Saturday, June 30, 2007

"Blowin' in the Wind"

"Blowin' in the Wind"
(because sometimes I want a cure so bad I'd do anything..and I mean ANYTHING. Seriously, I think my insurance company would sooner cover a transplant then a CGMS)

How many lows must a type 1 go through
Before, you can call him a man (or woman)
Yeah, and how many hearts will be broken in two
Before, we finally understand

The answer, my friend, is not blowin’ in the wind
The answer, we’ll never understand.

How many times must a white cloud set sail
Across a retinous sea
Yeah, and how many a1cs must I fail
Before, this is the death of me.

The answer, my friend, is not blowin’ in the wind
The answer, we’ll never understand.

How many times must a shot break the skin
Before, they're forever banned?
Yeah, its do-or-die, do this and you’ll win
50 more years- and a ton of adoration.

The answer, my friend, is not blowin’ in the wind
The answer, we’ll never understand.

How many years can a mountain exist
Before, it is washed to the sea?
I’m certainly no mountain- how some people exist
Many decades- is certainly beyond me.

The answer, my friend, is not blowin’ in the wind
The answer, we’ll never understand.

How many moms and dads will be told
That their two year old just got D
Yeah, and when they go and catch a rather virulent cold
Worry most about ketones in their pee.

Yes, and how many times will a man look up
Into the face of the local paramedic
Yeah, and if you weren’t already feeling down on your luck
That’s quite enough to make you feel real sick.

The answer, my friend, is not blowin’ in the wind
The answer, we’ll never understand.

How many deaths will it take till they know
That too many people have died
Yeah, it’s a disease of the high, and the low
Its quite enough to make you fit to be tied.

The answer, my friend, is not blowin’ in the wind
The answer, we’ll never understand.

How many parts of me will they patch
Before, they say its just no use.
Yeah, this thing called dia-bet-es just hasn’t any match
Through shots and blood and tears and lows and juice.

The answer, my friend, is not blowin’ in the wind
The answer, we’ll never understand.

I hate my diabetes- the tears in the night
My life, is going down the drain
Kidneys, nerves, BKA, heart, and my sight
The thoughts, are driving me insane. (Gee, another complication!)

The answer, my friend, is not blowin’ in the wind
The answer, we’ll never understand.

How many times must I say I want cured
Before, they take me seriously
Yeah, I guess they must really need to be reassured
That a transplants the only hope for me.

The answer, my friend, is not blowin’ in the wind
The answer, we’ll never understand.

I’m trading in my ‘beates for a million pills
I’m sure, I got the better deal
Yeah, cuz I’ve got an awesome life and I’ll live it still
I can’t explain how it makes you feel

The answer, my friend, you’ll finally understand
The day you quit trying to understand.

Friday, June 29, 2007

Red, White, and Blue: These Colors Don't Run

Noteable Things that happened this week:

- I joined TuDiabetes. Finally. I'm probably the only blogger who HASN'T joined, at this point. I'm not much of a social networker but I could get into something like this.

- I've been high. Really high, 99% of the time. And I don't know why. Infusion set= check, new insulin= check, not sick=check, everything else= check. I'm afraid to really go to town on the insulin because I'm afraid it will all majorly crash on me + cause hypos. So, I'm being too cautious + I'm still really high + in major grump mood. Why can't diabetes be its normal unpredictable, instead of completely unpredictable? I'm not in the mood for this. I just want my blood sugars to come back to earth so I can get everything done.

-My brother flies in tonight, on a 2 week leave from the Marines. His last leave, before heading to Iraq.

- I fell for my Semi-Annual Ebay scam + had to reset all my passwords, usernames, clean out my entire cookie collection, etc. to prevent said scammer from gaining access to them. Boy, did I feel stupid. I will say that I don't fall for the same I've got to be getting better at recognizing them. Maybe I can blame the brain fog.

-The place we'd finally decided to get married at, cancelled. Nothing was in writing,discussing it was in the immeadiete future though. Back to looking...

On second thought, perhaps stress could be playing a minor role in the less then pristine diabetes control.

Monday, June 25, 2007

Steel Magnolias- Color me a Reformed PWD

"I'd rather have a little bit of wonderful then a lifetime of nothing special."
-Shelby, the diabetic heroine, Steel Magnolias

And so, as you all know, she had her baby + shortly thereafter expired from kidney failure.(failed transplant) Fulled the "diabetics shouldn't have babies" rumor mills for all time.
I like that quote- simply because it embraces the challenges, doesn't give the dream up. I don't like it for the woefully inaccurate portrait (of diabetic pregnancies) it presents. I want to live like that- no matter what the future holds, and what diabetes might throw at me, the point is life is(to some extent) what you make it.

Now for the reformed part.

This (hopefully) being the last Summer of the Singlehood, I feel the urge to do something that most married people, and especially diabetics, would not participate in. Happily married people feel the need to stick around for each other, and fellow PWD's understand what said activity does to the blood sugars.
I know that that said activity has the potential for overstuffed stomach, extremily high blood sugars, and the instant stamp of Endo dissaproval.(no,I don't recommend asking them about it) Because, I've done it before + it was not the pretty sight. Ketchup, mustard, relish- the area was like a war zone.
I will say that after 5 hotdogs(and buns),1/2 a gallon of water + pepsi(to queall the rolling stomach) the dubious distinction of "5th place" was not enough to give me any dreams of going professional. Nope, I went home + swore off hotdogs for an entire month. And its been several years since I did this.
But(come the 3rd of July), I'd like to do again- because I never will again
+ hey,its a way to get a free supper. (plus half a gallon of ice cream, for participation) Just gotta remember to prebolus 10 units.

After that-someone else can have my place. My wildchild days will be over.

Saturday, June 23, 2007

Another Meme

1. Heidi
2. Peggy(blame my brother for this one,and yes, you will be in deep trouble if you ever try it out!as I particularly hate it)
3. Adel-Head (also a sibling favorite)

1. My hair. Sometimes.Most of the time, it is too time consuming to get to look right.. so I settle for convenient.
2. My smile.
3. My ears(not too horribly big).

1. My height.(tooo short)
2. My shyness(wish I was more of a people person)
3. My inability to tan- just burn.

1. Scottish
2. French
3. German

1. The electricity going out at work- when it does, its so pitch black in there you don't dare move + you start to wonder what to do if it doesn't come back on.
2. Big dogs. Well, average sized ones too, they just don't tend to like me very much.
3. Nypos. (nightime hypos)

1. My ipod
2. My insulin pump
3. Chocolate Milk.

1. blue tshirt
2. white jean shorts
3. one inside-out, cotton sock

1. The King and I
2. Oklahoma
3. Annie

1. Something Beautiful- Newsboys
2. Burn for You-Toby Mac
3.Pass the Flame-(No clue)

1. Love
2. Respect
3. Trust

1. Waterfalls
2. A chilled bottle of diet coke, for the sole D in the group
3. A neat,organized individual(opposites attract..)

1. Collecting Red Cross memorabalia.
2. Crosstitch.
3. Writing down stupid license plate names.

1. Sign the contract(or whatever) on the place that took 2 weekends to finally find/agree on, so I can get on with planning the rest of the wedding!
2. Be at the 2007 FFL conferance- and the joint Disney World vacation. (so, so bad-will I make it till then?)
3. Find my cellphone charger.

1. Nursing.
2. Stay-at-home-Super-Mom
3. Journalist

1. Niagra Falls
2. The Swiss Alps
3. Australia

1. Jason
2. Jesse
3. Melody

1. See a cure for diabetes.
2. Stop biting my fingernails.
3. Finish my degree.

1.I've been thinking about future kid's names since before time...and have the lists (dating from the early 90's) to prove it.
2. I cry at every single movie(in a theator), no matter what it is.
3. I like to shop.

1. I'd rather eat, then cook.
2. I like firearms, and target practice. Not sure I could ever be in law enforcement though.
3. I don't read manuels, even if I have no clue how to put something together. I prefer trial/error.

1. Noah Wyle.
2. George Clooney.
3. Brad Pitt.

Tuesday, June 19, 2007

Blurred Yellow: A Morning With a Surgeon

Five minutes down the road, my insulin pump beeping out a cheery "Low Resevoir" alarm, I pull into the gas station to check my pump.
0.1 units remaining. Capitol UGH.

I need gas, so I take care of that first. Check blood glucose. 466 mg/dl.

Darn it, I'm going to be late...

Back up shot of 8 units, as there doesn't seem to be any spare resevoirs in my car. No time to go home + grab a new one. Got to get to the 4 month eye followup.

The eye clinic, is, as usual, crowded to the gills + though I'm 2 minutes early, it hardly matters when the docs are running behind so much. 20 minutes, tops, before I can even get registered.

Register, go back to seat.

At least the other wait is much shorter. 10 minutes, and Resident Wonderful calls me back.

"So, how have you been doing?"


He looks at my chart, asks me some questions. I can tell from his expression that he thinks I have Very High Matenience Patient emblazoned all over me + there's no way in heck he'll be tampering with my case.
There are too many horrible factors.

Standard checks. Up,down,left,right. Charts.Glasses on. Glasses off. Goes out.

My surgeon comes in, does some more preliminaries.

Assistant comes in. Drops, pressure, out to waiting room. Back to testing room. Green/Red goggles for Hess Test-all too familiar by now.

Back to waiting room. Back to exam room. Surgeon comes in.
"Although the left superior oblique is doing very well(thanks to Surgery #1) your left lateral rectus is still overshooting and that's why you've still got the right quadrant doubling. Thing is, we can't just go in and trim up the left lateral rectus because it's not as versatile as the other muscle. If you had that corrected,you know the risks. Your decision- it's your eye."

I stare at my surgeon, FRICK he can't be serious. Of course, they told me (pre-surgery #1) that anything was possible but I'd hoped,as it was doing better, that I would not have to come back to this place(ever, I guess-and eye wise, not for a year).

Seems it is not to be. It is regressing too much on the right side. Back to the OR it is. Diabetes wise- my eyes are just great + everyother wise, its just such a tangled web.

Tuesday, June 12, 2007

Vanilla Zero- Color Me Happy

I've tried Zero..and Cherry Zero(hey, it doesn't take much to please this palate) but gosh darn it, I just love it when a previously undiscovered (or new) flavor makes it to this part of the world. It's soooo good.
(in my opinion)

Sunday, June 10, 2007

Grass Green: Color My Yard Sale

The grass was freshly mowed.

The stash of Diet/Regular Mt.Dews stood by the door, throughly chilled and ready for human (and cat? but this isn't mine, adorable photo though) consumption.

And the morning 72 mg/dl had been improved upon, by a horribly un-D-friendly Tastycake cupcake. (it was good,though..)

Fortuanatly, I hadn't yet set up the vast majority of my items(just the tables + a fan), it had rained the night previously. The tabletops were soaked, and had to be dryed off.

An hour of predawn preperation- dragging/carring everything across the street, setting up in the big parking lot (people tend to ignore you, if you're not in a highly visable spot + that wasn't a chance I was going to take this year. Need other people around.)

My mom showed up to help me organize- put ice/drinks in coolers, set up stuff.

As soon as it was really light- they (the early morning crowd) showed up in droves, intent on getting the best deals possible.

I keep an eye on the big guy raffling through my extra glucose moniter collection-he's been there awhile. In fact, its the 2nd time he's been there, and back again.

"$10 for the whole box?"

If I'd have been drinking anything, it most certainly would have shot out my nose. Heck, no- there are two Ultras,1 Ultrasmart,1 Ascensia,and 1 Aviva in that box, all New in Package. (CVS deals + freebies) All glucose moniters should be cheap, but not that cheap + I think its priced pretty conservativly at $2-$5 each already. My level of altruism doesn't extend that far- I did have to pay for the gas to go get these + I think I should be reimbursed for that.

"Uh, NO. They're worth $75 each."

The guy knows that- and grunts, as he moves back to study the box again. There's no way he wants 5 glucose moniters just to moniter his own D, he's looking to resell some of them.

His wife is already one of my favorite customers, cleaning up a good $25 worth of stuff.

"Ok, this one." He pulls out the Ascensia.
Thank goodness he made a decision.
(plus,I thought I'd have to give that particular one away. Who uses Ascensia any more?)

The morning progresses, and the crowds keep coming, cleaning out my stash of candles/dvds/B&BWorks items/drinks/miscellanious. I go down the street, and find some more junk(to replete what I got rid of,haha), lug it back to the house(it weighs a ton, craft stuff). Should have had it delivered- its only half a mile away!
Bg afterwords- 213.
An hour later, as I'm walking in the opposite direction, its low. I duck into the VFW post, buy a hotdog, and set my basal down to 0.0. Hot weather certainly works wonders on high blood sugars.Take a hotdog back to my mom.
By 12:30, the crowds are pretty much gone + its time to pack up.
Bg: 71. Rip off pump in frustrated exaustion, go take nap.
5:30 PM- wake up from nap. 325. No surprise there, that's what happens when you're off the pump for 4 hours. At least its a change from being low.
Very productive day, cleared several hundred $$'s. If only my blood sugars were as wonderful. I overestimated some things(such as the number of drinks people would buy)so now I've got a bunch of regular drinks(in addition to diet) that I'll have to find normal people to drink them...Two Ultras also remain. There was a fire fighter looking at them,but he didn't buy any(it isn't the protocal meter anyway).

Friday, June 08, 2007

The Me (Meme)

1. When you looked at yourself in the mirror today, what was the first thing you thought?
If I was a celebrity- I'd have to have makeup on, even in jail.

2. How much cash do you have on you? Cash? you must be joking..

3. What's a word that rhymes with DOOR? de-jour. As in, some weird French word that I have absolutely no clue what it means.

4. Favorite planet? Mars. I have an ongoing interest in the place my fiance is from.

5. Who is the first person on your missed call list on your cell phone?
My cellphone provider, reminding me of my due bill.

6. What is your favorite ring tone on your phone?
Got this phone(a month ago) and I haven't even personalized my ring tones to my contact list! So I can't say I've got a favorite.(yet)

7. What shirt are you wearing? sleeveless blue cotton, in keeping with the 95 degrees + haven't yet had the ac put back in my windowsill theme.

8. Do you label yourself? yes, but "diabetic" is not
really one of my favorites.

9. Name the brand of the shoes you're currently wearing: White Stag sneakers.

10. Bright or Dark Room? Dark room. It's easier to catch a nap.

11. Why is there always a missing question?
Because human beings aren't perfect.

12. What does your watch look like?
I don't wear a watch. (usually) I've got a pump w/ has a perfectly functioning timepiece.

13. What were you doing at midnight last night? chatting.

14. What did your last text message you received on your cell phone say?
Sorry, your code is invalid. Please resubmit to Coke Rewards.

15. Where is your nearest 7-11?
Less then 1/2 a mile away. And its a favorite hangout.

16. What's a word that you say a lot? Oh-kay.

17. Who told you he/she loved you last? My fiance.:-)

18. Last furry thing you touched? The moldy thing growing in my refridgerator-(that I throughly cleaned out today, yay me!) it reminded me of a giant dust bunny. And it left a trail of green slime, as it dragged against the kitchen floor/porch. So after cleaning the 'fridge, I had to scrub the floor.

19. How many drugs have you done in the last three days?
Two. And only one was the injectable kind.

20. How many rolls of film do you need developed?
None, but I do have 1,132 digital photos that I need to sort through/upload/order online before this computer kicks the dust.

21. Favorite age you have been so far? 15. (pre-D)

22. Your worst enemy? people who stress me out.

23. What is your current desktop picture? My fiance.

24. What was the last thing you said to someone? Yep, I'll be there. 5 AM, baby.

25. If you had to choose between a million bucks or to be able to fly, what would it be? A million bucks. I'm with Kerri- I'm not really into flying.

26. Do you like someone? yeah, I like alot of people.

27. The last song you listened to? Basics of Life/4Him.

28. What time of day were you born?
12:47 AM,on the first of September. Just narrowly missed being an August baby.

29. What's your favorite number? 98. It's a pretty versatile number-bodytemp, blood sugar, room temp wise. And if you've lived that long, that's pretty cool too.

30. Where did you live in 1987? Jackson,MS, I was in the first grade.

31. Are you jealous of anyone?
people who smoke like a chimney + still live to 110.

32. Is anyone jealous of you? several people at my job, who would love to get married + up & quit theirs...

33. Where were you when 9/11 happened?
At work, bemoaning the state of my alternator-fried vehicle.

34. What do you do when vending machines steal your money?
A. Scream at it.
B. Go back to table, to acquire more change.
C. Fill out refund request.
(this usually happens at work)

35. Do you consider yourself kind? In most respects, yes. Everyone has bad days though.

36. If you had to get a tattoo, where would it be? Probably on my left shoulder.

37. If you could be fluent in any other language, what would it be? Spanish.

38. Would you move for the person you loved? I'm about to do just that. (move to the ends of the earth...)

39. Are you touchy-feely?

40. What's your life motto?

If life hands you lemons, make lemonade + swap with someone who's life has handed them vodka.

41. Name three things you have on you at all times:
(usually) my pump
Medical ID
my engagement ring

42. What's your favorite town/city?
I love Washington DC- but then again, I haven't been very many places.

43. What was the last thing you paid for with cash?
paper towels at Target.And I didn't pass out this time.

44. When was the last time you wrote a letter to someone on paper and mailed it?
A looooooooong time ago.

45. Can you change the oil on a car? Yes.

46. Your first love: what is the last thing you heard about him/her?
That he has a better job, but not any luck in the S.O. department.

47. How far back do you know your ancestry?
1066 A.D. One ancestor came over with William the Conquorer, to clean up Merry Old England.

48. The last time you dressed fancy, what did you wear and why did you dress fancy? For my sister's wedding, I wore this pink dress.(and pink is really not me)

49. Does anything hurt on your body right now? just my head, because its so hot outside.

50. Have you ever been burned by love?
Been there, done it, got the tshirt.

51. Do you have a crush on any bloggers? heck yeah, but I don't think they're blogging anymore. (joint blog, by three resident doctors)

52. Where would you like to live? Every place has its advantages/disadvantages, and I haven't figured out where that might be.

Tuesday, June 05, 2007

Sheet White: X Marks the Spot

I am tired, so very tired, standing in the Target checkout line. And getting progressevly lower, though I don't believe I'm all that low. Just need a little something to pep me up, get me through checkout, and over to my parent's house for supper. Temp basal is already set on 0.0 for an hour.

No Peeps.

No juice.

No glucose tablets.

I grab the package of Reese's Pieces off the shelf, rip them open, and eat them, determined not to repeat the gas station incident.

The cashier scans my items + wades through my stack of coupons(which, predictably, will not scan). She is telling me something.

I want to sit down. I need to sit down. Now. To heck with groceries and coupons and nosey cashiers. So I slump down against the counter + start to shake. Stupid low.

The lady behind me (in the checkout) is talking to me. "I saw your insulin pump, are you low?"

I don't ask how she knows that. I'm just grateful that she does.


"You ate some candy-do you need anything else?" "No,I'll be ok." "Want me to call the squad?" "No, it'll be ok in a few minutes."

"Drink this."

Pepsi, real Pepsi. Automatically swallow, spill, repeat. Lay down. As with many of my lows, it gets worse before it gets better. Apethetic daze time.

Pepsi is slowly kicking in when the squad shows up on the scene.

"Hey, Heidi. Open your eyes. It's Ike."

"I didn't know she was diabetic." (Another familiar voice)

Squad buds.(dude,those were the good old days) Back when I had time to do stuff like that. Back before life got so busy.

"Low, huh?"

"Yeah." I'm so shaky, I'm not convinced my blood sugar has gone up much. Some InstaGlucose might just do the trick.
In the ambulance, a bg check rings in at 109.

"Still think you're low?"


"You know yourself better then this meter. Have a tube of glucose." Suck it dry.
"Another?" "Yes." Suck 2nd tube dry.
Bg check=118.

"I think we better go to a dextrose drip." He puts it in. "Cold?"
"No."(I'm always this shaky when I'm recovering from a major hypo)

Get to ER. Blood glucose after (more) juice, supper, and 3 hours...

401 mg/dl.

Do I feel stupid now, or what- why is it, by the time you get to the ER your blood sugar is normal again.(soon to be high) Of course, you don't know that it is going to go up but most eventually do. Sigh. Five minutes being seen by the ER doctor("We'll keep an eye on you/you're fine") and 15 being berated by ER nurse #2 for crimping the tubing("You're an EMT, you should know better!") I utterly despise ER's. I will never work in one. (as a nurse)

Got home, got to sleep, and had another low at 12 AM. I was working my way through a jar of peanuts when it occured to me that I might be low, better check. 53. Time for more juice. Back to the 300's again this morning, I need to get this smoothed out.
(*Note to insurance company: See why I need a CGMS????*)

Saturday, June 02, 2007

Dark Blue: Color me Lonely

Two ships on a stormy sea

Two D's in a city of normal pancreas people)

Flash their mirrors

(Recognize each other by their same brand insulin pumps)

A beacon of safety + trust

(Karma, period.Eventually, you'll finally run into some one who gets it)

In this tumultuos storm

(High, low, high, low- will it ever end?)

Going down again

(Low again?)

But nothing will sink this old ship.

(I'd trust you, even more then an MD-Paramedic)

Ok, I admit, I don't get out much. No support groups for type 1's/pumpers around here (by "around here", I'm referring to the Endocrine group in the city, and even that is a nice little drive, much less back here in Smallville, USA) and I've seen another type 1 precisely twice.(around here, not pumpers)Although my endo is also a type 1, she's all doctor(doesn't talk about herself any, I wish she would) Although I'm sure they do exist. I see the names scrawled into the syringe purchase book, whenever I have to buy backup syringes + some of them are probably type 1's. Doctors are the only people who know lots of type 1's.
Which explains why I go a little nuts when I come in contact with another type 1.

CVS parking lot, 6 pm. I'm in my car, they're getting back into their car and I catch a glimpse of their clipped on gadget- it suddenly registers that said device is NOT a cellphone. Nope. It's a blue Deltec Cozmo, in the black plastic-less case(exactly what I've got).
As I'm digesting this shocking scene, they drive away. No chance that I'll get to throw myself on them, thanking them profusely for reaffirming my hopes that this town isn't quite as backward as I'd previously believed. I'm not the only one with class around here.

Where I'm moving, diabetes support groups abound- and that will be something to get used to. (a good used to,though)