rider the message was lost. (student/paperwork)
For want of a message the battle was lost. (paperwork/course)
For want of a battle the kingdom was lost. (course/nursing school program)
And all for the want of a horseshoe nail. (CGM)

This is my Dexcom CGM. It is my security blanket, my ray of sunshine in the dark night of diabetes, my cool kids toy, my partner,till death (or cure) do us part. It's sole job in life is to keep me safe.

(of course,it's not a cure so it can't always do that. But it can help. Because right now, I sure as heck don't feel safe. I feel like a certain low/certain legal crappola waiting to happen. And that scares me, because lows can't always be prevented...least of all in a 12 hour shift (crazyness)in the ICU or something.

But the thing about any piece of technology, it has it's limits. And certainly, if you're going to leave your CGM behind one day because you've got a ton to do before you're even at school by 8 am, well,the CGM isn't going to help you there. You should probably put it in your backpack/what have you so you DON'T FORGET IT. And then,later on,when you are wondering "Am I or aren't I?" your CGM will tell you. And knowledge is power...knowledge will help give you the confidence that you so desperately need,that diabetes doesn't have to mean a dropping blood sugar, a freaked out clinical instructor,a trip to the ER,a ton of paperwork,a dropped course.

I'm realizing,once again, that as a student with diabetes, I need this if I ever hope to succeed. It lessens the playing field between myself and the rest of the non-pancreotically impaired class. (who don't have to think about D,on top of everything else)I'm not sure that nursing school will ever be an opportunity to be a gung-ho,let's educate all the staff/students/patients experience that I thought it might be but that's ok, you do what you can. 50 years from now, I hope this is such a NON-issue for a student with D...(assuming D isn't cured by then). Being on the front lines of all this drama wasn't something I'd have ever wanted to get involved in.( I am not a very good pioneer. I prefer for that road to already be paved for me.)

Moral of Story: Don't leave home without your D-Stuff.

(p.s. The Blogsy app ROCKS. New favorite!)

 

Posted with Blogsy

Where the River Runs Deep

Yesterday,I dropped out of nursing school.

It's been one steamroller of a ride,& it's only the third week out of eight. And I guess I should explain that nothing,nothing went right in those days...starting with The Low in Lab & culminating in the Peak De Triumphe anxiety attack on Tuesday over paperwork,for which I gained a Plan For Success in Professional Behavior as well as a Plan For Success in the paperwork that I'd done wrong. I hyperventilated & ended up on the floor,thinking I would fail clinical because I was getting a plan for success (for paperwork)& it took an hour to get me up off the floor. (I got extremely dizzy & thought I was going to black out) Not a really awesome moment in my life,& I can say that's never happened before either. (Blood Sugar:365 by the end of that) That gained me a meeting with the head prof & my clinical instructor as they delivered the Plans For Success & discussed my unacceptable behavior. Before that meeting, (in the time between Tues.afternoon and Wed.afternoon), I'd decided that it was probably best if I dropped out, because there was no absolute way the further deluge of paperwork that missing Wed.clinical plus the 5 (mini)papers & 30 min.presentation due Thurs. morning I could get that all done. And my toddler was sick with an ear infection,the babysitter didn't want him back until he was acting more normal(didn't have a fever,but I digress)& that was more time spent not being able to get work done running to doctors offices & pharmacies. I need like 48 hours in a day. I'd had it with the entire mess of profs & I could see that at this rate, failure was imminent & as I still had the opportunity to drop with a Withdrawal Passing grade(thanks to a decent grade on the first exam), I took it.
So Friday, I finished matters up with withdrawal..you have to do an Exit Interview,discussing what you plan to do different the next time around & factors that led to your demise. I received a not-so-nice little copy of Med Surg I's Plan For Successes (3)and areas of Clinical Probation(3)...that was not a great course for me...& this courses Plans For Successes(2). I guess the only good thing about that is that I know exactly where I stand now & what I have to work on to avoid at all costs. I asked the head prof if I'd get a Plan For Success if I broke one of the rules while I had a low blood sugar, & she said it depended on how low I was. I said low blood sugars at any hypo level could affect behavior & she said that it all depended on the circumstances then. She then went on to talk about the low I had in lab, & whether I was being honest with my doc if I were to have frequent lows,and blah blah blah. (As to my ability to function in clinical) Grand. I'm getting the impression that if I so much as tell anyone I'm having a low, I'll be A.kicked out of clinical and B.suspended from the program. In their eyes,there is no such thing as a mild low. This is discrimination, no doubt about it,but whether its ever going to be an issue is unknown. In this course, I would say heck yes,it would be..but I know profs to which a mild low would not be a huge deal. A major anything has to be reported,& I guess I'm lucky not to have gotten a Plan For Success for my low blood sugar.(& that feels all wrong to say..seriously?like that was all my fault...) My head prof was definitely suggesting that it could happen. I'm now all kinds of confused and angry that that could even be an issue,in today's world of supposed "disability and accommodations." And I still have that matter of being switched to another clinical site,& new prof, because of the D.(did that ever hurt) I reregistered to retake the course in the fall. (Fresh,clean slate..& all of that.Almost.)

Then I went to drop my class at the registration,& was pleasantly surprised that there was no bill remaining. I wish I could have gotten a refund,but at this point,it's considered a Withdrawal,not a Drop. I know that I may be coming back to much the same issues in the fall, & I know that right now, I need a Lawyer, a Therapist, and some other resources as well to help get this mess sorted out for me.

In Ex Evictus, Maeror

Dear Clinical Student,

I'll be short & blunt.. I don't want you in my group. And when the reason for this finally becomes known, I won't be anywhere near you. You'll be in a meeting with the nursing Dept. head and the head of the Med Surg II course when you find out,& the vitriol will suck the breath out of you,but I don't care.
Why don't I want you?

I heard about your low. I don't want to have anything to do with your "unstable medical condition", in fact, I refuse to. The clinical site refuses to to, which means your going somewhere else. Your head instructor and head of the nursing dept. may tell you whatever they want, they can tell you that this site really isn't best for your needs to carry stuff in,they can tell you that it's better this way. I don't care. And when they've finished telling you this,& you walk out in a daze to go & cry in your clinical advisors office..that might be the end of it. I really don't care, I don't HAVE diabetes & I just don't want to deal with you & any low drama. I also don't have any desire to talk to you to really see if this will be an issue. So go,go & do your thing.

Sincerely,

Your Ex-Prof

One flew over the Cuckoo's Nest

It's been one of those weeks...where the diabetes hasn't played nicely with life. It's the first week of Med Surg II(aka Mental Health) & it's been somewhat of a perfect storm.

Monday morning saw 5 inches of fresh snow so some things were delayed to later in the week. There was Orientation (Monday), a simulation (real patient aka paramedic instructor) Tuesday, a math exam & neurobiology lecture on Wednesday, & a Therapeutic Communication & a Central Line Care labs on Thursday. TC went fine but about 20 minutes into the other lab my stomach started rolling & I started to get extremely dizzy & I thought I was going low but I didn't want to start off a chain reaction of "where are you going questions" so I sat there,hoping it would go away. (Because you know,lows just spontaneously disappear when you will them away)Heart racing & jitteriness soon joined the list & I started sweating profusely but I still couldn't move. The instructor stopped speaking, looked at me and asked if I was ok & that was all I needed to burst out crying,have an excuse to get out of there,head to the restroom,swig juice & check my bg.(I hadn't brought my (replacement) Dex with me that day) It was 22 & I felt very much like staying on the floor,however long it took. After probably 30 minutes my instructor (& several other students)came looking for me. Low symptoms were in full force,with a low of this nature I always shake like I'm freezing to death & cry(for absolutely no good reason). So, this instructor's first impression of me was that of a hysterically crying,shaky,confused PWD.(yes,she will be my clinical instructor in the hospital in several weeks) She assured me that it was all ok & made me eat chocolate kisses( I have zero problem doing that) until my bg read 203. The rest of my body took some time to get over the adrenalin surge from heck,& my blood pressure skyrocket to 140/90,pulse 120 as the stress shot it up. Eventually (with the assistance of blankets,fluids,& time) the shakes went away,the BP went down & the bg went up to 260 & we went back to the lab where she finished the lecture for the other students & I finished recovering & went home to take a nap. I really don't remember anything from that lecture, & I didn't try.(post low) I think she was freaked out & now considers me "brittle". I've never had a low of this nature hit in class(or clinical) before, I should have been wearing my Dexcom & had something in my pocket to discreetly treat & it all wouldn't have happened.

Friday morning, I awoke to an email from the head instructor informing me that because of my low in lab, I needed to be seen by a physician and have a form filled out that my D was stable enough to go to clinical. This needed to be done before I go to clinical(in other words,today). Classes began at 9, & I managed to acquire an appt for 3 pm with my primary care office (I still had to miss the last class of the day). So that's all done & the form is ready for Monday. I am a little annoyed that I can't even have a low blood sugar (probably even mild,this wasn't,but still) this is MASSIVE overreaction on their parts.

So that's been my life this week. I also had to get my newly found but non-functional Dex replaced & I have yet to actually send it back,though I got the replacement.(I wasn't wearing the Dex when I had the low, I'd forgotten to bring the reciever) Mental Health rotations will be very challenging, I'm not allowed to bring anything in except the basics(hence why I had to get permission for my D-crap,yep,bringing syringes (etc) into a Rehab facility is a real situation. No coffee,tea,Diet Coke allowed.(for staff or residents) We (my group)are there 3x a week, it's going to be really,really rough days without my caffeine.


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Lost

Last night at a D-meetup,I lost my beloved Dexcom.

I tweeted about it, & while the DOC still has its angels,it also has its "other" individuals. News Flash: not every PWD is your best friend forever. Someone said that they wish they had a Dexcom to lose in a bar..not the therapeutic response of the day. Whatever that means.(insinuating that I'm a rich,spoiled PWD?) I'm over their response, I'm moving on.(you don't know me OR my situation)I don't have $1300 to drop on a new one. I hope someone turns it in, I've called the restaurant & I went back & searched the parking lot..nothing. Hopefully they will turn it in when they realize its a medical device. (At this point, I hold out hope) This is the first time that I've actually lost a valuable piece of medical equipment(or had it stolen), for real.(& I'm 99% furious at myself and 1% furious at the person who took it)

A JDRF Summit

Several Saturdays ago,I left the toddler with my hubby for the day & drove to Bethesda for the JDRF Summit. I was kind of nervous,as Daddy DayCare tends to be alot more lenient then Mommy DayCare(basically,he doesn't freak out over every time the kid has something happen to him) so I only called home 5 times just to make sure everyone was still alive back there. They were all fine.(me,not so much) Despite that,I did have a pretty good time at the Summit...there were a few D vendors & I got to play with the new Omnipod PDM.

The PDMs are basically the same size..the difference,of course,lies in the home screen of the newer one(personalised with name that you have to confirm every time you turn it on) & the (meal)IOB addition. Still no basal IOB,which I think is stupid.(I need that,I'm sensitive to insulin) And the much smaller pods. (which they gave me a sample of, but somehow I lost)They said that existing customers will start getting new PDMs within 3 weeks. I refused to order new pods until they come out, so I'm now on my backup Animas Ping.(My copay for them (the pods) is pretty high,& I don't want to get stuck with a bunch of old pods) Oh well.(tubed pumps are ok short term)

They had various speakers...first the Artificial Pancreas team from the University of Virginia & some biochemist PHD from Duke. (I was much more interested in the former) Nicole Johnson,former Miss America,was the moderator. It was very interesting,by the end of the year the AP should be ready for "home" studies. (They've done it in an outpatient setting already)They've got a system called DIA that integrates CGM data & sends it to a smartphone,which can give you color coded signals(red,yellow,& green-much like traffic lights)as to how likely your bg is going to go either high or low.(&the time frame) At this phase,the "smart" part of the AP can take over & correct but I'm guessing its heavily monitored (like every 5 minutes monitored).
There are three components of the AP & they are doing pretty good with the meals part,but the exercise part still has to have more testing done.
Had lunch,that was a pretty nice spread of salads,sandwiches,& 3 kinds of brownie/cookies. I went over & said hi to the AP study endocrinologist.(we go wayyyy back..I think to 2003. Haven't seen her since 2007 though)
After lunch,it was more DRI-type lectures.(immune system tricking,drugs in development) & that was pretty interesting. There was a panel discussion at the very end,& I went back to my car to charge up my phone a bit. Came back, & most everyone had left by then but the UVA study coordinator said they'd probably be ready in May,for the next phase of the study.(I personally am chomping at the bit to try THE LATEST STUFF so I just about had a happy heart attack at this news. I haven't gotten to do anything at this level of coolness since 2007) But you hate to seem annoying with emails,so I don't.(not like they can speed things up)
Then another PWD,(that I met at another D event)her friend,& I went to the bar.
I rarely drink,the reason for this has less to do with diabetes & more to do with the fact that substances have an exaggerated effect in my body. 1 Tylenol or iboprofen generally will handle aches and pains just fine..even insulin I'm pretty sensitive to.Thus,1 drink (feels like three)will generally snow me under quite well.(yep,that's my limit) Plus, I was driving,so I ordered a very expensive Diet Pepsi instead.It is,however,nice to sit at a bar & have real adult conversations & have that power to order a drink,should I want to. And getting to talk to another T1's for a couple hours is pretty awesome,any day of the week. By 6:45, I figured I should be heading home & I missed my baby like c.r.a.z.y. & wondered how things were really going,at home. Bg was (still nutso high) 223, so I skipped dinner,skipped going to pick up cupcakes.(original plan..since I have a gift card & the place is 3 miles away) I didn't want to get lost in the dark trying to find the place.
By the time I got home,ate something,kissed my "MaMAAAA"ing baby,put him to bed & collapsed into bed,my blood sugar decided to go in the opposite direction & had to be treated with 45 carbs before it decided to go on the up and up. Then I slept for 11 hours straight.

All in all,a fun,totally exhausting day.


- (not)Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone,the stupid thing won't let me publish & I can't post pictures from my phone. Big headache.

Victories

********

I have a love-hate relationship with this particular series of posters in my Endo's office. (as in, I love to hate them) I realize that the purpose of it is to empower you to do better, but when I look at it, I see an unattainable goal (unless I'm A. pregnant or B. dead)


Anyhoo....as much as I have really,really come to dislike the Verio meter, and as much as I came into this appointment expecting double-digits a1cs & a thyroid level off the charts due to said "noncomplience" issues & my own slew of stress highs relating to nursing school, my a1c actually came back 0.5 lower then it was the last time & my thyroid results are now normal. Oddly though, we didn't spent any time at all talking about my a1c. (perhaps she's given up trying to ever get me back to under 7) I told her about the whacky spells I get that I think are related to the generic form of the thyroid med(happening every couple days..I get shaky, weak,dizzy, heart races, and feel really horrible) and these happen at any and every time of day, regardless of blood sugar & she said she could switch me to the brand name Synthroid (to see if that fixes it). I can't very well stop taking it (well, for any length of time...oddly enough,if I don't take the pill that day it does not happen). And I hate the Verio meter because it seems like the highs are way off base(if I correct 1.5 units for a 322 with no IOB I will still be scraping the 60's 2 hours later, which is just stupid and unexplainable. I don't think I'm really that high.) True, the Verio reads high, and I guess I can thank it for dropping my a1c 0.5 but I want a meter I can trust, a meter that will give me readings that are consistent with the way I feel. So, once I use up my 3 month supply of Verio strips I am going back to the Freestyle. I'm currently using my old green Ping pump, as the new Omnipod system/pods have STILL NOT SHIPPED. Being back on a tubed pump is a little weird, but I haven't had a single set issue & its actually nice to not be using up so much real estate.(as one does with the Omnipod) Kidney tests came back ok, all is status quo with the magnesium levels. (I'm glad of that, as the big 15 anniversary approaches, one starts to worry more about whether kidney complications are going to be rearing their ugly head) I had a mild low seizure in February(mild, because I didn't have to go to the hospital..I became cognizant fairly quickly) & she said they'd prefer to know about that if it ever happened again. Haven't had a seizure in years,so the next day was pretty exhausting. All in all, it was a good appointment.


I passed Pediatrics-final grade "B". (thank you to everyone who believed in me) Coming into the final exam, I had a 74.2 average (you need a 75 to pass the course) I went over that final exam 6 times to make sure that I'd gotten everything I could get right, right. It was more then a little bit stressful for the next 24 hours, because I really,really,really did not want to fail nursing school. (those 24 hours were basically one big panic attack) But I got an 84, so I passed. (its weird how much empthasis is placed on the tests...you can get a 76 overall average and still get a B for the course) Each question is like gold, each question has the potential to either fail you or keep you in the course. (or the program, as the case may be) 4 questions kept me in the program. And it's so, so nice to have a "Spring Break" week before the insanity of Med Surg II(aka Psychiatry) begins.



The baby is walking. Well, kind of. He (death)grabs onto my shirt or pants and I drag him all over the house, until he gets tired and plops back down on the floor. He certainly could walk by himself if he wanted to, & he'll walk pushing the walker we have for him, but I think he's still scared of going solo, and that's why he won't do it. (yet) It's a little bit concerning, as kids are supposed to be walking solo by at least 15 months (which he'll be next month), but I think he will get there by a couple of weeks. He's going through a "I hate ALL vegetables" phrase & screams bloody murder anytime you attempt to feed him any.(seriously, kid, you cannot live on fruit...much as you might like to) It's difficult to know how to discipline a 14 mo (if they get hungry enough,yeah they might eat it except he just won't,he spits it out & he doesn't understand why he can't have what he wants). I'm hoping he gets out of this phase REALLY QUICKLY. And then you try to find healthy ways of disguising veggies but he's smart enough to know they don't look anything like fruit, and he refuses to eat it. Sigh.


Yay, Spring! I'm so ready to get over this doom/gloom/rainy cold miserable weather.(we've had very little snow...perhaps because we're so near the Bay, it's not quite cold enough to turn to snow)

That "C" Word

The Cure is Coming.





Yes, yes, boys and girls...this according to the Diabetes Research Institute. Your days of blood tests & swag carb counts and wonky levels are numbered, according to one in-the-know blogger.


When I heard the "possible" news, I was briefly intrueged. Not because I knew it was a "cure" per say, but because I wanted to hear if their idea made any more sense then all the other ideas out there. Because, in 15 years, I've heard alot of "this is it, this is the CURE!!" hype & yes, I've actually believed that it could lead to the cure. Islet Cells. Some sort of Pancreas Wonder Pills. The Glucowatch. (& others) All promising ideas that fizzled out within a few years. I have always believed that there would be an eventual cure, even though I was fortuanate enough NOT to be fed the "5 Year Plan" at my diagnosis. The intern was a straight shooter, told me I'd have it forever, and I assumed that I would, that it could never be cured. And then I got out of the hospital, out into a world where EVERYONE was trying to cure my incurable diabetes.


It's still here. I'm still here. (despite wild take-out swings on both of us) And I've made my peace with diabetes, I don't need a cure. (not that I don't want one, I just don't need one to be happy in life) I realize that I write all this from the point of view of a person who can afford the meds/etc.needed to have a healthy life, who never had to choose between affording test strips or paying the electricity bill. I'm an adult with type 1 diabetes,and I've had a pretty good life. If diabetes affected my child, or another loved one,I would not be nearly as blase about curing it.

I'd want a cure, yesterday. And therein lies the reason to my non-reaction to this news. I cannot imagine what it must be like to live with someone with this disease, to have your partner or your child have it, to worry about them every day. There are nights that (while I'm complaining about my blood sugars) my husband tells me "Please don't die on me" & I get to see a perspective from the other side. I'm certainly doing my best not to die for a good, good long while..but as a general rule, I don't do much worrying about complications. (apparently I'm still stuck in an adolescent invincibility complex)

And this latest idea, for reasons mentioned elsewhere in the D-blogosphere, certainly sounds nothing like a "cure." It sounds like a really good idea that may or may not pan out. (Get back to me in 20 or so years) Yeah,the same ole, same ole. But what I take issue with is with a blogger, who certainly knows the effect THIS news would likely have on a community that feels so passionately about a cure,went ahead and did anyway...got everyone's hopes up only to be shattered the next day. He certainly feels passionately that this will be the next cure,but that's no excuse for toying with the emotions of hundreds (perhaps thousands of people). And that is what feels so, so wrong. I respect the DRI and the work that they are doing, but they won't be getting anymore of my monetary donations.

In the Trenches

You are a very young teenager,newly dx'd with type 1 diabetes...freshman year of high school. You're at that age where you act like it doesn't matter,it's no big deal & yeah talking about it?not gonna happen.(Not that anyone has any idea of how to go about this) Your mother passed away from T1 diabetes,soon after giving birth. The family dynamics is a complete cataclysmic shroud of mystery. Time heals many wounds,but there are some it does not. Perhaps your family is involved emotionally with your care,perhaps not but the practitioner treating your D is definitely not,because insulin changes are minuscule & insufficient for an adolescent.

This is school nursing,in the trenches. So many things that you can't do a thing about...so many unfair things in this world.(as it is for many things but some situations really get to you.) Virtually every school has type 1 students,& the school nurse has to work with whatever plan has been set in place,even if that plan really isn't working.

*this blog post is HIPAA complient-name,age, & sex of individual not being stated*


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Tsunami

I don't know what to say.

Failure is crash wave over me right now,& I can't breathe. Or think. The problem is the nursing school tests..they are so,so hard & I'm not doing well. 72,67. There are two more tests to go & I have to pull off a 76 average. I want to believe that I can, I study myself into a coma, ask my profs for help.
Not helping. I am so scared that I will fail...& then what? I've never done anything career-wise with my life that I could be proud of, & I wanted this..so badly. Yeah I guess there are plenty of other things but you don't get 3/4 of the way through a program to just fail,without taking things majorly hard. I cannot let myself think about failure, much less deal with that whole can of worms.(prematurely)

All I can do is breathe, & try to find my way back to the top. Focus on the next test, & try to understand everything that could possibly be on it.


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

They Cometh

"Do you know how very,very lucky you are?" my instructor gushed. "This is a wonderful opportunity to influence the nursing school process."

Luck,admittedly, is not the first thing that came to my mind.(more like:no absolute WAY am I getting involved in this) And what is this?you ask? "That" is upcoming visit by the National (RN) Accreditation Committee, slated to drop into town Tues/Wed of next week. One day at the hospital,one day at the college. They are here,to check up on our program/interview students & faculty,& basically ensure that we are learning what we are supposed to be learning. They come around every 8 years,hence the "lucky" part. (its a 2 year program)If you are at the hospital,they attach themselves like leeches & follow you into patients rooms,etc.(no pressure,right?) They are a million times worse then the Joint Commission.(that also comes around periodically to harass people)
Fortuently, I will not be at the hospital while they are there...unfortuently,my instructor has to be at the college for interviews so she is cutting short the hospital day & the whole clinical group has to go back to the college to participate in the interviews. UGH. I have no desire to be involved in the program process, these interviews consist of questions like "How do you feel the college has equipped you in meeting the core competencies?" (Uh what-thr only thing I feel equipped for is the ability to get through a 2.5 hour lecture) Questions that actually involve studying(prior to) what the heck they are talking about so that you don't look like a complete idiot. As you can imagine,our instructors A. want us to be enthusiastically involved and B.want us to say good things about the program to make them look good. Now yes,there are a lot of good things about this program but there are things that aren't that I might want to say too. I'm not sure that they want to listen to me complain about the program though. And I am not the mover & the shaker that they should be talking to.(there's one of those sitting in the front row every day)

Mandatory interviews..oh boy. Scary,gut-wrenching, mind-numbing,interviews. I hope the questions aren't hard.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Gray Days

It's been a rough 1.2 weeks. Begun,of course, with a sore throat & a mild cough,moved to the runny nose, followed by the 101 degree fevers & the addition of some hard core throat pain, losing my taste on Super Bowl Sunday,(I did not go to the party & how sad is that,when the whole of Baltimore was stark Raven mad?Methinks it may never happen again ) The cough set in & Sunday night I probably got two hours of sleep. Monday I went to the doc & they gave me codeine syrup & an antibiotic for my "sinus infection." Sinus infection-really? Yep,within a day my head felt like a literal bomb & the discharge turned a disgusting color. Fever went away,the cough/pressure/pain continued. I don't know if it's a particular nasty bug,or a side effect of the codeine but then came the retching diaries. Cough-cough-cough-retch-retch-cough-breathe. My backup Zofran helped a lot in that regard, but I think I should have a lot more of it in hand. The appetite is at a big fat zero,since eating solids forces my throat into a coughing/retching paramoxeam.(I guess I need to lose some weight,but not like this) So I've been living off juice,yogurt, Boost,Gatorade,pudding,applesauce. It's not that bad when you can't taste but man, I crave real food. Blood sugars are anyone's guess,& since I've taken so much Tylenol my CGM is kind of useless(little processor chip=blown). At nights,when the coughing doesn't stop & I feel like my lungs are going to explode I question whether I can go on,should I drop out of this nursing school course,rest up & try again? I've spent alot of time in bed this week,have not studied at all, barely survived my hospital day & community health 1/2 day & shown up late to 2 lectures, failed a math exam(my "failure" was the result of stupid rounding rules, I got the right answers but still failed the thing) Kept telling myself that this is the worst of it & better days are around the corner.I would have dropped out from necessity if I'd had to be in the hospital,(impossible to make up missed days)but here I am,hopelessly disorganised me,fighting to stay alive.(& afloat)

TGIF.(tomorrow) I have a weekend to do some studying for the first test,& to feel a tad bit better.(& today has been slightly better, I can breathe through my nose again) The J-baby & the hubby got mild colds/coughs,nothing like I got.(& I'm glad of that,but my hubby always claims its because he takes Zicam so religiously at the first hint of anything respiratory,while I think it's just good luck on his part,& being a Mommy Germ Magnet on my part)


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Once, We Were Juniors

The 3rd Semester.

Pediatrics, Med Surg II.2 8-week courses, but in reality, it feels like years since we were scared little nursing school"freshies." We have survived Nursing 120, 121,122,OB, Medical Surgical I.(some of us more then once) After Medical Surgical, any and all courses may just feel like a breath of fresh air. We have a swagger in our step & a new-found confidence that really,really was not there last semester. IV's do not scare us, dying simulator modules have taught us lessons best left un-repeated on actual patients. One day(very soon), some of us may yet walk across that stage & be "pinned" into that profession that each of us strives for. We struggle across the spectrum, we see friends fail out & wonder if it will be us. We have babies & surgeries & family emergencies & personal difficulties. We stay up late,get up early, eat insane amounts of chocolate,pray that our clinical instructors will be rational human beings & beat ourselves (mentally) up for not picking the other (right) answer on the impossibly hard exams. We cry with our patients & for our patients & for ourselves & about that 5 letter word of a clinical instructor. Yet some things scare us still..chief among them being released one day to practice solo,sans instructor hand-holding.

And yet, time marches on & one day, even junior-Dom will seem like such a distant memory.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

The Fear

When I was 14, my immune system started down its deep,dark path toward permanent dysfunction. It started with a bump,a small red itchy bump that turned into dozens & dozens of bumps in a raised rash that marched up my left arm, across the left side of my chest,down my left armpit & across my back. And then those bumps swelled up,with a yellowish disgusting gunk..to the point of bursting. At that point,convinced that I had cancer, I told my parents & they took me to the doctor.

The diagnosis was immeadiete & straightforward.

"You have the shingles."

Isn't that something older people get? Well,yes, but anyone who has had the good old fashioned chicken pox can go on to get the shingles. Babies can get the shingles. Rare of course,but entirely possible. Of course,being an 80's child I'd done the chicken pox party thing & gotten chicken pox at the age of 6, no big deal. Only my immune system thought it was a HUGE DEAL & up popped the shingles,all these years later.

So, they gave me this antiviral med & told me NOT TO TOUCH MY FACE & basically,it took several months of the most intense itching pain I have ever known for it to subside(& a year for the scars to clear). Every night, I'd wake up screaming from the searing,all over body pain.(usually dreaming something gruesome) But it did get better,eventually.

And then diabetes came to call. I was 16 years old when the symptoms began, & it would be 6 months before it would put my very sick self in the hospital.

I tend to think all these pieces are related,& the shingles was just the icing on the proverbial cake. I am from a family of 6 kids, & I am the only one to get the shingles/and diabetes. None of my siblings or their kids have had them. For me,getting chicken pox led to even worse things.

"Would you like to get your child the chicken pox vaccine today?"

I know that vaccines do NOT lead to getting the disease,but the varicella immunization is a live vaccination,meaning that they can get a mild form of the disease . Although no where near as serious as the full blown disease, it's still mighty uncomfortable for the kiddo.

He's 12 months old, & although I certainly believe in getting a kid vaccinated for the major stuff I said no to this. I don't think 12 months is old enough to handle it.(& what if he has my crappy genetics?) I want him to have a long,healthy life,& I don't want diabetes to mar any part of it;& if he should get diabetes, I don't want to get it as a small child(& if that means no "questionable" vaccines while really young,so be it.

"No."

The pediatrician looked up,surprised. (as previously mentioned, he's gotten all his previous immunizations) "You realize that we'll keep asking you about this(specific immunization every visit)

Yes I realize that, but I also think that this vaccination is relatively "new" on the market & I have an obligation to my child to do what I think is best for him, even if you do think I'm a radical,conspiracy-theorist nutjob of a parent. I do want what's best for him..even if you can't see it.


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

48 Questions

1. WERE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE?
No. My parents were disagreeing over what to name me, and "Heidi" won out over Genevieve and Mary.

2. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CRIED?
Two days ago,as I was watching the 2nd-to-last-EVER episode of "Private Practice." I shall miss that show.

3. DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING?
Yeah. It is uniquely mine...a mix of printing,cursive,and a self-improvement course I had to take in the 90's.

4. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE LUNCH MEAT?
Honey Ham..yum! But I'll eat anything.

5. DO YOU HAVE KIDS?
Yes, & he's the world's cutest toddler. (formerly the world's cutest baby) He is smart, opininated, and knows exactly what he wants in life. And he's a hugger.

6. IF YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSON, WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS WITH YOU?
Probably not. I am shy,and an introvert. I have a few good friends but I am not the life of the party. But if you are my friend,I think I am a good one.

7. DO YOU USE SARCASM A LOT?
Yes.

8. DO YOU STILL HAVE YOUR TONSILS?
No. I had them out in 2009 because I kept getting strep throat. It was a level of pain that I never want to experience again, but I'm glad that I got them out.

9. WOULD YOU BUNGEE JUMP?
No. I am not a fan of heights.

10. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE CEREAL?
Sunbelt Granola...or Lucky Charms!

11. DO YOU UNTIE YOUR SHOES WHEN YOU TAKE THEM OFF?
No. I'm too lazy.

12. DO YOU THINK YOU ARE STRONG?
When I have to be. I think that physically, I'm a wimp.

13. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE ICE CREAM?
Butter pecan.

14. WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ABOUT PEOPLE?
Their face.

15. RED OR PINK?
Red. I'm not a girly-girl.

16. WHAT IS THE LEAST FAVORITE THING ABOUT YOURSELF?
I'm too naive,& I wish I were better at assessing people/situations.

17. WHO DO YOU MISS THE MOST?
My grandma(mom's mom), she passed away in 2001.

18. WHAT IS THE TECHNIQUE THAT YOU NEED TO WORK ON THE MOST?
Getting myself & the kid out of the house on time.(to get wherever we're going)

19. WHAT COLOR SHOES ARE YOU WEARING?
I'm wearing brown boots.
20. WHAT WAS THE LAST THING YOU ATE?
Peanuts. I love any kind of nut.
21. WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW?
Nothing.

22. IF YOU WERE A CRAYON, WHAT COLOR WOULD YOU BE?
Burnt Sienna. I'm a pretty plain,non-stand-outish, person.

23. FAVORITE SMELLS?
-the hand sanatizers in Target bathrooms.
-Bath and Body Works hand soaps
-baking bread!

24. HOW IMPORTANT ARE YOUR POLITICAL VIEWS TO YOU?
Very important. If you (are a citizen,&) don't cast a vote, you don't have any right to complain about how the country is going to the dogs.

25. MOUNTAIN HIDEAWAY OR BEACH HOUSE?
Beach house. LOVE THE BEACH.

26. FAVORITE SPORTS TO WATCH?
Football, but I don't watch a whole lot of sports..got other stuff to do with my life.

27. HAIR COLOR?
Brownish-gold.

28. EYE COLOR?
Blue-ish grey.

29. DO YOU WEAR CONTACTS?
Nope, I wear reading glasses.

30. FAVORITE FOOD?
Anything cooked by someone else. I don't really like to cook.

31. SCARY MOVIES OR HAPPY ENDINGS?
Happy Endings. And I'll cry over it.(inevetibly)

32. LAST MOVIE YOU WATCHED?
Breaking Dawn.(part II) #vampirelove

33. WHAT COLOR SHIRT ARE YOU WEARING?
blue/white

34. SUMMER OR WINTER?
Fall...and then summer.

35. FAVORITE DESSERT?
Pecan pie.

36. STRENGTH TRAINING OR CARDIO?
I'm in need of both.

37. COMPUTER OR TELEVISION?
Computer.

38. WHAT BOOK ARE YOU READING NOW?
Lady Almina & the Real Downton Abbey. I am obsessed with British nobility.

39. WHAT IS ON YOUR MOUSE PAD?
It's a lake scene with a snow-capped mountain in the background.

40. FAVORITE SOUND?
the fizz of a diet coke can

41. FAVORITE GENRE OF MUSIC?
I don't really have a favorite, I listen to most anything.

42. WHAT IS THE FARTHEST YOU HAVE BEEN FROM HOME?
Hawaii I guess. In the opposite direction, the UK/Denmark.

43. DO YOU HAVE A SPECIAL TALENT?
I can balance 25 checkers on the edge of another checker.

44. WHERE WERE YOU BORN?
Harrisonburg, Virginia.

45. WHERE ARE YOU LIVING NOW?
Maryland.

46. WHAT COLOR IS YOUR HOUSE?
Puke yellow.

47. WHAT COLOR IS YOUR CAR?
Rust. It used to be gold...but time marches on.

48. DO YOU LIKE ANSWERING 48 QUESTIONS?
Sure, they were thought-provoking questions.

The Toddler Years

Babies are like potato chips.



It's hard to stop at just 1. My baby just had his first birthday recently...and hugely enjoyed smearing his cake all over himself,& me. Babies are sweet,sweet,sweet & after some time has passed..& they grow older, you start to get all nostalgic about the all too fleeting days of babyhood & you want that back. You've pretty much blocked out the hell that a diabetic pregnancy entails.(& plus,my kid has slept through the night since 3 months old..he's a good baby) Plus,you make rationalizing arguments that the kid needs a sibling,& we need a mini-van anyway... darn you,biological clock,do you not know that diabetes & pregnancy is not a friendly combination? The average number of kids for women with D is 2.4, I think I read somewhere. And each pregnancy is like a Kate Middleton-sized event...highly scrutinized by at least a dozen people.

No, we are not planning on having another one anytime soon. But time is blurring the line "never again!" to "maybe again."

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone