One flew over the Cuckoo's Nest

It's been one of those weeks...where the diabetes hasn't played nicely with life. It's the first week of Med Surg II(aka Mental Health) & it's been somewhat of a perfect storm.

Monday morning saw 5 inches of fresh snow so some things were delayed to later in the week. There was Orientation (Monday), a simulation (real patient aka paramedic instructor) Tuesday, a math exam & neurobiology lecture on Wednesday, & a Therapeutic Communication & a Central Line Care labs on Thursday. TC went fine but about 20 minutes into the other lab my stomach started rolling & I started to get extremely dizzy & I thought I was going low but I didn't want to start off a chain reaction of "where are you going questions" so I sat there,hoping it would go away. (Because you know,lows just spontaneously disappear when you will them away)Heart racing & jitteriness soon joined the list & I started sweating profusely but I still couldn't move. The instructor stopped speaking, looked at me and asked if I was ok & that was all I needed to burst out crying,have an excuse to get out of there,head to the restroom,swig juice & check my bg.(I hadn't brought my (replacement) Dex with me that day) It was 22 & I felt very much like staying on the floor,however long it took. After probably 30 minutes my instructor (& several other students)came looking for me. Low symptoms were in full force,with a low of this nature I always shake like I'm freezing to death & cry(for absolutely no good reason). So, this instructor's first impression of me was that of a hysterically crying,shaky,confused PWD.(yes,she will be my clinical instructor in the hospital in several weeks) She assured me that it was all ok & made me eat chocolate kisses( I have zero problem doing that) until my bg read 203. The rest of my body took some time to get over the adrenalin surge from heck,& my blood pressure skyrocket to 140/90,pulse 120 as the stress shot it up. Eventually (with the assistance of blankets,fluids,& time) the shakes went away,the BP went down & the bg went up to 260 & we went back to the lab where she finished the lecture for the other students & I finished recovering & went home to take a nap. I really don't remember anything from that lecture, & I didn't try.(post low) I think she was freaked out & now considers me "brittle". I've never had a low of this nature hit in class(or clinical) before, I should have been wearing my Dexcom & had something in my pocket to discreetly treat & it all wouldn't have happened.

Friday morning, I awoke to an email from the head instructor informing me that because of my low in lab, I needed to be seen by a physician and have a form filled out that my D was stable enough to go to clinical. This needed to be done before I go to clinical(in other words,today). Classes began at 9, & I managed to acquire an appt for 3 pm with my primary care office (I still had to miss the last class of the day). So that's all done & the form is ready for Monday. I am a little annoyed that I can't even have a low blood sugar (probably even mild,this wasn't,but still) this is MASSIVE overreaction on their parts.

So that's been my life this week. I also had to get my newly found but non-functional Dex replaced & I have yet to actually send it back,though I got the replacement.(I wasn't wearing the Dex when I had the low, I'd forgotten to bring the reciever) Mental Health rotations will be very challenging, I'm not allowed to bring anything in except the basics(hence why I had to get permission for my D-crap,yep,bringing syringes (etc) into a Rehab facility is a real situation. No coffee,tea,Diet Coke allowed.(for staff or residents) We (my group)are there 3x a week, it's going to be really,really rough days without my caffeine.


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Lost

Last night at a D-meetup,I lost my beloved Dexcom.

I tweeted about it, & while the DOC still has its angels,it also has its "other" individuals. News Flash: not every PWD is your best friend forever. Someone said that they wish they had a Dexcom to lose in a bar..not the therapeutic response of the day. Whatever that means.(insinuating that I'm a rich,spoiled PWD?) I'm over their response, I'm moving on.(you don't know me OR my situation)I don't have $1300 to drop on a new one. I hope someone turns it in, I've called the restaurant & I went back & searched the parking lot..nothing. Hopefully they will turn it in when they realize its a medical device. (At this point, I hold out hope) This is the first time that I've actually lost a valuable piece of medical equipment(or had it stolen), for real.(& I'm 99% furious at myself and 1% furious at the person who took it)

A JDRF Summit

Several Saturdays ago,I left the toddler with my hubby for the day & drove to Bethesda for the JDRF Summit. I was kind of nervous,as Daddy DayCare tends to be alot more lenient then Mommy DayCare(basically,he doesn't freak out over every time the kid has something happen to him) so I only called home 5 times just to make sure everyone was still alive back there. They were all fine.(me,not so much) Despite that,I did have a pretty good time at the Summit...there were a few D vendors & I got to play with the new Omnipod PDM.

The PDMs are basically the same size..the difference,of course,lies in the home screen of the newer one(personalised with name that you have to confirm every time you turn it on) & the (meal)IOB addition. Still no basal IOB,which I think is stupid.(I need that,I'm sensitive to insulin) And the much smaller pods. (which they gave me a sample of, but somehow I lost)They said that existing customers will start getting new PDMs within 3 weeks. I refused to order new pods until they come out, so I'm now on my backup Animas Ping.(My copay for them (the pods) is pretty high,& I don't want to get stuck with a bunch of old pods) Oh well.(tubed pumps are ok short term)

They had various speakers...first the Artificial Pancreas team from the University of Virginia & some biochemist PHD from Duke. (I was much more interested in the former) Nicole Johnson,former Miss America,was the moderator. It was very interesting,by the end of the year the AP should be ready for "home" studies. (They've done it in an outpatient setting already)They've got a system called DIA that integrates CGM data & sends it to a smartphone,which can give you color coded signals(red,yellow,& green-much like traffic lights)as to how likely your bg is going to go either high or low.(&the time frame) At this phase,the "smart" part of the AP can take over & correct but I'm guessing its heavily monitored (like every 5 minutes monitored).
There are three components of the AP & they are doing pretty good with the meals part,but the exercise part still has to have more testing done.
Had lunch,that was a pretty nice spread of salads,sandwiches,& 3 kinds of brownie/cookies. I went over & said hi to the AP study endocrinologist.(we go wayyyy back..I think to 2003. Haven't seen her since 2007 though)
After lunch,it was more DRI-type lectures.(immune system tricking,drugs in development) & that was pretty interesting. There was a panel discussion at the very end,& I went back to my car to charge up my phone a bit. Came back, & most everyone had left by then but the UVA study coordinator said they'd probably be ready in May,for the next phase of the study.(I personally am chomping at the bit to try THE LATEST STUFF so I just about had a happy heart attack at this news. I haven't gotten to do anything at this level of coolness since 2007) But you hate to seem annoying with emails,so I don't.(not like they can speed things up)
Then another PWD,(that I met at another D event)her friend,& I went to the bar.
I rarely drink,the reason for this has less to do with diabetes & more to do with the fact that substances have an exaggerated effect in my body. 1 Tylenol or iboprofen generally will handle aches and pains just fine..even insulin I'm pretty sensitive to.Thus,1 drink (feels like three)will generally snow me under quite well.(yep,that's my limit) Plus, I was driving,so I ordered a very expensive Diet Pepsi instead.It is,however,nice to sit at a bar & have real adult conversations & have that power to order a drink,should I want to. And getting to talk to another T1's for a couple hours is pretty awesome,any day of the week. By 6:45, I figured I should be heading home & I missed my baby like c.r.a.z.y. & wondered how things were really going,at home. Bg was (still nutso high) 223, so I skipped dinner,skipped going to pick up cupcakes.(original plan..since I have a gift card & the place is 3 miles away) I didn't want to get lost in the dark trying to find the place.
By the time I got home,ate something,kissed my "MaMAAAA"ing baby,put him to bed & collapsed into bed,my blood sugar decided to go in the opposite direction & had to be treated with 45 carbs before it decided to go on the up and up. Then I slept for 11 hours straight.

All in all,a fun,totally exhausting day.


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Victories

********

I have a love-hate relationship with this particular series of posters in my Endo's office. (as in, I love to hate them) I realize that the purpose of it is to empower you to do better, but when I look at it, I see an unattainable goal (unless I'm A. pregnant or B. dead)


Anyhoo....as much as I have really,really come to dislike the Verio meter, and as much as I came into this appointment expecting double-digits a1cs & a thyroid level off the charts due to said "noncomplience" issues & my own slew of stress highs relating to nursing school, my a1c actually came back 0.5 lower then it was the last time & my thyroid results are now normal. Oddly though, we didn't spent any time at all talking about my a1c. (perhaps she's given up trying to ever get me back to under 7) I told her about the whacky spells I get that I think are related to the generic form of the thyroid med(happening every couple days..I get shaky, weak,dizzy, heart races, and feel really horrible) and these happen at any and every time of day, regardless of blood sugar & she said she could switch me to the brand name Synthroid (to see if that fixes it). I can't very well stop taking it (well, for any length of time...oddly enough,if I don't take the pill that day it does not happen). And I hate the Verio meter because it seems like the highs are way off base(if I correct 1.5 units for a 322 with no IOB I will still be scraping the 60's 2 hours later, which is just stupid and unexplainable. I don't think I'm really that high.) True, the Verio reads high, and I guess I can thank it for dropping my a1c 0.5 but I want a meter I can trust, a meter that will give me readings that are consistent with the way I feel. So, once I use up my 3 month supply of Verio strips I am going back to the Freestyle. I'm currently using my old green Ping pump, as the new Omnipod system/pods have STILL NOT SHIPPED. Being back on a tubed pump is a little weird, but I haven't had a single set issue & its actually nice to not be using up so much real estate.(as one does with the Omnipod) Kidney tests came back ok, all is status quo with the magnesium levels. (I'm glad of that, as the big 15 anniversary approaches, one starts to worry more about whether kidney complications are going to be rearing their ugly head) I had a mild low seizure in February(mild, because I didn't have to go to the hospital..I became cognizant fairly quickly) & she said they'd prefer to know about that if it ever happened again. Haven't had a seizure in years,so the next day was pretty exhausting. All in all, it was a good appointment.


I passed Pediatrics-final grade "B". (thank you to everyone who believed in me) Coming into the final exam, I had a 74.2 average (you need a 75 to pass the course) I went over that final exam 6 times to make sure that I'd gotten everything I could get right, right. It was more then a little bit stressful for the next 24 hours, because I really,really,really did not want to fail nursing school. (those 24 hours were basically one big panic attack) But I got an 84, so I passed. (its weird how much empthasis is placed on the tests...you can get a 76 overall average and still get a B for the course) Each question is like gold, each question has the potential to either fail you or keep you in the course. (or the program, as the case may be) 4 questions kept me in the program. And it's so, so nice to have a "Spring Break" week before the insanity of Med Surg II(aka Psychiatry) begins.



The baby is walking. Well, kind of. He (death)grabs onto my shirt or pants and I drag him all over the house, until he gets tired and plops back down on the floor. He certainly could walk by himself if he wanted to, & he'll walk pushing the walker we have for him, but I think he's still scared of going solo, and that's why he won't do it. (yet) It's a little bit concerning, as kids are supposed to be walking solo by at least 15 months (which he'll be next month), but I think he will get there by a couple of weeks. He's going through a "I hate ALL vegetables" phrase & screams bloody murder anytime you attempt to feed him any.(seriously, kid, you cannot live on fruit...much as you might like to) It's difficult to know how to discipline a 14 mo (if they get hungry enough,yeah they might eat it except he just won't,he spits it out & he doesn't understand why he can't have what he wants). I'm hoping he gets out of this phase REALLY QUICKLY. And then you try to find healthy ways of disguising veggies but he's smart enough to know they don't look anything like fruit, and he refuses to eat it. Sigh.


Yay, Spring! I'm so ready to get over this doom/gloom/rainy cold miserable weather.(we've had very little snow...perhaps because we're so near the Bay, it's not quite cold enough to turn to snow)

That "C" Word

The Cure is Coming.





Yes, yes, boys and girls...this according to the Diabetes Research Institute. Your days of blood tests & swag carb counts and wonky levels are numbered, according to one in-the-know blogger.


When I heard the "possible" news, I was briefly intrueged. Not because I knew it was a "cure" per say, but because I wanted to hear if their idea made any more sense then all the other ideas out there. Because, in 15 years, I've heard alot of "this is it, this is the CURE!!" hype & yes, I've actually believed that it could lead to the cure. Islet Cells. Some sort of Pancreas Wonder Pills. The Glucowatch. (& others) All promising ideas that fizzled out within a few years. I have always believed that there would be an eventual cure, even though I was fortuanate enough NOT to be fed the "5 Year Plan" at my diagnosis. The intern was a straight shooter, told me I'd have it forever, and I assumed that I would, that it could never be cured. And then I got out of the hospital, out into a world where EVERYONE was trying to cure my incurable diabetes.


It's still here. I'm still here. (despite wild take-out swings on both of us) And I've made my peace with diabetes, I don't need a cure. (not that I don't want one, I just don't need one to be happy in life) I realize that I write all this from the point of view of a person who can afford the meds/etc.needed to have a healthy life, who never had to choose between affording test strips or paying the electricity bill. I'm an adult with type 1 diabetes,and I've had a pretty good life. If diabetes affected my child, or another loved one,I would not be nearly as blase about curing it.

I'd want a cure, yesterday. And therein lies the reason to my non-reaction to this news. I cannot imagine what it must be like to live with someone with this disease, to have your partner or your child have it, to worry about them every day. There are nights that (while I'm complaining about my blood sugars) my husband tells me "Please don't die on me" & I get to see a perspective from the other side. I'm certainly doing my best not to die for a good, good long while..but as a general rule, I don't do much worrying about complications. (apparently I'm still stuck in an adolescent invincibility complex)

And this latest idea, for reasons mentioned elsewhere in the D-blogosphere, certainly sounds nothing like a "cure." It sounds like a really good idea that may or may not pan out. (Get back to me in 20 or so years) Yeah,the same ole, same ole. But what I take issue with is with a blogger, who certainly knows the effect THIS news would likely have on a community that feels so passionately about a cure,went ahead and did anyway...got everyone's hopes up only to be shattered the next day. He certainly feels passionately that this will be the next cure,but that's no excuse for toying with the emotions of hundreds (perhaps thousands of people). And that is what feels so, so wrong. I respect the DRI and the work that they are doing, but they won't be getting anymore of my monetary donations.

In the Trenches

You are a very young teenager,newly dx'd with type 1 diabetes...freshman year of high school. You're at that age where you act like it doesn't matter,it's no big deal & yeah talking about it?not gonna happen.(Not that anyone has any idea of how to go about this) Your mother passed away from T1 diabetes,soon after giving birth. The family dynamics is a complete cataclysmic shroud of mystery. Time heals many wounds,but there are some it does not. Perhaps your family is involved emotionally with your care,perhaps not but the practitioner treating your D is definitely not,because insulin changes are minuscule & insufficient for an adolescent.

This is school nursing,in the trenches. So many things that you can't do a thing about...so many unfair things in this world.(as it is for many things but some situations really get to you.) Virtually every school has type 1 students,& the school nurse has to work with whatever plan has been set in place,even if that plan really isn't working.

*this blog post is HIPAA complient-name,age, & sex of individual not being stated*


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Tsunami

I don't know what to say.

Failure is crash wave over me right now,& I can't breathe. Or think. The problem is the nursing school tests..they are so,so hard & I'm not doing well. 72,67. There are two more tests to go & I have to pull off a 76 average. I want to believe that I can, I study myself into a coma, ask my profs for help.
Not helping. I am so scared that I will fail...& then what? I've never done anything career-wise with my life that I could be proud of, & I wanted this..so badly. Yeah I guess there are plenty of other things but you don't get 3/4 of the way through a program to just fail,without taking things majorly hard. I cannot let myself think about failure, much less deal with that whole can of worms.(prematurely)

All I can do is breathe, & try to find my way back to the top. Focus on the next test, & try to understand everything that could possibly be on it.


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They Cometh

"Do you know how very,very lucky you are?" my instructor gushed. "This is a wonderful opportunity to influence the nursing school process."

Luck,admittedly, is not the first thing that came to my mind.(more like:no absolute WAY am I getting involved in this) And what is this?you ask? "That" is upcoming visit by the National (RN) Accreditation Committee, slated to drop into town Tues/Wed of next week. One day at the hospital,one day at the college. They are here,to check up on our program/interview students & faculty,& basically ensure that we are learning what we are supposed to be learning. They come around every 8 years,hence the "lucky" part. (its a 2 year program)If you are at the hospital,they attach themselves like leeches & follow you into patients rooms,etc.(no pressure,right?) They are a million times worse then the Joint Commission.(that also comes around periodically to harass people)
Fortuently, I will not be at the hospital while they are there...unfortuently,my instructor has to be at the college for interviews so she is cutting short the hospital day & the whole clinical group has to go back to the college to participate in the interviews. UGH. I have no desire to be involved in the program process, these interviews consist of questions like "How do you feel the college has equipped you in meeting the core competencies?" (Uh what-thr only thing I feel equipped for is the ability to get through a 2.5 hour lecture) Questions that actually involve studying(prior to) what the heck they are talking about so that you don't look like a complete idiot. As you can imagine,our instructors A. want us to be enthusiastically involved and B.want us to say good things about the program to make them look good. Now yes,there are a lot of good things about this program but there are things that aren't that I might want to say too. I'm not sure that they want to listen to me complain about the program though. And I am not the mover & the shaker that they should be talking to.(there's one of those sitting in the front row every day)

Mandatory interviews..oh boy. Scary,gut-wrenching, mind-numbing,interviews. I hope the questions aren't hard.

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Gray Days

It's been a rough 1.2 weeks. Begun,of course, with a sore throat & a mild cough,moved to the runny nose, followed by the 101 degree fevers & the addition of some hard core throat pain, losing my taste on Super Bowl Sunday,(I did not go to the party & how sad is that,when the whole of Baltimore was stark Raven mad?Methinks it may never happen again ) The cough set in & Sunday night I probably got two hours of sleep. Monday I went to the doc & they gave me codeine syrup & an antibiotic for my "sinus infection." Sinus infection-really? Yep,within a day my head felt like a literal bomb & the discharge turned a disgusting color. Fever went away,the cough/pressure/pain continued. I don't know if it's a particular nasty bug,or a side effect of the codeine but then came the retching diaries. Cough-cough-cough-retch-retch-cough-breathe. My backup Zofran helped a lot in that regard, but I think I should have a lot more of it in hand. The appetite is at a big fat zero,since eating solids forces my throat into a coughing/retching paramoxeam.(I guess I need to lose some weight,but not like this) So I've been living off juice,yogurt, Boost,Gatorade,pudding,applesauce. It's not that bad when you can't taste but man, I crave real food. Blood sugars are anyone's guess,& since I've taken so much Tylenol my CGM is kind of useless(little processor chip=blown). At nights,when the coughing doesn't stop & I feel like my lungs are going to explode I question whether I can go on,should I drop out of this nursing school course,rest up & try again? I've spent alot of time in bed this week,have not studied at all, barely survived my hospital day & community health 1/2 day & shown up late to 2 lectures, failed a math exam(my "failure" was the result of stupid rounding rules, I got the right answers but still failed the thing) Kept telling myself that this is the worst of it & better days are around the corner.I would have dropped out from necessity if I'd had to be in the hospital,(impossible to make up missed days)but here I am,hopelessly disorganised me,fighting to stay alive.(& afloat)

TGIF.(tomorrow) I have a weekend to do some studying for the first test,& to feel a tad bit better.(& today has been slightly better, I can breathe through my nose again) The J-baby & the hubby got mild colds/coughs,nothing like I got.(& I'm glad of that,but my hubby always claims its because he takes Zicam so religiously at the first hint of anything respiratory,while I think it's just good luck on his part,& being a Mommy Germ Magnet on my part)


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Once, We Were Juniors

The 3rd Semester.

Pediatrics, Med Surg II.2 8-week courses, but in reality, it feels like years since we were scared little nursing school"freshies." We have survived Nursing 120, 121,122,OB, Medical Surgical I.(some of us more then once) After Medical Surgical, any and all courses may just feel like a breath of fresh air. We have a swagger in our step & a new-found confidence that really,really was not there last semester. IV's do not scare us, dying simulator modules have taught us lessons best left un-repeated on actual patients. One day(very soon), some of us may yet walk across that stage & be "pinned" into that profession that each of us strives for. We struggle across the spectrum, we see friends fail out & wonder if it will be us. We have babies & surgeries & family emergencies & personal difficulties. We stay up late,get up early, eat insane amounts of chocolate,pray that our clinical instructors will be rational human beings & beat ourselves (mentally) up for not picking the other (right) answer on the impossibly hard exams. We cry with our patients & for our patients & for ourselves & about that 5 letter word of a clinical instructor. Yet some things scare us still..chief among them being released one day to practice solo,sans instructor hand-holding.

And yet, time marches on & one day, even junior-Dom will seem like such a distant memory.

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The Fear

When I was 14, my immune system started down its deep,dark path toward permanent dysfunction. It started with a bump,a small red itchy bump that turned into dozens & dozens of bumps in a raised rash that marched up my left arm, across the left side of my chest,down my left armpit & across my back. And then those bumps swelled up,with a yellowish disgusting gunk..to the point of bursting. At that point,convinced that I had cancer, I told my parents & they took me to the doctor.

The diagnosis was immeadiete & straightforward.

"You have the shingles."

Isn't that something older people get? Well,yes, but anyone who has had the good old fashioned chicken pox can go on to get the shingles. Babies can get the shingles. Rare of course,but entirely possible. Of course,being an 80's child I'd done the chicken pox party thing & gotten chicken pox at the age of 6, no big deal. Only my immune system thought it was a HUGE DEAL & up popped the shingles,all these years later.

So, they gave me this antiviral med & told me NOT TO TOUCH MY FACE & basically,it took several months of the most intense itching pain I have ever known for it to subside(& a year for the scars to clear). Every night, I'd wake up screaming from the searing,all over body pain.(usually dreaming something gruesome) But it did get better,eventually.

And then diabetes came to call. I was 16 years old when the symptoms began, & it would be 6 months before it would put my very sick self in the hospital.

I tend to think all these pieces are related,& the shingles was just the icing on the proverbial cake. I am from a family of 6 kids, & I am the only one to get the shingles/and diabetes. None of my siblings or their kids have had them. For me,getting chicken pox led to even worse things.

"Would you like to get your child the chicken pox vaccine today?"

I know that vaccines do NOT lead to getting the disease,but the varicella immunization is a live vaccination,meaning that they can get a mild form of the disease . Although no where near as serious as the full blown disease, it's still mighty uncomfortable for the kiddo.

He's 12 months old, & although I certainly believe in getting a kid vaccinated for the major stuff I said no to this. I don't think 12 months is old enough to handle it.(& what if he has my crappy genetics?) I want him to have a long,healthy life,& I don't want diabetes to mar any part of it;& if he should get diabetes, I don't want to get it as a small child(& if that means no "questionable" vaccines while really young,so be it.

"No."

The pediatrician looked up,surprised. (as previously mentioned, he's gotten all his previous immunizations) "You realize that we'll keep asking you about this(specific immunization every visit)

Yes I realize that, but I also think that this vaccination is relatively "new" on the market & I have an obligation to my child to do what I think is best for him, even if you do think I'm a radical,conspiracy-theorist nutjob of a parent. I do want what's best for him..even if you can't see it.


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48 Questions

1. WERE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE?
No. My parents were disagreeing over what to name me, and "Heidi" won out over Genevieve and Mary.

2. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CRIED?
Two days ago,as I was watching the 2nd-to-last-EVER episode of "Private Practice." I shall miss that show.

3. DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING?
Yeah. It is uniquely mine...a mix of printing,cursive,and a self-improvement course I had to take in the 90's.

4. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE LUNCH MEAT?
Honey Ham..yum! But I'll eat anything.

5. DO YOU HAVE KIDS?
Yes, & he's the world's cutest toddler. (formerly the world's cutest baby) He is smart, opininated, and knows exactly what he wants in life. And he's a hugger.

6. IF YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSON, WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS WITH YOU?
Probably not. I am shy,and an introvert. I have a few good friends but I am not the life of the party. But if you are my friend,I think I am a good one.

7. DO YOU USE SARCASM A LOT?
Yes.

8. DO YOU STILL HAVE YOUR TONSILS?
No. I had them out in 2009 because I kept getting strep throat. It was a level of pain that I never want to experience again, but I'm glad that I got them out.

9. WOULD YOU BUNGEE JUMP?
No. I am not a fan of heights.

10. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE CEREAL?
Sunbelt Granola...or Lucky Charms!

11. DO YOU UNTIE YOUR SHOES WHEN YOU TAKE THEM OFF?
No. I'm too lazy.

12. DO YOU THINK YOU ARE STRONG?
When I have to be. I think that physically, I'm a wimp.

13. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE ICE CREAM?
Butter pecan.

14. WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ABOUT PEOPLE?
Their face.

15. RED OR PINK?
Red. I'm not a girly-girl.

16. WHAT IS THE LEAST FAVORITE THING ABOUT YOURSELF?
I'm too naive,& I wish I were better at assessing people/situations.

17. WHO DO YOU MISS THE MOST?
My grandma(mom's mom), she passed away in 2001.

18. WHAT IS THE TECHNIQUE THAT YOU NEED TO WORK ON THE MOST?
Getting myself & the kid out of the house on time.(to get wherever we're going)

19. WHAT COLOR SHOES ARE YOU WEARING?
I'm wearing brown boots.
20. WHAT WAS THE LAST THING YOU ATE?
Peanuts. I love any kind of nut.
21. WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW?
Nothing.

22. IF YOU WERE A CRAYON, WHAT COLOR WOULD YOU BE?
Burnt Sienna. I'm a pretty plain,non-stand-outish, person.

23. FAVORITE SMELLS?
-the hand sanatizers in Target bathrooms.
-Bath and Body Works hand soaps
-baking bread!

24. HOW IMPORTANT ARE YOUR POLITICAL VIEWS TO YOU?
Very important. If you (are a citizen,&) don't cast a vote, you don't have any right to complain about how the country is going to the dogs.

25. MOUNTAIN HIDEAWAY OR BEACH HOUSE?
Beach house. LOVE THE BEACH.

26. FAVORITE SPORTS TO WATCH?
Football, but I don't watch a whole lot of sports..got other stuff to do with my life.

27. HAIR COLOR?
Brownish-gold.

28. EYE COLOR?
Blue-ish grey.

29. DO YOU WEAR CONTACTS?
Nope, I wear reading glasses.

30. FAVORITE FOOD?
Anything cooked by someone else. I don't really like to cook.

31. SCARY MOVIES OR HAPPY ENDINGS?
Happy Endings. And I'll cry over it.(inevetibly)

32. LAST MOVIE YOU WATCHED?
Breaking Dawn.(part II) #vampirelove

33. WHAT COLOR SHIRT ARE YOU WEARING?
blue/white

34. SUMMER OR WINTER?
Fall...and then summer.

35. FAVORITE DESSERT?
Pecan pie.

36. STRENGTH TRAINING OR CARDIO?
I'm in need of both.

37. COMPUTER OR TELEVISION?
Computer.

38. WHAT BOOK ARE YOU READING NOW?
Lady Almina & the Real Downton Abbey. I am obsessed with British nobility.

39. WHAT IS ON YOUR MOUSE PAD?
It's a lake scene with a snow-capped mountain in the background.

40. FAVORITE SOUND?
the fizz of a diet coke can

41. FAVORITE GENRE OF MUSIC?
I don't really have a favorite, I listen to most anything.

42. WHAT IS THE FARTHEST YOU HAVE BEEN FROM HOME?
Hawaii I guess. In the opposite direction, the UK/Denmark.

43. DO YOU HAVE A SPECIAL TALENT?
I can balance 25 checkers on the edge of another checker.

44. WHERE WERE YOU BORN?
Harrisonburg, Virginia.

45. WHERE ARE YOU LIVING NOW?
Maryland.

46. WHAT COLOR IS YOUR HOUSE?
Puke yellow.

47. WHAT COLOR IS YOUR CAR?
Rust. It used to be gold...but time marches on.

48. DO YOU LIKE ANSWERING 48 QUESTIONS?
Sure, they were thought-provoking questions.

The Toddler Years

Babies are like potato chips.



It's hard to stop at just 1. My baby just had his first birthday recently...and hugely enjoyed smearing his cake all over himself,& me. Babies are sweet,sweet,sweet & after some time has passed..& they grow older, you start to get all nostalgic about the all too fleeting days of babyhood & you want that back. You've pretty much blocked out the hell that a diabetic pregnancy entails.(& plus,my kid has slept through the night since 3 months old..he's a good baby) Plus,you make rationalizing arguments that the kid needs a sibling,& we need a mini-van anyway... darn you,biological clock,do you not know that diabetes & pregnancy is not a friendly combination? The average number of kids for women with D is 2.4, I think I read somewhere. And each pregnancy is like a Kate Middleton-sized event...highly scrutinized by at least a dozen people.

No, we are not planning on having another one anytime soon. But time is blurring the line "never again!" to "maybe again."

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Silence

Close your eyes
listen to the silence
the fizz of the Diet Coke can
the tiny,slumbering puffs from a sleeping babe
the BEEEEP of a Dexcom
the space heater,roaring
the scraping of ice
the ploploplop of marshmallows
the sweat,the sweat
the slurrrrrrp of a juice box
the dropping of a meter
A 911 call
Jackboots in the hallway
the shriek of an ambulance
retching violently
Silence and Diabetes
Are not compatible.


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Dear DOC

I know you. We may live 2 or 15,000 miles apart...& may have never met, but I know you. We share playlists on Spotify,coo over baby/dog pictures on Instagram, share our A1C results on Facebook, tweet about the minutiae of our everyday lives on Twitter,entertain each other on YouTube & tell each other what to make for dinner via Pinterest. A conversation begun on one medium is continued on the next. Though we crisscross the globe, we are all connected via that disease we share...namely, diabetes. We are teachers,business people,entrepreneurs, librarians, doctors,nurses, a thousand different professions. We are parents,lovers, siblings,children,grandparents,aunts/uncles.We might have the same insulin pump,meter,pen,CGM,insulin,mode of blood sugar management.We swap 'Betes tips with or without the approval of our health care providers. We are soldiers on the front line of the diabetes wars, and the tools/weapons at our disposal are improving,year by year.(and yet,innocent people still are dying) We tell each other the stuff our families may get sick of hearing..there is always a listening,non-judgemental ear to hear us out. We give each other supplies (in hard times), because we care about each other. We see each other at our best, and at the worst, when the a1c is 6.0 and when it's 11.0. Cities on the map aren't just strange places anymore..they hold very awesome PWD(& those who support them ). We run marathons,write books,chase toddlers, climb mountains, pursue careers, & bolus that piece of chocolate cake into euroglycemic perfection.

Some might say I don't know you,& yet I say that I do. Thank you for being there.


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Towards 2013: A Bullet List

Ah, 2013. A New Year...full of hopes & resolutions. Some people do 'em,some don't. I do, because I like to attempt to improve my personal habits..even if I fail.(to try & to fail is to better to have never tried at all) I want 2013 to be my year..& I want it to be others too. Here are some of my hopes for the coming year.
1. I want to get my thyroid back in whack (still hypo)& my health back.( whatever that was) I've had recent issues with heartburn & difficulty swallowing, for which I just had an EGD done(biopsy results pending,normal appearing mucosa, a medium sized hiatal hernia)Diabetes related gastroparesis is,of course,a possibility.(next step if biopsies are normal are motility studies) Apparently hiatal hernias are pretty common in the general population & not the cause of my swallowing problems.(& not operable unless they are huge)
Every afternoon, from 3-7 pm I'm plagued with low blood sugars(requiring about 4-5 good sized juice boxes) & I'd really like 2013 not to be in a hypoglycemic stupor, staring at the baby & wondering if his first word(beyond mama/dada/nana) will be "lo!" I'd like to lose some weight, but mostly I'd just like to be healthy & functional.
2. I want to purge my diabetes supply closet & either use, or give away, most of my insulin pump supplies. (Believe it or not,that stuff does have an expiration date) It's not doing me any good just sitting in there, & I'm too in love with my Omnipod to go back. So the supplies must go. I'm also giving away my 7+ & several non-expired sensors,whenever I find someone in dire straits who doesn't have any insurance (or limited) to give it to. I would prefer to actually semi-"know/have met"the person,hence the reason I didn't ship them off a long time ago to someone (nameless)on Facebook.I will keep a box or so of supplies, as backup to my Animas in case my Omnipod dies.I feel guilty how much D-crap I've got,sometimes.
3. Speaking of Omnipod...I'm very much looking forward to their upgrade arriving.(rumor has it,in late February) Their redesigned PDM & much smaller pods look totally sweeeeeet.
4. School wise, I want to finish nursing school. I feel like that is a big "?", with so many health issues as of late, but it would be such an amazing accomplishment for 2013. It's also going to be my "Sweet 15" betes versary & what better excuse for a celebratory party can you have?(the non-D people need a valid reason to come) I want this year to be a period, not a question mark,in my life.
5. And in the personal habits category, I am going to start keeping a record of all my expenses. I'm so unorganized that I usually have no idea where I put a particular receipt, or just how much I spent on Diet Coke or diapers last year. I'm going to get a ledger & start keeping records.
6. D-meetups... I hope to have a few of these as well. (Friends for Life,etc.) Always a highlight in my year.
7. And the last one, circumstances permitting, I'd really like to be in the outpatient trials of the Artificial Pancreas going on this year. It's been a few years since I was involved. The research coordinator said there's a strong possibility that another phase will open up this year,& I'm on the list of people they'd contact so cross fingers that it happens. I NEED A MACHINE TO RELIEVE ME OF MY PANCRE-OTING DUTIES. (it would also be kinda nice to spend an entire 2 days in some hotel bed,watching TV, & have a little break from parenting as well. Judge me as you will.)

What are some of your hopes & resolutions?


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Towards 2013 (Part 1)

We're here in California,doing the semi-annual Christmas w/the other side. The day of travelling to get out here was nothing,if not interesting. The shuttle guy came 1/2 hour early, so we were rushing to finalize getting everything & everyone out of the house & the car seat installed in the shuttle van. And then we drove about a mile way & just SAT there waiting, for about 45 minutes.( he wasn't due to pick them up for another hour,but thought they'd be ready) They weren't, so we just sat there till he decided to go pick up the other passenger about 10 minutes away,& then come back. It was about 1 hr & 50 min.before our flight was scheduled to take off,& we still weren't enroute to the airport. The other family had a infant as well, so that van was pretty packed. Got to the airport with about an hour to go,rushed through security (it's kind of nice to have a baby,because they don't make me go through the scanner or patdown) ,& had just enough time to grab a sandwich from McD's & do a bathroom run before it was time to board. The baby did his hyperactive squirm/twist/bounce/grab/drop/scream for about 40 minutes then fell asleep for about 45 (layed out on both of ours laps) then woke up as we landed in Charlotte,NC. Had a wet diaper which soaked through his pants & mine,so when we got off the plane it was off to do damage control on that. And then it was literally time to board the next flight to LA..didn't have time to grab a meal for the plane. This plane ride was pure horribleness as he screamed for about 4 hrs(of the 5.5). Nothing appeased him,he wanted to get down & play. I suppose the only good thing about it was that someone switched seats with me so that at least the hubby & I could sit together..it was a 2 person job. Various well-meaning people would stop by,ooh and ah,& tell me my darling angel would fall asleep soon. (Just stop...you do not know this child) Gahhhh,nope. I did not use Benadryl,but I will on the flight back. Eventually,we got into LA(fun fact: my ears hurt like heck & my too-short-to-reach-the-floor legs were about to fall off) found the rental car place,drove around for what seemed like hours to get to our hotel in the Valley(East Coast Time: 1:30 AM) while the baby woke back up & started screaming & my earnest husband bought me a Gatorade(not diet:bg 3 hours later was 398) & it was just not a fun trip out here.
We're here though,& my husband's mom is enjoying seeing her grandchild again. I am thoroughly sick of people dishing out baby advice though.
Merry Christmas,one & all! (Should I not post again for several days) It is nice to actually see the sun again...in MD you don't.

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The Dream

Last night (or rather, this morning), immeadiently proceeding my "fell asleep in clinicals, got kicked out of nursing school" nightmare...I dreamed The Dream. You know, the one where we all get cured & all that jazz. I don't often dream The Dream (but when I do, it never comes courtesy of a needle) & what triggered it, no one ever knows. (maybe because I've been thinking so much about diabetes lately, my 14th diaversary was on Monday) Here's how The Dream went down.

We're outside of a stadium, waiting for something to happen. Suddenly a group of reporters (& quite possibly, every type 1 in the world) made a mad dash for the stadium,because there was going to be some huge announcement. It was pandomonium. People were crying, laughing, screaming, hugging each other(while oddly, trying to stampede each other to death to be first in line) & it was like the end of a war..it just gave you the warm fuzzies all over. And then they played the video of how the Artificial Pancreas had been perfected enough to be THE REAL DEAL... a cure, a perfect cure. It was a joyous dream, & the fact that I didn't quite make it to getting one didn't matter (my Dexcom alarmed,waking me up & reminding me that my blood sugar had just gone over the high mark & I'd better do something about it NOW) & upon waking up,I still could savored that feeling for the briefest of moments. Then I got to thinking, when there ever is a cure that's probably how it will go down. (I don't necessarily think the AP will be it though) Only there will also be sadness, for the people who didn't live to see that cure.

For now, these moments are just dreams...but one day, they will be reality.

A Letter from my Son: Dear Santa

Dear Santa,

I've been a good boy this year, truly I have. I was born, I ate/slept/pooped/grew into a whopping 20(!)+ lbs. I learned to crawl and to say "Mama" "Dada" and as of yet indistinguishable "gaaaa's" which clearly mean something, Mommy & Daddy just don't know yet.(parents are SO.CLUELESS...sigh) So this year, I've narrated a short Christmas wish list (forgive me, I don't know how to type just yet so Mommy is writing this)

#1

A big box, something like the above. This is one of my favorite "toys",because I can knock it down & chase it all over the kitchen floor, while Mommy is cooking supper. The actual blocks, eh they are so blahhhhhh in my baby world.

#2 A dolly with long, curly, golden hair. I've almost pulled all of Mommy's out by this point, and I need something else to yank on.

#3 A Bell. I totally dig the noises they make. Or pretty much anything dangerous or that makes noise, I am a fan of.

#4 A Cat Cage...so they can't take a swipe at me, every time I touch their tail(s) etc. They don't seem to like small humans like me. (what's up with that, we are AWESOME...)

And one last thing, Santa. I will leave you a plate of chocolate chip cookies (carb count: 29.7 carbs per piece) & your case of diet coke outside on the porch, otherwise Daddy or Mommy might get into them.


Yours Truly,

drools and hugs

the J-baby

Thankful

...for the little(& not so little) things in life...



- A snazzy new G4 Dexcom, which even though I had to drive 15 miles (to a store)because FedEx refused to drop it off without someone being present, is still a good thing. Opinion still being formed, but I think it's going to be really awesome for my (lack of) diabetes control.



Slapped a sensor on last night,after charging the receiver for three hours. Well,"slapped" being a rather mild version of what actually went down...more like flubbed attempt #1 (wasted sensor=scream at the sky)& taped the heck out of sensor #2, because if I didn't, they never stay in. I have learned that while inserting a sensor,if it hurts severely to pull back the needle/tape & try somewhere else,or it will turn into a blood bath. Mild pain means the goings still good. So,after poking around on my left thigh for 2-3 spots I finally found a good spot & stuck it in. Two hours after insertion,it was ready for calibration.(from there,it swung up & down all night..seems to be stabler today) Initial thoughts:it gets back on track MUCH faster then the Dex 7 (when calibrated). I love it's sleek,iPod-esque physique...& hate the case it came in.(useless snaps everywhere)



New boots. I've never been much of a boots person,but these were on sale for a mere $22 at Kmart & hot diggity,are they awesome. Perhaps they won't last a long time but they are comfy with that bit of flair & make me look much more fashion conscious then I actually am. I can't stop wearing 'em.



- For tissues,Tylenol, cough drops, & a hubby who will help out with the kiddo when I'm dying. Colds never really die in the household with a young child..they just get recycled and come back a month later. (see also,kids are still normal acting even when they are sick. Which is both good,& bad)


- A certain little guy is now starting to stand, & to pull himself up on stuff.(much to my relief, as he's been slightly delayed in reaching that milestone) And he now says "Mama" which totally wraps me around his little finger & makes me his slave for life. I could never get tired of hearing that, I don't think. It's usually in the context of wanting food(he loves to eat). In a couple of weeks, he may be able to get his helmet off(depending on the results of the head scan.)

And I'm thankful for all the normal stuff...friends,family, etc.I'm not thankful for diabetes, but I'm thankful for the fabulous folks that make up the DOC & I hope you & yours have a great holiday/weekend!


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